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A story about suicidal tendencies.

 
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Ikumu



Joined: 16 Aug 2004
Posts: 64
Location: Washington DC
Country: Japan

PostPosted: Thu Sep 09, 2004 2:30 am    Post subject: A story about suicidal tendencies. Reply with quote Back to top

I wrote this for another board that Im a member of. It took me a while to type it, and I think it's a serious topic, so I thought I'd cross-forum-post it in jdorama.

It's PG-13, meaning there's some language, but since you have to be at least 13 to get on a board it should be ok. If you're offended by potty mouth, then please hit the 'back' button icon. So here's how I posted it on the other board (funny, it's a car forum...if anyone recognizes me, please be discrete about my identity...thanks).
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
this is my rebuttle to the guys that want to take their lives as of late. it's long, it's serious, but i tried to make it not-so-dry for an easier read. and yes, i was a dumb cock of a freshman. no cliff's. read it if you care (how rhetorical).


story (no names for persons or university, i dont need leaks):

my freshman year at tech, i was assigned to a roommate who was an engineering major. smart fella. i think he was 7th or 8th in his senior class. hated his mother, for she left him, his dad, and 4 OR 5 OF HIS SIBLINGS ranging from 3-15 yrs old. i just remember 2 of his siblings being very young. his dad wasnt exactly on a 6 figure salary, i knew this from his student loans and how they packed all those kids in a rather old, 4 dr sedan. sounds bad? yeah i had sympathy. if any of you have ever gone through the 1st year (or any year for that matter) of an engineering program at tech, you'll know that it's pretty rigorous. no fucking around, or else you'll be left in the toilet like that last turd that couldnt make it with the flush.

i just remember in the beginning of that fall, in the middle of the night all i'd hear was typing, aol instant message beeps, and icq sounds. holy crap it was annoying. studying? shit, smartypants was blowin' as much shit off as i was(hey, i went to my classes, except for my 830am ones *freshman scheduling mistake*...eventhough i probably didnt pay attention of the ones i DID go to).
fast forward a few weeks...he made some friends(yay!), and landed himself a gf. a cute one at that. super sweet gal. yeah, i admit, i thought about plowing her snow. i was 18, gimme a break...hmm, im 24 now and i guess i still think about plowing snow...shit, i better be.

fast forward another few weeks or so. he becomes dark. silent. no more smilies, just angry, angry, keyboard typing. lotsa heavy breathing. no, he wasnt spanking...come to think of it, he probably did that in the shower b/c i never caught him, unlike all my other future roommates. so anyways i asked him, "what's up, bro?" his response, "im failing my classes.....me and blahblahblah broke-up". i replied, "ahh man, that sucks. who cares though, tons of other ladies in this big ass university". no response.

fast forward a few hours. im on the top bunk, and in the middle of the night i wake up to sobbing and thick, tense, air (not farts).
i ask him what's up. he's furious. he's become hateful to ALL females. his mother leaves him, his girl leaves him. ahh, shitty infatuation over a gal. naive freshman boys(you need a few or a dozen under your belt by the time you get to college, or it's heartbreak city, baby). i basically replay my convo of 6 hours earlier, reassuring him that girls lick nutsacks for a cup of warm beast lite up in our school, let alone our co-ed dorm.

for the next few days, he seems quite normal(to me, at least), but a tad bit more quiet.
so one night, after my homies in the hall go back to their rooms after a heavy night of drinking and watching "movies for guys who like movies" (woot, van damme and bloodsport!), im laying on the top bunk swingin my left leg, hanging my left asscheek off the bed, trying relentlessly to put my foot down just so i can stop the ceiling from spinning when all of a sudden i hear him mutter "do you ever wonder why we're here? i mean, what's our purpose?" i respond, "eh?" then my mind's thinking "stop...the...spinning...hey...chicks!...short cotton gym shorts, when am i gonna have my first two chicks-at-once action? aww man, i just went through 4 yrs of HS, why 4 more years of institution?...and why, why did i drink drink drink and forget to get some water before goin to bed...."

my drunken thoughts were interrupted by another muttering..."do you ever think about killing people?"
i nearly threw-up on myself when he said that...i guess the element of surprise and the alcohol combo, my body just couldnt handle it, or maybe it wasnt even his wicked question that regurged the hot acidic breath mint. i tried to gather whatever thoughts i had in mind and came up with the best response i could. "naw bro."

he goes on..."see, one way, you could just slice someone's throat while they are sleeping."
soberness is TRYING to hit me like a ton of bricks, but from this point the conversation's become so serious i cant remember if i was sober or not...hopefully you know what i mean.
i say, "why? what's up man?"
his response, "im not gonna do anything, im not seriously thinking about it or anything..."
i remember for the rest of that night i tried my hardest to stay awake. most likely i passed out within 3 minutes.

the wkend comes up. i've noticed that my roommate's been gone all day...all night. next morning the RA comes knocking on my door. "hey, he went back home for a while".
cool. maybe that's what he needs. then rumors start flying around the hall saying that my roommate went to the top of a dorm and tried to take the Nestle plunge of death. shit.
beers and chicks have already taken my mind off of studying for my short time at this university, now this? seriously, i didnt know what to think.

he comes back a week or so later with his dad, and his gang of siblings. he says, 'hey man, it was cool being your roommate. i think im gonna take some time off from school and get some stuff straight." i respond, "hey bro, do whatcha gotta do. and good luck." of course within that conversation i tried to throw in my senseless words of wisdom to him.
at this point, i figured it was a happy ending. or perhaps a bright new beginning. however you want to see it. he falls down, goes under, but comes back up and seems to be on top of things. wrong.

a few weeks roll by, and im REALLY, REALLY, enjoying the fact that i have the room all to myself for the last month and a half of the semester(before tech replaced their old bunks, it was possible to take the top bunk off, get extra supports and form two twin beds which i placed adjacent to each other...aww yeah, pimp set-up for the ladies).
i come back to my room after a class (dammit, i told you, i go to classes. just not the 8:30s), when one of my homies tells me that the RA wants to see me in his room.
shit, he wants to yell at me for skateboarding in the halls again...or maybe the girls' RA told him that i keep using the chicks' bathroom b/c im too lazy to walk over to the guys' hall when im over there. i've crapped b/w two chicks a couple of times, never will i again.
i knock on my RA's door...it opens, and standing there are 2 cops. i forgot if they were city or campus police. i think they were the former.

now i'm flippin' like a paranoid stoner. "fuck, im 18...got cases of beers in my closet, and some chillin in the fridge." i was a broke college student so i didnt have a bag on me. *phew*...kinda.

my silly mind was off by a LONG shot...they start questioning me about my roommate. what was he like. what was my relationship with him (relationship?). when was the last time i saw him (shit, when he moved out, derrr...but keep reading though). had he changed in anyway that i could notice while he was living with me. they say thanks, and leave.

i waltz back into my room, and my RA comes in (my door's usually open, blasting 311 and Marley...i actually got yelled for this also, but not this time). the RA goes, "hey man, he came back yesterday. he took some girl with him to the top of our dorm, and tried to have her jump with him." WTF!!!
he goes on, "right now we dont know where he is. but if you see him, tell him i want to see him IMMEDIATELY." yeah my smartself figured at least that much.
i ask him about my roomie's first attempt at platform diving a few wks earlier, and it was confirmed. damn. 0 for 2 (not like i wanted to see it 1 for 2, no way, but damn, cut that shit out already).

so perhaps not even an hour or so later, my boy from down the hall comes haulin' ass to my room.."oh shit, oh shit, he's here...yeah we just sent him to the RA's room." apparently the cops never left the grounds b/c by the time the crowd was forming around the RA's door, the cops were there in a jiffy. i didnt see if they arrested his ass, but they took him away.

**funny thing is, the hippies were always pullin' tubes down the hallway, and you could ALWAYS smell skunk and northern lights throughout our hall (that's marijuana, for you str8 edge folk). cops paid no mind to this matter today(ha! just for TODAY, anyways!).

so the RA comes over for another chitchat after the fiasco. tells me that the 'campus psychiatrist' wants to talk to me. im thinking, 'aight, so i guess he wants to ask me questions about the roomie". wait, poopoo thinking. silly me fooled my dumbself. he wanted me for a mind massage...me?!

i walk into this GIGANTIC freakin' office. kinda looks like the room where they did the walk-through practice in The Program, or School Ties, I forget which movie it was. anyways, i dunno why but the room made me want to play wiffle ball. there was a marble top desk, oriental rugs, oak or whatever's nice looking finished furniture everywhere. these furnitures even had those gold plated thumbtack looking things holding down the cushions.

and wow, this guy looked like a psychiatrist, all right. (no offense, no offense). he was probably in his early forties, large, carried a spare tire for a monster truck around his waist, thinning hair...and wore glasses that were too small for his sweaty head. brown slacks, and i believe it was a cardigan underneath his tannish sportcoat. GQ at its finest. no way this fucker had a lady. my shit for brains fooled me once again. fool had a wedding band that was cutting off his ring finger's circulation.

so he gives me your TYPICAL psychiatric questions (holy shit, what i see and hear on tv IS true! alf...oh no, he's one scary fucker that eats kitties Cry ). im thinking, 'man, this guy is a tool. back before i first got laid, and i was playin' the bitch among my chick friends thinkin that i was gonna score by listening to ALL their problems, i coulda been making assloads of money by doing that shit sitting in his sweat-residued chair'.

i reassure him over and over that i'm fine. yeah, the whole "i wanna play 'roomie the throat slicer'-while-people-are-sleeping" had me scared, but im the type where if shit didnt happen (me witnessing the dicing of others or me experiencing the tragedy, myself), let's not dwell on it. he finally lets me out, or gives up, whatever....great, im finally free.

so that's where it ends. i never hear from the roomie again, and when the semester ended, i heard that he was in the mental shop in the next town over, and that he might be charged with some crap for tryin' to get that chick to jump with him the second time around (she's the one that stopped it from happening as well; she got cold feet then reported his ass).

so please, if you ever think about ending yourself (a.k.a. /yourself), think about the others. think about how tough his dad had it with ALL those kids, how his oldest son had gone fufu, and how his siblings were gonna take the fact that their big brother had become unstable. fuck me, dont worry about me, i was the smallest part of that equation. i just felt for the guy. a great kid that just couldnt handle what life had dealt him.

i forgot to mention in there that one night he had told me that he had lost his faith in the mister Man above. i couldnt help him any, im not religious by any means but it's possible that someone's looking over us. just maybe. my thinking is if you can have faith in Him, then one can have faith in a rock. one can have faith in satan. one can have faith in whatever it is that one put their thoughts into. so dont be a bitch and kill yourself, because that's cheating.

you dont know what life is or why things are going the way they are? well fucking live it out. maybe you'll find the answer...maybe you'll find happiness...that's worth living for, isnt it?



a note that he wont see:
roomie, you left your brand new tube of toothpaste in my diddy box, and i used it like, 2 years later. it was great. colgate's one of my favorites, the fluoride felt funny when i'd be brushing my teeth then decide in the midst of it, to clamp down my chompers. you were and are in my thoughts, man. im sure you're doin' great now...sorry for the mornings when you were nice enough to wake me up for my 8:30s and i cursed and tried to fight you...i swear it was in my sleep! (and i dont do it now! maybe.) make that loot, become successful, and live a sweet life b/c your mind is capable of greatness. see ya..your roomie, Shmoo.
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Ikumu



Joined: 16 Aug 2004
Posts: 64
Location: Washington DC
Country: Japan

PostPosted: Thu Sep 09, 2004 9:25 am    Post subject: Reply with quote Back to top

amazing, 40 views but not one reply except via private messaging. im feeling a "Japanese" atmosphere in here in regards to chatting about a topic like this. it's serious. and im willing to talk to anyone, so if you're afraid to talk on here, private message me. im all ears and fingers. Hug
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yume



Joined: 27 Jun 2003
Posts: 212


PostPosted: Thu Sep 09, 2004 10:13 am    Post subject: Reply with quote Back to top

...yes, could be they're afraid to talk about this subject...

...or they only read half-way through and were not sure what to say or how it related to their beloved J-Dorama, haha.

I read the first parts, the middle, then I surmised it wasn't worth finishing since I knew where it would end with all of the cursing and overly drawn out metaphors of sex and turds. =/

Ah, being 18 in America. I tell ya.
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Szabotage



Joined: 30 Oct 2003
Posts: 37
Location: Kansas
Country: United States

PostPosted: Thu Sep 09, 2004 10:39 am    Post subject: Reply with quote Back to top

I agree it is a serious topic. However I was so offended by the way you were referring to women in the post (being a female myself) that it makes it difficult for me to want to say anything.

However...

I did experience something similar when a friend of mine was murdered by her husband, who then tried to kill himself. They had three kids who are being raised by relatives now--the husband was given a 25-to-life sentence.

He had seemed like a nice guy. We got along quite well. But he snapped when my friend had decided to ask for a divorce, even though they had been having some problems.

My husband's brother has had not one, but two friends who have "double-suicided" taking their girlfriend/spouse with them. (We don't know what to make of that--poor guy...) So these things do happen in America, more than one can expect. I don't know how it is in other countries.

I don't necessarily feel that suicide is always wrong (it depends on circumstances--in the case of a terminal disease it might be a mercy), but it is very wrong to kill someone else.

Freshman year is usually the hardest time on people, especially if you're not very outgoing. Sounds like the guy was having a hard time adjusting and cracked. Hopefully he is getting some of the help he needs now.

Living through something like that is harrowing, but the scars heal over.

--Maria
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Ikumu



Joined: 16 Aug 2004
Posts: 64
Location: Washington DC
Country: Japan

PostPosted: Thu Sep 09, 2004 10:42 am    Post subject: Reply with quote Back to top

that is true. i didnt provide cliff's. but on a 99% male honda forum, it was way more responsive. it's just strange, since i know there's more female traffic in here than on a car forum. i thought it'd be the males that were way more closed-up about it.

plus, it's GD, doesnt have to be about jdorama. akkan be Nut

aww yeah, crap....it does contain a lot of curse words, it was directed for my buds over on that forum....i didnt take the time to tone it down for some folks in here. gomen ne.
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Ikumu



Joined: 16 Aug 2004
Posts: 64
Location: Washington DC
Country: Japan

PostPosted: Thu Sep 09, 2004 10:47 am    Post subject: Reply with quote Back to top

Szabotage wrote:
words


yeah, mo ikkai aomorimasu. gomen nasai.

if i made it dry the guys would have never read it. and i really wanted the guys who were/are thinking about killing themselves to read it all the way through. there's a few on that board as of right now that are contemplating death. so i had to make it guy-humorous to make them keep reading.
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RedRum



Joined: 23 Jul 2003
Posts: 343
Location: Ontario
Country: Canada

PostPosted: Thu Sep 09, 2004 11:37 am    Post subject: Reply with quote Back to top

Ikumu wrote:
amazing, 40 views but not one reply except via private messaging. im feeling a "Japanese" atmosphere in here in regards to chatting about a topic like this. it's serious. and im willing to talk to anyone, so if you're afraid to talk on here, private message me. im all ears and fingers. Hug


I would but I was shocked by the length of the post. I'm just too lazy to read it all...
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Ikumu



Joined: 16 Aug 2004
Posts: 64
Location: Washington DC
Country: Japan

PostPosted: Thu Sep 09, 2004 12:45 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote Back to top

Quote:
RedRum

I would but I was shocked by the length of the post. I'm just too lazy to read it all...



understandable. i believe that interested and concerned parties would read this post in its entirety.
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Xavio



Joined: 05 Sep 2004
Posts: 580
Location: South of France
Country: France

PostPosted: Thu Sep 09, 2004 9:55 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote Back to top

I've read all the post yesterday and I didn't want to reply, because I have nothing to add except thing that everybody say.
Beside I have a friend who goes not well this time, because nothing go well for him, he is against the sytem... and he says he is thinking about killing himself...
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GhstDreamer



Joined: 28 Nov 2003
Posts: 78
Location: Where Gavagai Roam
Country: Canada

PostPosted: Thu Sep 09, 2004 11:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote Back to top

It's really hard to reply to a post like that...I mean most of us probably know someone who committed suicide. My parents' friend just committed suicide nearly two weeks ago - he went into his office on a saturday morning figured nobody was in anyways and jumped. Two years ago, another one of my parents' friend also committed suicide - jumped from his condominium balcony. My aunt committed suicide like 7 years ago - she had major depression. My brother when he was in last year of high school, his friend hung himself. The list just goes on...does that mean it's normal? No, and I would never think suicide is an easy way out - even though probably a large number of us has thought about it at least once. It's hard on everyone else - they're the ones who have to clean up the mess - feel the guilt and carry the burden.

Freshman year at college is tough - but the rest of life is even tougher. Your roommate needed to learn how to adapt appropriately to new situations and hopefully he's actually receiving the help he needs.
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bmwracer



Joined: 07 Jul 2003
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Location: Juri-chan's speed dial
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 10, 2004 12:03 am    Post subject: Reply with quote Back to top

GhstDreamer wrote:
I mean most of us probably know someone who committed suicide.

Really? Not me. Thankfully. Sweat
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Akakage



Joined: 23 Apr 2003
Posts: 9069
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 10, 2004 12:05 am    Post subject: Reply with quote Back to top

I just got back from work..wow..long post. I've reviewed too many documents today..I don't have the strenght to read it all.. Nut
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ahochaude



Joined: 01 Oct 2003
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Location: Matsuhama-cho, Ashiya-shi, Hyogo-ken, Japan
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 10, 2004 6:22 am    Post subject: Reply with quote Back to top

bmwracer wrote:

Really? Not me. Thankfully. Sweat


Me too.

But I have seen one who has commited suicide about two years back.

I was on my way home (in Waikiki) and there he was. Lying splat on the ground. *shivers* Still remember the details of his remnants.... Sweat
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lisasan



Joined: 04 Feb 2004
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Location: sbu
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 10, 2004 6:58 am    Post subject: Reply with quote Back to top

what is there to say? ppl just have to move on. they have to open up their minds. take a break from stress (like what i'm doing.. ;p) we just have to watch those who needs support and lacks faith.

i mean, i feel pretty bad after reading your entry. i read every single sentence and..well, this is just life. i mean..there are many ppl on the verge of committing suicide or done acts to hurt others. just plain losing their minds. that's why there's a branch of psychology in our society. i don't really know what to say anymore. it's just sad to know... Shake Head
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gregsan



Joined: 30 Jun 2004
Posts: 470
Location: Monrovia, CA (Southern CA)
Country: United States

PostPosted: Fri Sep 10, 2004 7:26 am    Post subject: Reply with quote Back to top

lisasan wrote:
what is there to say? ppl just have to move on. they have to open up their minds. take a break from stress (like what i'm doing.. ;p) we just have to watch those who needs support and lacks faith.

i mean, i feel pretty bad after reading your entry. i read every single sentence and..well, this is just life. i mean..there are many ppl on the verge of committing suicide or done acts to hurt others. just plain losing their minds. that's why there's a branch of psychology in our society. i don't really know what to say anymore. it's just sad to know... Shake Head


I read your whole post. There have been times that I've thought about it as well (NOT lately - i.e. it's been more than 5 years). Probably we all do at some point. Although, most of us don't take it beyond a "thought".

I was thinking the other day that suicide seems to be higher in Japan than here in the US. Everytime I go, at least one person jumps in front of a subway car (NO - not in front of me). Probably my impressions are just skewed because I actually hear about it (that and the movie suicide circle/club), whereas most suicides here are probably never heard about unless you know the person.

Anyways...it was a good post, but unless someone here is thinking about it themselves (I guess people were on your other board)...I don't know how I can really contribute to the topic (as probably most people here feel).
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Ikumu



Joined: 16 Aug 2004
Posts: 64
Location: Washington DC
Country: Japan

PostPosted: Mon Sep 13, 2004 7:37 am    Post subject: Reply with quote Back to top

i guess basically i wanted to bring it to attention here on this board. Smile

i also wanted people to know that whenever you guys wanna chat it up, hit me on private message. it can be about whatever. like say, miso ramen. Mr Green
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