new words ....

TESTICULATING.
Waving your arms around and talking B*llocks.

BLAMESTORMING.
Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a
project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER.
A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and
then leaves.

ASSMOSIS.
The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by
sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.

SALMON DAY.
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get
screwed and die.

CUBE FARM.
An office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING.
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and
people's heads pop up over the walls to see that's going on. (This also applies
to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)

SITCOMs.
Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into
when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with
the kids or start a "home business".

SINBAD.
single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.

STRESS PUPPY.
A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE .
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it
to work again.

ADMINISPHERE.
The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and
file.
Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly
inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" - needless
paperwork and processes.

404.
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not
Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.

OHNOSECOND.
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just
made a BIG mistake ( e.g. you've hit 'reply all')

GOING FOR A McSH*T.
Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're
just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your
declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is known as a
McSh*t with Lies.

AEROPLANE BLONDE.
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

AUSSIE KISS.
Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

BEER COAT.
The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise
at 3am.

BEER COMPASS.
The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze
cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got
here, and where you've come from.

GREYHOUND.
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

MILLENNIUM DOMES.
The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from
the outside, but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.

MONKEY BATH.
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go:"Oo!Oo!Oo!
Aa!Aa!Aa!".

MYSTERY BUS.
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the
toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the
pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

MYSTERY TAXI.
The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake
up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your
bed instead.

PICASSO BUM.
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's
got four buttocks

SALAD DODGER.
An excellent phrase for an overweight person

SWAMP-DONKEY
A deeply unattractive person

TART FUEL.
Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women
_________________

the following are extracts from british tv or radio quizzes. don't you just hate stupid people?

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?
Contestant: Homosexuals.
Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset
with you.


BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.
Theakston: There's a clue in the title.
Contestant: Leicester.


BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: I don't know.
White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand
and your elbow?
Contestant: Arm.
White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're..?
Contestant: Strong.
White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant: Louis.
White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song
What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: Frank Sinatra?


LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS)
Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy?
Contestant: France.
Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.
Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the
Parthenon?
Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski: Just guess a country then.
Contestant: Paris.


THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written
books about their experiences in what : prison, or the Conservative Party?
Contestant: The Conservative Party.


THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC 2)
Anne Robinson: In traffic, what 'J' is where two roads meet?
Contestant: Jool carriageway?


BEACON RADIO (WOLVERHAMPTON)
DJ Mark: For 10 Pounds, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?


GWR FM (Bristol)
Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.


MAGIC 52 (NORTHEAST ENGLAND)
Presenter: In what year was President Kennedy assassinated?
Contestant: Erm . . .
Presenter: Well, let's put it this way - he didn't see 1964.
Contestant: 1965?


RTE RADIO 2FM (IRELAND)
Presenter: What is the name of the long- running TV comedy show about
pensioners: Last Of The ..?
Caller: Mohicans.


PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO MANCHESTER)
Phil: What's 11 squared?
Contestant: I don't know.
Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.
Contestant: Is it five?


SIMPLY THE BEST (ITV)
Phil Tufnell: How many Olympic Games have been held?
Contestant: Six.
Tufnell: Higher!
Contestant: Five.


FORT BOYARD (CHALLENGE TV)
Jodie Marsh: Arrange these two groups of letters to form a word ??? CHED and
PIT.
Team: Chedpit.


LINCS FM PHONE-IN
Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant: Barcelona.
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain.


RADIO 1 EARLY MORNING SHOW
Presenter: How many toes would three people have in total?
Contestant: 23.


NOTTS AND CROSSES QUIZ (BBC RADIO NOTTINGHAM)
Jeff Owen: In which country is Mount Everest?
Contestant (long pause): Er, it's not in Scotland, is it?


THE MICK GIRDLER SHOW (BBC RADIO SOLENT)
Girdler: I'm looking for an island in the Atlantic whose name includes the
letter 'e'.
Contestant: Ghana.
Girdler: No, listen. It's an island in the Atlantic Ocean.
Contestant: New Zealand.


NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Question: What is the world's largest continent?
Contestant: The Pacific


ROCK FM (PRESTON)
Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a
famous painting by Leonardo Da Vinci.
Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?


THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
Steve Le Fevre: What was signed to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant: Magna Carta.


JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... er . er
...three?


RICHARD ALLINSON SHOW (RADIO 2)
Allinson: What international brand shares its name with the Greek goddess of
victory?
Contestant (after long deliberation): Erm, Kellogg's?


BLIND DATE (ITV)
Girl: Name a book written by Jane Austen.
Boy: Charlotte Bronte.


CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL)
Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna?
Caller: Japan.
Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I
can let you try again.
Caller: Er ... Mexico?


PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE)
Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.


NATIONAL LOTTERY
Eamonn Holmes: Dizzy Gillespie is famous for playing what?
Contestant: Basketball.


NOTTS AND CROSSES QUIZ
Jeff Owen: Where did the D-Day landings take place?
Contestant (after pause): Pearl Harbor?


DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant: Holland?
Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant: Iceland? Ireland?
Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel?
Contestant: No.


PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant: Er . . .
Wood: It's got two syllables . . . Kor . . .
Contestant: Blimey?
Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . .
Contestant: (Silence)
Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .
Contestant: Walked?


THE VAULT
Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer
can fall asleep at any time?
Contestant: Nostalgia.


BREAKFAST SHOW, RADIO 1
Chris Moyles: Which 'S' is a kind of whale that can grow up to 80 tonnes?
Contestant: Ummm . . .
Moyles: It begins with 'S' and rhymes with 'perm'.
Contestant: Shark.


STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character
clad only in a loincloth did he play?
Contestant: Jesus
_________________

Yes, it's again that magical time of the year when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least-evolved among us.

And the glorious Winner for 2007 is:

1.
When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again.
This time it worked.

And now, the Honorable Mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. A Texas teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter.
The total amount of cash he got from the drawer: $15.

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas.
The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied,
'Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from.'

9. The Ann Arbor Michigan News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan , at 5 a.m. , flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast.
The man, frustrated, walked away.

******THE 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER** ***

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage.
A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd had in a very long time.

In the interest of bettering human kind please share these with your friends and family. Unless of course one of the 10 winners by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.
_________________

A young man called Peter invited his mother for dinner, during the course of
the meal; his mother couldn't help but notice how handsome Peter's flatmate,
Simon, was.
She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this
only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started
to wonder if there was more between Peter and his flatmate than met the eye.
Reading his mum's thoughts, Peter volunteered, 'I know what you must be
thinking, but I assure you, Simon & I are just flatmates'.

About a week later, Simon came to Peter saying, 'Ever since your mother came
to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't suppose she
took it do you?' 'Well I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her just to be sure' said
Peter. So he sat down and wrote:


DEAR MOTHER,

I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID' TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE, I'M NOT
SAYING THAT YOU 'DID NOT' TAKE THE FRYING PAN BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IT
HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER.

LOVE PETER


Several days later, Peter received an email from his mother which read:


DEAR SON,

I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DO' SLEEP WITH SIMON, AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU
'DO NOT' SLEEP WITH SIMON, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF HE WAS SLEEPING IN
HIS OWN BED, HE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE F**KING FRYING PAN BY NOW.

LOVE MUM


Lesson of the day,



NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER
_________________

All those are hilarious!!! I notice that in the interest of fair play, all the stupid contestants are from Britain and most of the Darwin Awards people are from America.

Edit: But not a Canadian in either group

The Official Canadian Temperature Conversion Chart

50�� Fahrenheit (10�� C)
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
Canadians plant gardens.

35�� Fahrenheit (1.6�� C)
Italian cars won't start
Canadians drive with the windows down

32�� Fahrenheit (0 �� C)
American water freezes
Canadian water gets thicker.

0�� Fahrenheit (-17.9�� C)
New York City landlords finally turn on the heat.
Canadians have the last cookout of the season.

-60�� Fahrenheit (-51�� C)
Mt.St. Helens freezes.
Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door.

-100�� Fahrenheit (-73�� C)
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Canadians pull down their ear flaps.

-173�� Fahrenheit (-114�� C)
Ethyl alcohol freezes.
Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.

-460�� Fahrenheit (-273�� C)
Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops.
Canadians start saying "cold, eh?"

gaijinmark wrote:

The Official Canadian Temperature Conversion Chart 50�� Fahrenheit (10�� C) Californians shiver uncontrollably. Canadians plant gardens. 35�� Fahrenheit (1.6�� C) Italian cars won't start Canadians drive with the windows down 32�� Fahrenheit (0 �� C) American water freezes Canadian water gets thicker. 0�� Fahrenheit (-17.9�� C) New York City landlords finally turn on the heat. Canadians have the last cookout of the season. -60�� Fahrenheit (-51�� C) Mt.St. Helens freezes. Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door. -100�� Fahrenheit (-73�� C) Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Canadians pull down their ear flaps. -173�� Fahrenheit (-114�� C) Ethyl alcohol freezes. Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg. -460�� Fahrenheit (-273�� C) Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops. Canadians start saying "cold, eh?"

This should go in the random Facts thread.
_________________

Wanna trade? My Drama List (UPDATED: July, 2013)

From The Onion:

Shaq Terrified Of Phoenix Suns After Reading About Supernovas

(click for article)

Depressed Candidate Runs Attack Ad About Self

A psychiatry student got permission from the mental institution's administration to interview some patients for a paper.

On the first floor, he saw a woman swinging an imaginary golf club. "What are you doing?" he asked. She replied, "I'm practicing my swing. I'm cured and when I get out next week I intend to become a pro golfer." On the second floor, he saw a man swinging an imaginary baseball bat. "What are you doing?" he asked. The patient answered, "I'm practicing my swing. I'm cured and when I get out next week I intend to become a professional baseball player."

The student thought he was getting a handle on things and his paper would be a success until he got to the third floor. There he found a naked man thrusting his member in and out of a jar of peanuts. He asked, "What are you doing?" The patient replied, "I'm never getting out of here. I'm f*��king nuts!"
_________________

tabana wrote:

A psychiatry student got permission from the mental institution's administration to interview some patients for a paper. On the first floor, he saw a woman swinging an imaginary golf club. "What are you doing?" he asked. She replied, "I'm practicing my swing. I'm cured and when I get out next week I intend to become a pro golfer." On the second floor, he saw a man swinging an imaginary baseball bat. "What are you doing?" he asked. The patient answered, "I'm practicing my swing. I'm cured and when I get out next week I intend to become a professional baseball player." The student thought he was getting a handle on things and his paper would be a success until he got to the third floor. There he found a naked man thrusting his member in and out of a jar of peanuts. He asked, "What are you doing?" The patient replied, "I'm never getting out of here. I'm f*��king nuts!"

wow poor student what ap paper what grade he got i wonder
_________________

From The Onion:

Bush Hopes Recession Doesn't Affect Sales Of His Memoirs

February 22, 2008 | Issue 44•08

WASHINGTON�\President George W. Bush told reporters Monday that he remains optimistic that the impending recession will end before his memoirs go on sale. "With any luck, we can pull together as a nation and get through this thing before Dec. 15, 2010," said Bush, referring to the tentative release date of his autobiography, "Born Leading."

"It would be a terrible tragedy if this massive economic downturn left the average American family unable to afford the $39.95 plus tax they need to buy my book." Bush added that he is currently considering an exclusive straight- to-paperback deal with Wal-Mart to make his memoirs less costly should the country slide into a crippling economic depression.

lol

Once upon a time a man told a small village, "I will buy monkeys for $10 each." Since there were many monkeys in the forest, the villagers caught them and sold them to the man. As the supply of monkeys diminished, the villagers' efforts slowed, so the man offered them $20 each. They renewed their efforts but the supply of monkeys diminished further, so he increased his price to $25.

Soon no one could even find a monkey in the forest. The man increased his price to $50, but announced, "Since I must go to the city on business, I authorize my assistant to buy monkeys on my behalf." As soon as his boss was gone, the assistant told the villagers, "My boss has collected lots of monkeys. I'll sell them to you for $35 and then, when he returns, you can sell them to him for $50." The villagers rounded up all the money they could and bought as many monkeys as possible. Then they had monkeys everywhere... but they never saw the man or his assistant again. And now you understand the workings of the stock market!
_________________

tabana wrote:

lol Once upon a time a man told a small village, "I will buy monkeys for $10 each." Since there were many monkeys in the forest, the villagers caught them and sold them to the man. As the supply of monkeys diminished, the villagers' efforts slowed, so the man offered them $20 each. They renewed their efforts but the supply of monkeys diminished further, so he increased his price to $25. Soon no one could even find a monkey in the forest. The man increased his price to $50, but announced, "Since I must go to the city on business, I authorize my assistant to buy monkeys on my behalf." As soon as his boss was gone, the assistant told the villagers, "My boss has collected lots of monkeys. I'll sell them to you for $35 and then, when he returns, you can sell them to him for $50." The villagers rounded up all the money they could and bought as many monkeys as possible. Then they had monkeys everywhere... but they never saw the man or his assistant again. And now you understand the workings of the stock market!

LOL!
_________________

Wanna trade? My Drama List (UPDATED: July, 2013)

tabana wrote:

...And now you understand the workings of the stock market!

That the first time anyone explained to me this clearly that the stock market is just monkey business...

Got screwed up like that more than once.
_________________

What do you call 500 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?

A good start

gaijinmark wrote:

What do you call 500 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start

Prior to the above, this happened:

Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?

No? Good!

A Really Bad Day

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

gaijinmark wrote:

and most of the Darwin Awards people are from America. Edit: But not a Canadian in either group

Stop kidding yourself.....

You guys are the 51st state, arent you?
_________________

Trade or Distro
It's all good!

Check out my drama trade list: http://www.freewebs.com/evendrama/