Three women die together in an accident
and go to heaven.


When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"


So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.


Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.


St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"


The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.


The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.


She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on . very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.


St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.



The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"


The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

The wife of a Southern Baptist preacher talks to her Sunday
School class about a wonderful religious experience that she had
last week.

"The other day I went up to the local Christian book store where
I saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker. I was feeling
particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a
thrilling choir performance at the church. I then bought that
bumper sticker and put it on the back bumper of my car. I'm
really glad that I did. What followed was a truly uplifting
experience ."

"I was stopped at the light of a busy intersection, just lost in
thought about the Lord, and I did not notice that the light had
changed. It's a good thing someone else loves Jesus or I may
have never noticed that the light had changed. I found that lots
of people love Jesus. Why the guy behind me started to honk like
crazy and then he leaned out his window and screamed, "For the
love of GOD, Go!... Go! Jesus Christ! Go!"

"Everyone was honking. I leaned out my window and waved and
smiled to all those loving people and I even honked my horn a few
times to share in the love."

"There must have been a man from Florida back there because I
could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach. I saw
another guy waving a funny way with only his middle finger stuck
up in the air. When I asked my teenager son in the back seat what
this meant, he said that it was nothing, probably a Hawaiian good
luck sign or something. Well, I have never met a person from
Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck
sign back. My son burst into laughter. Why even he was enjoying
the love of this religious experience."

"A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the
moment that they got out of their car and were walking towards
me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but
that is when I noticed that the light had changed. I waved one
more time to my loving brothers and sisters and drove through the
intersection."

"I was the only car that got across the intersection before the
light changed again. I felt kind of bad that I had to leave them
and all that love that we had shared. So, I slowed the car down,
leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck
sign one more time as I drove away."

"Praise the Lord for such a wonderful experience. Honk if you
love Jesus!!!"

3 guys were stuck on an island having been captured by a bunch of cannibals. The cannibals were about and ready to have them for lunch. The cannibals ask the 3 if they had any last requests before dying and being eaten. The 3 guys requested to be given a chance into being let go. The head chief cannibal says, "Fair enough. But you must follow the rules in which we set for you. If you successfully pass our test, you will be let go." The 3 men agreed to the chief's generous offer and awaited for the instructions.
The chief instructs, "Each of you must go out and gather 10 of the same type of fruits. You may pick whatever fruit you wish, but you must come back within 10 minutes and await further instructions, or you will be instantly killed!"
So the 3 men go out and gather their 10 fruits of choice.
The first guy comes back with 10 apples. "Chief. I've gone and gathered my 10 fruits and came back as you've instructed."
The chief replies, "Good, good! Now, for your task.... You must shove those 10 apples up your asshole WITHOUT making ANY noise or gestures! If you can complete this task successfully, you will be set free." The first guy begins shoving those apples up his hole. 1,2,3,4.... and after the 5th one, he yelped in pain. He was instantly killed.
The second guy comes back with 10 little blackberries. "Chief, I've returned with my fruits of choice. What happened to the first guy?"
The chief replied, "He failed. Now you must complete the task which I've set."
The chief explains it and then the second guy figures that it'd be no problem because it was only these small blackberries which he had to shove up his ass. So he went.... 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8 and on the 9th berry, he suddenly burst out into laughter and was immediatley killed.
In heaven, the first guy asked the second guy what happened. "I thought you were going to get away with it. Why'd you laugh? Did it tickle?"
The second guy replied, "No it didn't tickle! It was all going so good until I seen the third guy running back with 10 pineapples"

Sunday School

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Reason Why I Fired My Secretary

Two weeks ago was my forty-fifth birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say �gHappy Birthday,�h and probably have a present for me.
She didn't even say �gGood Morning,�h alone any �gHappy Birthday.�h I thought, �gWell, that's wives for you. Maybe the children will remember.�h

The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.

When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, �gGood morning boss, Happy Birthday.�h And I felt a little better; someone had remembered.

I worked until noon. Then Janet knocked on my door and said, �gYou know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me.�h I said, �gBy George, that's the best thing I've heard all day. Let's go.�h

We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.

On the way back to the office, she said, �gYou know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?�h I said, �gNo, I guess not.�h She said, �gLet's go to my apartment.�h After arriving at her apartment she said, �gBoss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable.�h

�gSure,�h I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends. All were singing �gHappy Birthday�h and there on the couch I sat... naked.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met.
After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding.
Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress.
Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.

Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.

Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.

Only one of them survived the accident.


Question: Who was the survivor?











Answer:

The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.





**** Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke.

**** Men keep scrolling.










So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.

****Men Keep scrolling
















By the way, if you're a woman and you're still reading, this illustrates another point: Women never listen.

lol

A group of women is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only."

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men
here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the
men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Women's English"

Yes = No.

No = Yes.

Maybe = No.

I'm sorry = You'll be sorry...

We need = I want.

It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.

Do what ever you want = You'll pay for this later.

We need to talk = I need to complain.

Sure go ahead = I don't want you to.

I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

You're so manly = You need a shave, and you sweat a lot.

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.

I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.

I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.

Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.

How much do you love me? = I did something today you're going to hate.

I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.

You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.

Are you listening to me!? = Too late, you're dead,


AND.........


"Men's English"

I'm hungry = I'm hungry.

I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy.

I'm tired = I'm tired.

Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!

You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you.

What's wrong? = What stupid self inflicted psychological trauma is it now?

What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question?

I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?

I love you = Let's have sex now!

I love you, too = Okay, I said it. Now can we have sex?

Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before.

Let's talk = I'll impress you by showing you I am a deep guy. then maybe sex?

Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with others.

I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together = I'm gay.

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is I think I should be in the third grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.

The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry: after a moment, "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered, why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants"

Ms. Brooks: "What's starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer was given.

Harry: Bubble gum.

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and dog do on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?

Harry: "Firetruck"

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth grade, I got the last 7 questions wrong.

haha
sorta true

muahahha
smart boy!

In a gulag in North Korea they were applying, as usual, cruel and excessive punishment to prisoners. Today, the soldiers were punishing rapists by mutilating their penises.
The prisoners in question form a line in front of the officer administering the punishment as he called them one by one.

-"You! What do you do?"
-"I'm a carpenter." says the first.
So the soldier takes out a hacksaw and cuts his organ off.

-"Next. What's your job?"
-"I'm a construction worker."
So the guy grabs a brick and smashes his thing to smithereens.

-"Next. What do you do?"
-"Butcher."
So he takes a kitchen knife and hacks at it mercilessly.

-"Next. What are you laughing at, jackass?"
-"Well, I sell lollipops so guess how you're going to get rid of it!"

hehe nasty

Saddam Hussein dies and goes to hell. The devil eagerly awaiting, welcomes Saddam. "Why hello Saddam. I've been expecting you! Let me take you on a small tour of hell. After the tour, because you were a freakin' terrorist on Earth, I will allow you to choose your destiny in hell. And don't worry, it won't be as bad as usual punishment is since you've served evil during your life."
The devil shows Saddam all the realms of hell. "Now", says the devil, "I will show you 2 of your possible destinies.
"2???!!" replies Saddam. "I thought you said I may pick my destiny?!"
The devil replies, "Where the HELL do you think you are?????? Anyway Saddam, here are you two choices...."
The devil shows Saddam a room with Hitler in it chained to a wall, getting whipping and burned. Saddam tells the devil, "Oh, I don't think I could handle that. My skin is too sensitive for being whipped and burned."
"OK" says the devil.
Next the devil shows Saddam the other room. In it is Bill Clinton chained to the floor, and on top of him is Monica Lewinski giving him a head job.
Saddam eagerly jumped at this opportunity saying "I'll take this a my eternal punishment!!!!"
The devil smiled and said "Ok Saddam, it's now your fate for eternity! Monica, you can leave now!"

lol

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.
One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."

any blonde in here?? gomen not meant to be offensive.. just a joke^^

In an office building there was a blonde and a redhead working for a brunette. Now on fridays the brunette would always go early leaving the blonde and redhead to lock up the office. One friday the office was running slow and there was nothing else left to do so the blonde and redhead decided to sneak off work early and made a pact not to tell their brunette boss. The blonde went home and when she opened her bedroom door she found her boyfriend and her brunette boss having sex. She imediately slammed the door and panicked. She thought to herself, "Oh my god! I better get out of here, i cant let her know i got off work early"

A man is talking to God.

He asks Him, "what is a million years like to you?"

"Like one second," God replies.

"Oh, well, what is a million dollars like to you?"

God says, "Like one penny".

"Can I have a penny, Lord?" the man asks.

"Sure, just a second"

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island.

One day, the three of them are walking along the beach and discover a
magic lamp. They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie.

The genie says, "Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each
have one."

The brunette says, "I've been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my
husband, and my life. I just want to go home."

POOF! The brunette gets her wish and she is returned to her family.

Then, the red head says, "I've been stuck here for years as well. I miss
my family, my husband, and my life. I wish I could go home too."

POOF! The redhead gets her wish and she is returned to her family.

The blonde starts crying uncontrollably. The genie asks, "My dear, what's the matter?"

The blonde whimpers, "I wish my friends were still here."

The Parrot

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted
a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage
that said $50.00. "Why so little,"
she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should
tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of
prostitution, and sometimes it
says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had
to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the
bird's cage up in her living room
and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and
said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but
then thought "that's not so bad."

When her two tennage daughters returned from school
the bird saw them and said,
"New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but
then began to laugh about the situation.
Moments later, the woman's husband,
Keith, came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Keith."

LOL

Michi wrote:

A man is talking to God. He asks Him, "what is a million years like to you?" "Like one second," God replies. "Oh, well, what is a million dollars like to you?" God says, "Like one penny". "Can I have a penny, Lord?" the man asks. "Sure, just a second"

Nice!