Jokes/Humor Thread

[Michi]

[Michi]

WHILE HAVING A BRAIN CHECK UP
Doctor : I regret to tell you that you have a braintumor.
Mr. Bean : Yesss!!! (jumps in joy)
Doctor : Did you understand what I just told you?
Mr. Bean : Yes of course, do you think I'm dumb?
Doctor : Then why are you so happy?
Mr. Bean : Because that proves that I have a brain!


MR. BEAN WHILE IN GRADE SCHOOL
Teacher : What is 5 plus 4?
Mr. Bean : 9
Teacher : What is 4 plus 5?
Mr. Bean : Are you trying to fool me, you've just twisted the figure,the answer is 6!!

WHILE IN A DRUG STORE
Mr. Bean : I'd like some vitamins for my grandson.
Clerk : Sir, vitamin A, B or C?
Mr. Bean : Any will do, my grandson doesn't know the alphabet >yet!!


QUEUING BEHIND HIS FRIEND AT AN ATM MACHINE
Friend : What are you looking at?
Mr. Bean : I know your PIN no., hee, hee.
Friend : Alright, what is my PIN no. if you saw it?
Mr. Bean : Four asterisks!

PUZZLE
Friend : How many women do you believe must a man marry?
Mr. Bean : 16.
Friend : Why?
Mr. Bean : Because the priest says 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better and 4 worse.

CHATTING WITH HIS FRIEND
Friend : How was the tape you borrowed from me, is it Ok?
Mr. Bean : What do you mean ok, I thought it's a horror film. I didn't see any picture.
Friend : What tape did you took anyway?
Mr. Bean : Head Cleaner.

SHARING SYMPHATY
Mr. Bean : (crying) the doctor called, Mom's dead.
Friend : Condolence, my friend.
(After 2 minutes Mr. Bean cries even louder).
Friend : What now?
Mr. Bean : My sister just called, her mom died too!

MR. BEAN ATTENDING A MEETING
Colleague : Sorry I'm late. I got stuck in an elevator for 4 hrs. Because of a power failure.
Mr. Bean : Thats alright, me too... I got stuck on the escalator for 3hrs.

SPELLING LESSON
Mr. Bean's Son : Dad, what is the spelling of successful... .is it one "c" or two "c"?
Mr. Bean : Make it three "c" to be sure

[Michi]

WHILE HAVING A BRAIN CHECK UP
Doctor : I regret to tell you that you have a braintumor.
Mr. Bean : Yesss!!! (jumps in joy)
Doctor : Did you understand what I just told you?
Mr. Bean : Yes of course, do you think I'm dumb?
Doctor : Then why are you so happy?
Mr. Bean : Because that proves that I have a brain!


MR. BEAN WHILE IN GRADE SCHOOL
Teacher : What is 5 plus 4?
Mr. Bean : 9
Teacher : What is 4 plus 5?
Mr. Bean : Are you trying to fool me, you've just twisted the figure,the answer is 6!!

WHILE IN A DRUG STORE
Mr. Bean : I'd like some vitamins for my grandson.
Clerk : Sir, vitamin A, B or C?
Mr. Bean : Any will do, my grandson doesn't know the alphabet >yet!!


QUEUING BEHIND HIS FRIEND AT AN ATM MACHINE
Friend : What are you looking at?
Mr. Bean : I know your PIN no., hee, hee.
Friend : Alright, what is my PIN no. if you saw it?
Mr. Bean : Four asterisks!

PUZZLE
Friend : How many women do you believe must a man marry?
Mr. Bean : 16.
Friend : Why?
Mr. Bean : Because the priest says 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better and 4 worse.

CHATTING WITH HIS FRIEND
Friend : How was the tape you borrowed from me, is it Ok?
Mr. Bean : What do you mean ok, I thought it's a horror film. I didn't see any picture.
Friend : What tape did you took anyway?
Mr. Bean : Head Cleaner.

SHARING SYMPHATY
Mr. Bean : (crying) the doctor called, Mom's dead.
Friend : Condolence, my friend.
(After 2 minutes Mr. Bean cries even louder).
Friend : What now?
Mr. Bean : My sister just called, her mom died too!

MR. BEAN ATTENDING A MEETING
Colleague : Sorry I'm late. I got stuck in an elevator for 4 hrs. Because of a power failure.
Mr. Bean : Thats alright, me too... I got stuck on the escalator for 3hrs.

SPELLING LESSON
Mr. Bean's Son : Dad, what is the spelling of successful... .is it one "c" or two "c"?
Mr. Bean : Make it three "c" to be sure

[Michi]

[Michi]

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it
out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on
someone you don't know.

It all started one day when I was sitting at my desk and remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying, "Hello."

I politely said, "This is Stephen May I please speak with Robin Carter"?
Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an heart!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'heart' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an heart!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'heart' calling
would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John
Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're
interested in the Caller ID program?" He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an
heart!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some
guy in a black BMW M3 cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently
waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot.
The idiot ignored me and then stuck his middle finger out the window and
waved it around. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so I
wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first ass hole, (I had his
number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW heart, too. I
said, "Is this the man with the black BMW M3 for sale?"

"Yes, it is."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a very modern white house, and
the car's parked right out in front."

"What's your name?" I asked.

"My name is Don Burgemeyer," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes?"

"Don, you're an heart." Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used
to be. So, I came up with an idea.

I called heart #1. "Hello." "You're an heart!" (But I didn't hang up.)

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Burgemeyer."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"heart, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a white house, and to make easy
for you, my black BMW M3 is parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying
your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, heart. Bring your lunch!!"

Then I called heart #2

"Hello?" he said.

"Hello, heart," I said.

"He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are!"

"You'll what?" I said.

"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, heart, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at
1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down on West 34th Street.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street. There I saw two
assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a
police helicopter, and a news crew.

[Michi]

[Michi]

[Michi]

Quick Joke
One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you" the lawyer said. But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree." "Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!" "Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place - the grass is almost a foot high!"

[zchendevlemh]

Michi wrote:

Quick Joke One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass." "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you" the lawyer said. But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree." "Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also." The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!" "Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered. They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place - the grass is almost a foot high!"

nice

[Michi]

Annoying Boy on Bus

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.''
The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.''

The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ''What if your dad was a drunk and your mom was a prostitute?!''

The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!''

[Michi]

LAZY PEOPLE

[Michi]

$500 Porsche

A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his eye: $500 Porsche! New! The man thought that it was very unusual to sell a Porsche for $500, and he thought it might be a joke, but thought it was worth a shot. So he went to the lady's house and sure enough, she had an almost brand new Porsche.
"Wow!" the man said. "Can I take it for a test drive?" Unlike what he expected, the man found that the car ran perfectly and took it back to the lady's house.

"Why are you selling me this great Porsche for only $500?"

"My husband just ran off with his secretary, and he told me I could have the house and the furniture as long as I sold his Porsche and sent him the money."

[Michi]

[Michi]

[Michi]

Adam and Eve were standing opposite to each other when Adam got his first erection. The two watched, astonished, until Adam suddenly exclaimed, �Move aside -- I don't know how far its gonna go.�

---------------------------

Ask The Doctor

A woman pregnant with her first child paid a visit to her obstetrician's office. After the exam, she shyly said, ''My husband wants me to ask you...,'' to which the doctor replies, ''I know, I know,'' placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. ''I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy.''
''No, that's not it,'' the woman confessed. ''He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn.''

-------------------------

Baby Talk

Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"
"No," said his mom, "Of course not."

Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"

-------------------------

Sub-standard School Systems

Mother: Come on, Victor, you have to get out of bed or you'll be late for school.
Victor: Aw, Mom do I have to? All the teachers hate me, and all the students hate me too.
Mother: Yes you do.
Victor: Give me a good reason
Mother: You're 34 and you're the Principal!

--------------------------

3 Men, 3 Wishes

Three men were trekking through the desert and came across a magician. The magician was standing at the top of a slide. The magician than said, ''You may each go down the slide, asking for a drink. When you reach the bottom of the slide you shall land a a huge glass of that drink.
The first man went down yelling, ''Beerrr!!!'' Plop! He landed in a glass of beer.

The second guy went down the slide yelling,''lemonadeee!!!'' Plop! He landed in a glass of lemonade.

The third guy went down the slide yelling ''wheeeeeeeee!!!'''

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A Prayer Before Dying

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

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Archeological Gag

How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
Give him a used tampon and ask him what period it came from.

---------------------------

Be Careful What You Wish For

A man was digging in his garden, when his shovel hit a hard object buried in the earth, which revealed itself to be an old bottle sealed with a cork. The man wrenched the cork free and, to his astonishment, there was a cloud of smoke and a clap of thunder. Standing before him was a genie.
"As a reward for freeing me, I shall grant you three wishes," said the genie, "But understand, whatever you wish for, your most hated enemy shall receive twice over."

The man's most hated enemy happened to be his next door neighbour, Jones. "Let's see. My first wish is..." He looked at his weather beaten bungalow, "...to live in a ten story luxury mansion.' The genie clapped his hands and suddenly his minute shack transformed into the most beautiful house he had ever laid eyes on. He heard a cry of astonishment from next door and looked over to see Jones standing in the doorway of his new twenty story mansion. "Now I want fifty of the most beautiful women imaginable." said the man. There was a puff of smoke and his wish was granted. He was annoyed, however, to see Jones grinning and waving, surrounded by his own harem of 100 women, all twice as attractive.

"What is your final wish, Master?' asked the genie.

"I want to lose a testicle," said the man.

[Michi]

Three women escaped from prison. One was a redhead, one a brunette, and one a blonde. They ran for miles until they came upon an old barn where they decided to hide in the hayloft and rest. When they climbed up, they found three large gunnysacks and decided to climb into them for camouflage.

About an hour later the sheriff and his deputy came into the barn. The sheriff told his deputy to go up and check out the hayloft. When he got up there the sheriff asked him what he saw and the deputy yelled back, "Just three gunnysacks."

The sheriff told him to find out what was in them, so the deputy kicked the first sack, which had the redhead in it. She went, "Bow-wow", so the deputy told the sheriff there was a dog in it.

Then he kicked the sack with the brunette in it. She went, "Meow", so the deputy told the sheriff there was a cat in it.

Then he kicked the one with the blonde in it, and there was no sound at all. So he kicked it again, and finally the blonde said, "Potatoes".

---

LITTLE GIRL IN CHURCH: "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
MOMMY: "White is the color of joy, and today is most joyful day of her life."
LITTLE GIRL: "Then why is the groom wearing black?"

--

There was a blonde that went to the hair salon with headphones. Before the barber started cutting her hair she told him "Make sure not to knock the headphones off my head". So the barber was sure not to. The next time, the blonde said the same thing "Do not knock the headphones off my head". The barber again, did what he was told. The third time she went, she told the barber again "Don't knock the headphones off my head", this time though, the barber accidentally knocked them off. As soon as the headphones fell off, the blonde dropped to the floor unconcious. The barber picked up the headphones and listened, and this is what it said "Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out...."

[Michi]

There were three lunatics who were walking down the road when they came across a huge pile of $h!t.
The first loony put his eye in it and said, �Looks like $h!t.�
The next one put his nose in it and said, �Smells like $h!t.�
The last one put his tongue in it and said, �Tastes like $h!t.�
They all looked at each other and said, �Lucky we didn�t step on it!�

[TANG]

hahahhahahah
my aunt used to use a stick as her remote control when i was a kid
we used to hide it from her , funny stuff. .......funny..................stuff

[Michi]

TANG wrote:

hahahhahahah my aunt used to use a stick as her remote control when i was a kid we used to hide it from her , funny stuff. .......funny..................stuff

i actually thought of doing that last time but couldnt find any long stick....

[TANG]

hahahahahaha
that is mad funny,