CHINESE PROVERBS
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in front of car get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

The Geography of a Woman
Between the ages of 18-21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and
naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.

Between the ages of 21-30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed
and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.

Between the ages of 30-35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own
beauty.

Between the ages of 40-50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She has lost the war and is haunted by past
mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between the ages of 50-60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are
practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.

Between the ages of 60-70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past
but alas no future.

After 70, women become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go
there.


The Geography of a Man

Between the ages of 15-70 a man is like Zimbabwe ­ruled by a dikk.

Guidelines on men....

The nice men are ugly.

The handsome men are not nice.

The handsome and nice men are gay.

The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.

The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money.

The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think
we are only after their money.

The handsome men without money are after our money.

The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don't
think we are beautiful enough.

The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice
and have money, are cowards.

The men, who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money, and
thank God are heterosexual, are shy, and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!

The men, who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in us
when we take the initiative.

Who understands men? Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like
grapes, and it's a woman's job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark
until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bear Life

I want to be a Bear In my next life.....
If you're a bear, you get to hibernate.
You do nothing but sleep for six
months. I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat
yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too.

If you're a bear, you birth your children (who
are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping
and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs.
I could definitely deal with that.

If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you
mean business. You swat anyone who
bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line,
you swat them too. I could deal with that.

If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to
wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will
have hairy legs and excess body fat.

Yup..... Gonna be a bear.

What Women do that Men Never Do
1. Use a wash cloth in the shower
2. Talk baby talk to a pet
3. Ask, �gWhat are you thinking?�h
4. Insist on the toilet seat being down
5. Order a Salad at McDonald�fs
6. Sleep in a double bed even if she�fs single and unattached
7. Collect dried, useless flowers and call it �gpotpourri.�h
8. Fantasize about jewelry or chocolate
9. Fantasize about being married and having kids
10. Reject men, but keep them around just in case and say �gBut can we just be friends?�h

What Men do that Women Never Do
1. Pee in the shower
2. Brag about a new lawnmower
3. Say �gpull my finger�h and fart
4. Read the paper on the toilet
5. Loosen his belt after a meal
6. Carry a ton of loose change in the front pocket
7. Say in bed �gDon�ft worry this won�ft hurt.�h
8. Fix cars as a hobby
9. Use the floor as extra shelf space
10. Fantasize about dating women young enough to be their own kids
11. Fantasize about making it with two women who do each other

Male and female attributes

From a newspaper, in which the readers were
asked to assign a gender to nouns of their choice and
explain their reason. The best submissions:

SWISS ARMY KNIFE: Male, because even though it appears
useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its
time just opening bottles.

KIDNEYS: Female, because they always go to the bathroom in
pairs.

TIRE: Male, because it goes bald and often is
over-inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOON: Male, because to get it to go anywhere you
have to light a fire under it. . . and, of course, there's
the hot air part.

SPONGES: Female, because they are soft and squeezable and
retain water.

WEB PAGE: Female, because it is always getting hit on.

SHOE: Male, because it is usually unpolished, with its
tongue hanging out.

COPIER: Female, because once turned off, it takes a while
to warm up. Because it is an effective reproductive device
when the right buttons are pushed. Because it can wreak
havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.

ZIPLOC BAGS: Male, because they hold everything in, but you
can always see right through them.

SUBWAY: Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick
people up.

HOURGLASS: Female, because over time, the weight shifts to
the bottom.

HAMMER: Male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last
5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

REMOTE CONTROL: Female. . . Ha!. . . you thought I'd say
male. But consider, it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost
without it, and while he doesn't always know the right
buttons to push, he keeps trying.




_____________________

Man said to God --- Why did you make women so beautiful?

God said to man --- So that you will love them.

Man said to God --- But why did you make them so dumb?

God said to man --- So that they will love you.

_____________________

Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.

A martial arts joke:

I got beat up by a Tai Chi expert. It took him 30 minutes and I got hit twice.

Once upon a time a powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new Chief Samurai. After a
year, only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish samurai. "Demonstrate
your skills!" commanded the Emperor. The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box and
released a fly. He drew his katana and swish, the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two.
"What a feat!" said the Emperor. "Samurai Number Two, show me what you do." The Chinese samurai
bowed, stepped forward and opened a tiny box, releasing a fly. He drew his katana and swish,
swish, the fly fell to the floor neatly quartered. "That is skill!" nodded the Emperor. "How are
you going to top that, Samurai Number Three?" The Jewish samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny
box, releasing one fly, drew his katana and swoooooosh, flourished his katana so mightily that a
gust of wind blew through the room. But the fly was still buzzing around! In disappointment, the
Emperor said, "What kind of skill is that? The fly isn't even dead." "Dead, schmead," replied the
Jewish samurai. "Dead is easy. Circumcision . . . that takes skill!"

A successful husband is one who earns more money than his wife can spend.

A successful wife is one who can find such a husband.

At the Greater Cincinnati Airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school
teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor, and
a graphical calculator. Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He
is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.

A man returns from a trip to Shanghai and is feeling very ill.
He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo a series of tests.
The man wakes up after these tests in a private room at the hospital and the phone by his bed rings.
"This is your doctor," says the voice on the phone.
"We have the results back from your tests.
I'm sorry to report that you have an extremely contagious deadly disease known as G.A.S.H."
"G.A.S.H?" replies the man. "What in the hell is that?"
"It's a combination of Gonorrhea, AIDS, SARS, and Herpes," explains the doctor.
"My gosh, Doc!" screams the man in a panic, "what are we going to do?"
"Well we're going to put you on a strict diet of pizza, pancakes, quesadillas, and pita bread," says the doctor matter-of-factly.
"Will that cure me?"
"Well, no," says the doctor, "but it's the only food that will fit under the door."

A Husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front
of a full length mirror taking a hard look at herself.
"You know love" she says, "I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My
face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist, my bum is hanging
out a mile. I've got fat legs and my arms are all flabby" She turns to her
husband and says....."Tell me something positive to make me feel better
about myself" He thinks about it for a bit and then says in a soft
voice........"well......there's nothing wrong with your eyesight".

POLISH SAUSAGE
A guy goes into a store and tells the clerk, "I'd like some Polish sausage."
The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?"
The clerk says, "Well, no."
With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well, all right then why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage?"

The clerk replies, "Because this is Home Depot."

A woman three months pregnant falls into a deep coma. Six months later, she awakes and asks the nearest doctor about the fate of her baby.

"You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine," says the doctor. "Luckily, your brother named them for you."

"Oh shit, not by brother! He's an idiot! What did he call the girl?"

"Denise," the doctor replies.

Thinking that isn't so bad, she asks, "And what did he call the boy?"

The doctor answers, "Denephew."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bill Gates dies and goes to hell.

Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever."

Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions.

Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a Beautiful young blonde with an alluring look on her face, sitting at a table on which there is a bottle of the finest wine. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says, "I'll take this option."

"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.

"That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!"

"That's what everyone thinks," snickered Satan. "The bottle has a hole in it and the girl hasn't..."

"What about the PC?"

"It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan. "And it's missing three keys."

"Which three?"

"Control, Alt and Delete."

A woman three months pregnant falls into a deep coma. Six months later, she awakes and asks the nearest doctor about the fate of her baby.

"You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine," says the doctor. "Luckily, your brother named them for you."

"Oh shit, not by brother! He's an idiot! What did he call the girl?"

"Denise," the doctor replies.

Thinking that isn't so bad, she asks, "And what did he call the boy?"

The doctor answers, "Denephew."

Actual dialog of a former Wordperfect Customer Support employee:

"Wordperfect Customer Support; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.

"Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

"Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

"Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power outage."

"A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

The following is an excerpt from the Wall Street Journal by Jim Carlton.

This was forwarded by P. Wyatt .

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key," "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was
hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the
plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining
that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes.
After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem,
it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into
the typewriter to type the labels.

4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes.
A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed
copies of the floppies.

5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy
back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold
on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room
to close the door to his room.

6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer
to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered
the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the
monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a
Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me
a couple of friends," the customer replied. When told Egghead
was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for
me to find a couple of geeks."

8. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no
longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water
and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing
them individually.

9. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged
because his computer had told him he was "bad" and "invalid."
The tech explained that the computer's bad and invalid
responses shouldn't be taken personally.

10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get
her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged
in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button.
Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing
Happens." The "pedal" turned out to be the computer's
mouse.

11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new
computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in,
and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked
what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, "What power switch?"

12. True story from a Novell NetWire Sys Op:

Tech support: Hello, this is Tech Support.

Caller: Is this tech support?

Tech support: Yes, it is. How may I help you?

Caller: The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting
that fixed?

Tech Support: I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?

Caller: Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer.

Tech Support: Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped. It's because I am. Did you receive this as part of
a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?

Caller: It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has "4X" on it.

At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!

lolZ~
i like the cup holder...creative guy
using cd-rom
hahah~
maybe i should try that

Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Mary suddenly jumped into the deep end. She sunk to the bottom and stayed there. Jim promptly jumped in to save her. He swam to the bottom and pulled Mary out.
When the medical director became aware of Jim's heroic act he immediately ordered him to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered him to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Jim the news he said, "Jim, I have good news and bad news.
The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses.
The bad news is, Mary, the patient you saved, hung herself with her dressing gown belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but she's dead."

Jim replied, "She didn't hang herself. I put her there to dry."

LolZ@!!!
he's not recovered after all~
hahaha!
good 1

In the beginning there was the Plan.

And then came the Assumptions.

And the Plan was without Substance.

And darkness was upon the face of the Workers.

And they spoke amongst themselves, saying, "This is a crock of shit and it stinks!"

And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, "It is a pail of dung, and none may abide the odor thereof!"

And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying, "It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide it!"

And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength!"

And the Directors spoke amongst themselves, saying to one another, "It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."

And the Directors went unto the Vice Presidents, saying unto them, "It promotes growth, and it is very powerful!"

And the Vice Presidents went unto the President, saying unto him, "This new Plan will actively promote the growth and vigor in the company, with powerful effect!"

And the President looked upon the Plan, and saw that it was good...

And the Plan became Policy.

And that is how shit happens.