A lady walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist, "Do you carry Viagra?"
The man says "Yes we do carry carry Viagra."
"Well does it work?" She asks.
"Oh yeah, it works" he says.
"Well can you get it over the counter?" she asks.
He thinks about it and says, "Yeah, maybe if I take two."

A man was driving down the interstate at 85 miles/hour with his new Porsche. A police officer observes him and begins a high speed pursuit. The man sees the policman in his rear view mirror and thought "Yabai!", so he proceeded to speed up and tried to outrun the cop. They were both zooming down the interstate at 180 miles/hour when the man suddenly came to his senses and thought that to avoid any more complications and problems, he should pull over. And pulled over he did.
When the officer approached the vehicle, he said, "You better have a damn good explaination why you were speeding away! You know that you stand with more against you now because of your speeding away?!"
The guy replied, "The reason why I ran is because, you see, 2 months ago my wife left me and ran off with a cop. When I saw you in my rear view mirror, I thought you were trying to bring her back!"
The officer replied, "Oh, I see. Have a nice day!"

lol

Signs You Won't Beat a Computer at Chess

Your VCR and your alarm clock still have not been set since the last power outage.

Your (U. S.) Civil War chess set has 2 Grants, no Lees, and Stonewall Jackson's a bottle cap.

Every time you enter a move, the computer responds with "Error: unknown command"

You're still trying to understand the rules for Solitaire.

It's hard to rearrange the pieces when your opponent never falls for the old "Look, it's Elvis!" trick.

You're late to the first match because you can't figure out how to set your digital watch.

The chess board pattern makes you dizzy.

When you take a piece, you spike it and do a celebration dance.

Your Apple IIe still beating you at tic-tac-toe.

Let's just say that in the movie version of your life, you'd be played by the same guy that plays "Ernest".

Your idea of "conquering Deep Blue" is flushing away the Tidy Bowl cleaner.

The computer: A highly sophisticated electronic brain from IBM.
You: Barely know how to turn on a computer

Before moving your queen, you insist on consulting your 4th grader.

Computer: lauded by scientists for its ability to calculate millions of chess moves per minute.
You: criticized by your spouse for not being able to balance the checkbook.

In your circle, "castling" means holing-up in your living room with a bag of chips and a weekend worth of videos.

Your "garlic breath" strategy fails to intimidate this particular opponent.

Computer: Intel Inside.
You: Imbecile Inside.

and the Number 1 Sign You Won't Beat a Computer at Chess...

Video tapes of you shouting and cussing at the ATM are legendary among the bank security staff.

lol

lolz....u guys r good in this man....
lolzzz

not a joke but oh well... poor kid.

LOL that's sooo mean michi

cute what

But yeah, poor kid...

Q. How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
A. From a catalogue.

Q: Have you heard about Michael Jackson's New Book?
A: It's called "The In's and Out's of Child Rearing�h.

Q. How do you know Michael Jackson is having a party?
A. There are a bunch of tricycles in front of his house.

Q: What do Michael Jackson and the Detroit Tigers have in common?
A: They both wear one glove for no apparent reason.

Q: Why was Michael Jackson spotted at K-Mart?
A: He heard boys' pants were half-off!

Q. What's the difference between Mr. Potato Head and Michael Jackson?
A. Michael Jackson has had more noses.

Q. What do Michael Jackson and a jockey have in common?
A. They both ride three year olds.

Q. What's the worst stain to try and remove from a little boy's underpants?
A. Michael Jackson's makeup.

Q. What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
A. One is plastic and harmful to children, the other is used to carry groceries.

Q. What does Michael Jackson consider a perfect 10?
A. Two 5 year olds.

Q. Why did Michael Jackson decide to have a boy of his own?
A. Because it's too expensive to rent them at $2 million a pop!

Q: What do Michael Jackson and a Big Mac have in common?
A: They're both 44 year old meat between 10 year old buns!

Q: What's black on the inside, white on the outside, and comes in little cans?
A: Michael Jackson!

Q. What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Richard Pryor?
A. One got burnt doing Pepsi, the other got burnt doing coke.

Q: What was the foundation that Michael Jackson and Richard Pryor started?
A: The Ignited Negro College Fund!

Q: Why did Pepsi fire Michael Jackson?
A: Because he was caught sucking on a Squirt!!

Q. What does Michael Jackson reminisce about?
A. Blowing his first nose.

Q. Who is the greatest person ever?
A. Michael Jackson - he was born a poor black boy in Gary, Indiana and grew up to become a rich white woman in Europe.

Q. What did Elvis say after seeing Michael and Lisa Marie on television?
A. "Boy, that's a relief. I though she married a black guy!"

Q. What did Lisa-Marie Presley say to Michael Jackson when he proposed?
A. "Yes, I'll marry you. But promise me one thing -- no kids!"

Q. What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley?
A. About two dress sizes.

Q. What was Michael Jackson thinking on his wedding night?
A. "Now Lisa-Marie can give me a little boy of my own."

Q. What were Lisa-Marie's newlywed complaints about Michael Jackson?
A1. He leaves the lid off the mascara, causing it to dry out.
A2. That battleaxe Liz Taylor never calls before she comes over.
A3. She suspects he's using her to get to Elvis' bones.
A4. He touches her kids more than he touches her.

Q. Why did Michael Jackson cross the road?
A. He saw someone blowing bubbles and thought he'd join in.

Q. Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men?
A. He thought it was a delivery service.

Q: Why are Michael Jackson's pants so small?
A: Because they aren't his!

Q. How did Michael Jackson get in trouble?
A. He was feeling a little Randy.

Q. Why does Michael Jackson like children so much?
A. He knows how they feel.

Q. What did Michael Jackson say when he got back to Neverland Ranch from drug rehab?
A. You know, I feel like a new boy!

Q. How do we know Michael Jackson is guilty?
A. Several children have fingered him.

Q. Where does Michael Jackson go to find a date?
A. Boys 'R Us.

Q. Why is Michael Jackson so tough?
A. He can lick any kid on the block.

Knock Knock!
Who's There?
Little boy blue!
Little boy blue who?
Michael Jackson!

Michael Jackson was on a ship with 100 cub scouts when it hit an iceberg and started to sink. The captain announced, "We're sinking! Everyone abandon ship!"
Michael Jackson asked, "What about the children?"
The captain replied, "Screw the children!"
Michael Jackson looked around eagerly and said, "Do we have time?"

A little boy goes up to his mother and asks, "Is God a male or a female?"
After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well, God is both a male and a female."
This confuses the little boy, so he asks, "Is God black or white?"
"Well, God is both black and white."
At this, the boy's face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks, "Is Michael Jackson God?"

Michael Jackson asked his wife's doctor how soon after the birth could he have sex. The doctor told him he should wait until the kid is at least 12 or 13 years old.

Did you know they're putting out a Michael Jackson stamp?
People get to vote for the white or black Michael Jackson.

Constipation- funny!~!

http://dietpepsi.20megsfree.com/constipation.swf

How did Lisa Marie find out Michael was cheating on her?

He came home with Kool Aid on his breath


How did Lisa Marie find out Michael was cheating on her again?

He came home with crayon stains on his shirt collar

Subject: SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE...

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan.

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts.

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE PART II (JUST WARMING UP!)

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE, PART III (Just Great Stuff)

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong"

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."

Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

One of the few things I saved from college...
Call me sick, but I get a kick out of this every time I read it...


==================================

I like monkeys.
The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought that odd since they were normally a couple thousand. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth. I bought 200. I like monkeys.

I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed. Then they punched my genitals. I stopped laughing.

I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new environment. They would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour.

Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive: they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta' dropped dead. Kinda' like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Damn cheap monkeys.

I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs.

I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys.

I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for a while, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad.

I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn't want to call the plumber. I was embarrassed.

I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately, there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn't all go bad.

I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire.

Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The odor wasn't improving.

I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use the bathroom. I severely beat one of my monkeys. I felt better.

I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said that the city was not
allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him that I had a wet one. He couldn't take that one either. I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones.

I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My friends didn't know quite what to say. They pretended that they like them, but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the genitals.

I like monkeys.

A drunk as usual arrives late at home and begins to yell:
"Honey, open the door, I'm bringing flowers for the most beautiful woman in the world."
The woman comes down running, opens the door and says:
"So where are the flowers?"
And the guy says:
"So, then, where's the most beautiful woman?"

I have just joined this Jdorama, and i read ur posted jokes, its was funny .Hope u can continue it.

hi pinky
welcome.

glad that you like it

enjoy!~

pinky wrote:

I have just joined this Jdorama, and i read ur posted jokes, its was funny .Hope u can continue it.

yo pinky!
of course we'll continue
we r all hilarious ppl here

dont forget to watch this flash video http://dietpepsi.20megsfree.com/constipation.swf