Blonde and Blonder

A Redheaded mom walks into her daughter's room, finds a beer bottle and says, "I never knew my daughter drank!"
A Brunette walks into her daughter's room, finds a pack of cigarettes and says, "I never knew my daughter smoked!"

A Blond mom walks into her daughter's room and finds a condom.

She says, "I never knew my daughter had a penis!"

Priceless......

_________________

Haha

Bad Dog, Put Fluffy Back

This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes. A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, 'Did you hear that Fluffy died?' The guy stammers and says, 'Um...no...um...what happened?'. The neighbor replies, 'We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!'

*Sorry to bunny-lovers

An eighteen-year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge. If a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You'll try again!"

Quote:

Bad Dog, Put Fluffy Back

ha..ha...





and that father!!! what was he thinkin'

A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic.

He asks "What for?"

She says "I want to kill my husband."

He says "Sorry, I can't do that."

She then reaches into her handbag and pulls out a photo of her husband in
bed with the pharmacist's wife and hands it to him.

He says, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

LOL

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn�ft seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in this head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: �gMy friend is dead! What can I do?�h The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: �gJust take it easy. I can help. First, let�fs male sure he�fs dead.�h There is a silence, and then a shot is heard. The guy�fs voice comes back on the line: �gOK, now what?�h

Michi wrote:

Blonde and Blonder A Redheaded mom walks into her daughter's room, finds a beer bottle and says, "I never knew my daughter drank!" A Brunette walks into her daughter's room, finds a pack of cigarettes and says, "I never knew my daughter smoked!" A Blond mom walks into her daughter's room and finds a condom. She says, "I never knew my daughter had a penis!"

Dr.: You are pregnant
Blonde: Are you sure it's mine?

Blonde: My boyfriend has really bad dandruff. What should I get for him?
Pharmacist: Here, give him Head & SHoulders.
Blonde: Okay. But . . . how do you give shoulders?

I don't remember if anyone posted this........ but I found it pretty funny....

A women doesn't feel well recently and decides she should go to the doctors for a regular check up. The doctor runs some test on her and after 2 weeks the women goes to back for the doctors appointment. The doctor says "I'm sorry, but I have bad news you, you have contracted a terminal disease". The women breaks into tears and asks the doctor "Is there a cure for it?", "No, sorry I'm afraid not" answered the doctor. The women cries some more, "Well doctor, how long to do I left?", the doctor sadly replies "Ten". In tears the women exclaims "Ten years? Ten months? Ten days???????????????" "nine, eight, seven, six..........." says the doctor.

What happened at the wedding where the bride was already pregnant?
They threw puffed rice.

What happened at the wedding where the bride and groom were both fat?
They threw rice pudding

What happened at the wedding where the bride and groom were both schizophrenic?
They threw wild rice

What happened at the wedding where the bride and groom were both Japanese and not feeling very well?
They threw up rice.

What happened at the wedding where both the bride and groom were hispanic?
They threw rice and beans

What happened at the wedding where the bride and groom were both pastry chefs?
They threw rice cakes

What happened at the wedding where the bride and groom were both rednecks?
They threw rice crackers

What happened at the wedding that took place at a Las Vegas drive-thru chapel?
They threw Minute Rice.

Who were the guests at the wedding where the bride was Israeli and the groom was a Palestinian?
U.N. Peacekeepers

Golgo_13 wrote:

What happened at the wedding where the bride and groom were both rednecks? They threw rice crackers

That one's my favorite. Hands down.

A Polish guy was driving down the motorway, his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife�es voice urgently warning him, "Honey, I just heard on the news that there�es a car going the wrong way on the Freeway you are on. So please watch for it."

"It�es not just one car," said the guy. "It�es hundreds of them!"

At a doctors surgery one morning a patient arrives complaining of serious backache. The doctor examines him and asks him"What the hell did you do to your back?"

The patient replies "You know that I work for a local night club? This morning I got home to my apartment early and heard a noise in my bedroom. On entering I knew someone had been sleeping with my wife and the balcony door was open. I rushed out the balcony door and did not find anyone. As I looked down from the balcony I saw a man running out and he was dressing himself. I grabbed the fridge and threw it at him,That's how I strained my back"


The 2nd patient arrives looking as if he has been in a car wreck.

The doctor says "My previous looked bad, but you look terrible.What the hell happened to you?" He replies, "You know I have been unemployed for a while now .Today was the first day at my new job. I forgot to set my alarm and was running late. I was running out of the building, getting dressed at the same time, and you won't believe it but I was hit by a fridge."

The 3rd patient arrives; he looks even worse than the other two patients do. The doctor is shocked. Again asks, "What the hell happened to you?" "Well I was sitting in a fridge & someone threw it from the 3rd floor!"

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other
stall saying: "Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom
but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just fine!"

And the other guy says: "So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this
is too bizarre so I say: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I
hear another question. "Can I come over?"

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could
just be polite and end the conversation. I tell him, "No........I'm a little busy right now!!!"

Then I hear the guy say nervously...

"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the next
stall who keeps answering all my questions

Dialogue between four friends at the Japanese bar after school:

Adam: You know, guys, as I was coming toward this bar some guy approached me and asked me for money.
Gen: So what did you do?
Yuji: Did you give him anything?
Adam: Hell no, of course not!
Yuji: You're greedy.
(sips his Sapporo)
Yuji: All of you are greedy bastards.
Sergio: So how about you?
Yuji: Not me, man, look. Whenever I see a poor sap, I stick my hand in my pockets...
Sergio: ...and you don't take them out until the danger has past... right?

This joke is a sterotype and may offend some people..but a its a joke, you should laugh. Don't kill me ok

How can you kill 1,000 mexicans?








Bomb the flea market.

IkematsuSosuke wrote:

This joke is a sterotype and may offend some people..but a its a joke, you should laugh. Don't kill me ok How can you kill 1,000 mexicans? Bomb the flea market.

Oy, not funny man.

Here's one:

A man walks into a church confessional and says to the priest, "Bless me, father, for I have sinned. I was with seven different women last night."

The priest is silent for a moment then says, "Go home and cut seven lemons in half. Squeeze the juice into a glass and drink it down in one gulp."

"And I'll be forgiven?" asks the man.

"No," replies the priest, "but it will wipe that f*cking smirk off your face."

i just watched Pulp Fiction last night and I came acroos this joke which was thrown by one of the characters. I know it's corny but what the hell it's a classic pulp fiction jokes. here goes:

a tomato family was walking in a street. the fathe tomato was in front, the mother was next and the child was lagging behind. the father approached the child and squashed her saying ketchup(catch-up).

I have a couple really funny jokes...or at least, I thought they were funny when I heard them... it probably wouldn't sound as funny here...

1. A man walks into a bar...........OUCH!!!! hehe...

2. This is a blond joke. I hope no one will be offended.
Two blond girls drive to Disney World. As they are approaching, they see a road sign which says "Disney World Left". The two girls, sad and disappointed, turned their car around and drove home.
(of course, it meant"Disney World, turn left).

3. A man has been lost in the desert for a very long time. He has no water, no food, so he knows he is going to die soon. He plees with god to grant him 3 wishes. The god, seeing that this was a good man, decided to grant him his wishes. So, he asks the man what wishes he would like.
The man says that he is very thirsty. So, for his first wish, he wants to be able to drink a lot of water. Two, this man is black. He wishes, for his second wish, that he could be a different colour. and third, the man is a shy kind of guy. He doesn't approach women at all. His third wish, is that women will come to him and strip for him.... god grants the man his 3 wishes and turns the man into a toilet!! puhahhaha