I have wondered about this and now it is very clear!

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like
this:

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving
more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants
you to give over 100%...

How about achieving 103%?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help
you answer these questions:

What makes up 100% in life?

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is
represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21
22 23 24 25 26,

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K = 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E = 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E = 1+20+20+9+20+21+4 5 = 100%

.......And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T = 21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%


AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.


A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G = 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%



So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty
that:
While, Hard work and Knowledge will get you close,
And, Attitude will get you there,
Bullshit and Ass Kissing will put you over the top.


Unfortunately, this does prove to be true in society nowadays.

Man driving down road.
Woman driving up same road
They pass each other
Woman yells out window, "P I G !"
Man yells out window, " B I T C H "
Man rounds next curve...
Crashes into a huge pig in middle of road.

Thought For The Day: If only men would listen.

In a bar, two guys:

-Gee, that blonde looks so awesome!
-Don't even think about that, man, she's a lesbian!

Nonetheless, the first guy approached her.

-Excuse me, sweetheart, could you lend me a match?
-Sure. Hey, listen. I've noticed you seem interested in me, so I've decided to grant you your wish. (Sexily) Would you like to see the wonderful legs of a woman?
-Well... sure.

She splits her skirt and shows him the most beautiful legs the guy's ever seen...

-Now, would you like to see some fabulous tits?
-Well, yes.

She opens her blouse and lets him see beautiful, rigid, turgent and tight breasts.

-Now, then (seductively!) would you like to smell the juicy cunt of a female in heat?

The guy cannot believe his luck. How come they told him she was a lesbian? He could not contain the erection any longer...

-Yes!

And then the blonde slowly approaches him... and breathes on his nose.

(A couple of) Dr.s' stories........




A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX

2) At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsefully replied the patient.
Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

3) One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart".
Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada

4) I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large
letter on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA

5) During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having
trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes,the man had over fifty patches on his body! Since this incident, the instructions now
include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

6) While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered "Why, not for about twenty years-when my husband was alive."
Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR

7) I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So, how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient
replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil
packet labeled "KY Jelly."
Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

8) And Finally . . . . .. A new, young MD when doing his residency in
OB, was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further
embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?!" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener."

These are from a book called Disorder in the Court. These are things people
actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court
reporters-who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were
actually taking place.
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
==

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
==

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
==

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've
forgotten?
==

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
==

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that
morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
==

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?
==

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
==

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
==

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
==

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
==

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
==

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
==

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
==

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
==

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
==

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an Autopsy.
==

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
somewhere.

Only in America folks:

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille.

First Chirstmas joke of the year.......

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly
gates.

"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess
something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He
flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said. You may pass through the
pearly gates Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He
shook them and said, "They're bells" . Saint Peter said you may
pass through the pearly gates.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and
finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man
with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "They're Carols".

I Bet You Read This Twice

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly.
"In this............
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

On a beautiful deserted island in an uncharted area of the Pacific, the following people are stranded:

* Two Italian men and one Italian woman
* Two French men and one French woman
* Two German men and one German woman
* Two Greek men and one Greek woman
* Two English men and one English woman
* Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman
* Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman
* Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman
* Two Irish men and one Irish woman
* Two American men and one American woman

One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a ménage a trois.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming.

The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy/liquor store/restaurant/laundry, and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their store.

The two Irish men divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets
somewhat foggy after a few liters of coconut whiskey. However, they're satisfied because the English aren't having any fun.

The two American men are contemplating suicide because the American woman will not shut up. She complains relentlessly about her body, the true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do anything they can do, the necessity of emotional fulfillment from men, the
equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, how her relationship with her mother is the root cause of all her problems, and WHY didn't they bring a damn cell phone so they
could call 911 and get them all rescued off this Godforsaken deserted island in the middle of friggin' nowhere so she can get back to
civilization to get her nails done and go shopping...

Southern Humor

How do you know when you're staying in a Kentucky hotel?
When you call the front desk and say "I've got a leak in my sink," and the
person at the front desk says, "Go ahead."

******

An Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40 and says to the driver, "Got any ID?" The driver says, "'Bout what?"

******

An Alabamian came home and found his house on fire. He rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here-muh house is on fahr!"
"OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?"
"Shucks, don't you fellers still have those big red trucks?"

******

Why do folks in Kentucky go to R-rated movies in groups of 18 or more?
Because they heard 17 and under aren't admitted.

******

Know why they raised the minimum drinking age in Tennessee to 32?
They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

******

What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Mississippi?
Documentaries.

******
Where was the toothbrush invented?
Arkansas. If it were invented anywhere else, it would have been called a
teethbrush.

******

A new law was recently passed in North Carolina so that when a couple gets
divorced, they're still brother and sister.

******

What do a divorce in Alabama, a tornado in Kansas and a hurricane in Florida
have in common?
No matter what, somebody's fixin' to lose a trailer.

Picture perfect

Man said to his wife, "I will take a photo of your breasts and frame it."

His wife replied, "I will take a photo of your penis and enlarge it."

Comedian Steven Wright's view on life:

I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen... and replaced by exact duplicates.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. (Think about it some more.)

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

When everything is! coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

Some Rodney Dangerfield Jokes
With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!
I tell ya, I'm in bad shape. I joined a weight-lifting class. They started me with balloons. Very bad shape. I hurt myself playing scrabble.
I tell ya, my wife, we get along good cause we have our own arrangement. I mean, one night a week I go out with the boys and one night a week, she goes out with the boys.
When I was a kid I was poor. I never went to Disneyland. My old man told me Mickey Mouse died in a cancer experiment.
When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my old man, "I'm sick and tired of running around in circles." He got mad. He nailed down my other foot.
I'm a bad drinker. I got loaded one night the next day they picked me up. I was in front of a judge. He said, "You're here for drinking." I said, "O.K., Your Honor, let's get started."
I tell ya she was old. When she was born the dead sea wasn't even sick.
One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.
Doctors say when you have sex you lose 150 calories. I had sex once. I lost even more: 150 calories, my watch and my wallet.
With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night.
I don't get no respect. My bank told me they'll give me a free gift if I close my account.
Last week I told my wife, "If you would learn to cook, I could fire the chef." She said, "If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer."
With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.
What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all.
I tell you, with my doctor, I don't get no respect. Well, I told him I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
I don't get no respect at all from my dog. Well, he keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.
The other night I went into a gay bar. It was ridiculous. There were fifteen guys for every guy.
I tell ya my television set is all screwed up, all screwed up completely. The other night I was watching a fight. And a hockey game broke out.
I tell ya, life is tough. For years I was getting a ringing in my ears. It's getting worse. Now I'm getting busy signals.
I tell ya, I get no respect at all. I was drowning. I was yelling, "Help, help!" The lifeguard came over. He said, "All right, buddy, keep it down, keep it down."
I found a new way to handle birth control. My wife takes off her makeup.
With my wife I don't get no respect at all. I told her when I die I want to be cremated. She's planning a barbeque.
I don't get no respect, are you kiddin'? The time I got hurt. On the way to the hospital, the ambulance stopped for gas.
I tell ya, it's tough to save a buck. Money just disappears. Right now I'm supporting two fighters, my wife and her mother.
I tell ya, I got no sex life. When my dog watches me in the bedroom, he wants to learn how to beg. He taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.
I tell ya, my dog is lazy. He don't chase cars. He sits on the curb and takes down license plate numbers.
I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.
I tell ya, my dog is dumb. It took me three years, I taught him how to sit. He forgot how to stand. I mean dumb. He walks backwards and wags his head.

Ask any man if this is true.
One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river,
his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and
asked, "Why are you crying?"

The woodcutter replied that his axe had fallen into water, and he needed
the axe to make his living. The Lord went down into the water and
reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your
axe?" the Lord asked.

Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?"
the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to
keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the
riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord
again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez. "Is this
your wife?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the woodcutter.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a
misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You would
have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said 'no' to her,
you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have
given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of
all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to Jennifer Lopez."

The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and
honorable reason, and for the benefit of others. That's our story, and
we're sticking to it!

What does a Polish Lesbian like?
Men

How much money does an Irishman spend on alcohol?
A staggering amount

A black guy and a Mexican guy are in a car. Who's driving?
The cop.

Why do Jewish men circumcize?
Because Jewish women love anything at 10% off.

What do you call an Eskimo lesbian?
A Klondike

Why was the American Indian able to get a table so fast at the restaurant?
He had a Reservation.

What does a Japanese mugger say?
"Give me all your money or I'll kill myself!"

Why do Italians hate Jehovah's Witnesses?
They hate all witnesses

Why was the Greek guy so unhaooy when he came to America?
He left his brother's behind

How can you tell an Air France airplane?
Hair under the wings.

Where do Rednecks go to meet women?
Family reunions

What's another use for dental floss for Orientals?
Blindfold

Why did so many black soldiers die in Vietnam?
When the sergeant yelled out "Get down!" they all started dancing.

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through
stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

1. On Sears hair dryer: "Do not use while sleeping."

2. On a bag of Fritos: "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside."

3. On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap."

4. On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestions: Defrost."

5. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box): "Do not turn upside down."

6. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating."

7. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body."

8. On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."

9. On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness."

10. On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only."

11. On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use."

12. On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: Contains nuts."

13. On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."

14. On a child's Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."

15. On a Swedish chain saw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."

16. On a bottle of Palmolive Dishwashing liquid: "Do not use on food."

17. On a tube of Crest Toothpaste: "If swallowed contact poison control."

18. On a bottle of ALL laundry detergent: "Remove clothing before distributing in washing machine."

The USA is doomed. The rest of the world is deteriorating more slowly.

The companies need such disclaimers to PROTECT THEMSELVES FROM FRIVOLOUS LAWSUITS! People sue for every little thing imaginable in the U.S.

BTW, lawyers in Japan are addressed as "Sensei." Proof that the profession is still respected, unlike in the U.S.

See my lawyer jokes in the next post.

Lawyer Jokes

What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?
There are some things a prostitute won't do for money.

How did the lawyer break his nose?
The ambulance made a sudden stop.

Why don't snakes bite lawyers?
Professional courtesy

Why doesn't God have any legal representation?
There are no lawyers in heaven.

Better not pull her over

A woman is driving her car when she is pulled over by a a cop.
He says to her: "Ma'am, may i see your licence please? you were speeding".
The woman answers: "Oh no, officer, I don't have a licence, they took it after the 4th time i was caught driving drunk.".

The officer replies: "That is serious. Give me the car's registration forms, please".

The woman answers: "Oh, this is not my car. I stole it from my boss after i killed him. His body is in the trunk, by the way".

The cop is amazed and immidietly calls for backup while slowly moving away from the car, his hand on his gun.

When backup comes, the chief of the police approaches the woman with his gun pointed at her and orders her to get out of the vehicle.

The woman walks out, as ordered. Then the cheif says: "Ma'am, the officer said you reported a dead body in your trunk. please open it".

The woman acts amazed and when she opens the trunk, there is nothing there.

The surprised cheif says: "Can i also see your driving-licence?".

The woman opens her wallet and hands her licence to him.

The chief says: "Well, i'm soory ma'am, i don't know what to say. The officer over there told me you had a dead body in your trunk and that you didn't have a licence".

The woman smiles and says: "bet you that bastard also told you i was speeding, didn't he?"...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Using banana-skin

A man comes to the doctor and says: "Doc, no matter what i do in bed i can't satisfy my wife".
So the doctor sends him to the old train-station, where he is to find a very well-built guy that can help him.

And so, the man goes there, finds the big guy and asks him for help.
The guy says: "No problem, sir. You see this banana-skin? Invite me to your house while you are having sex, and i will wave it at you and your wife during the whole time. I promise you that she will reach satisfaction in no time".

So, they head off to the man's house. When the woman opens the door, he asks her to go to bed, cause they are going to have some great sex. And so they begin, and the big man is waving the banana-skin. After 30 minutes, still the wife doesn't reach satisfaction.

"Give it to me, i will wave and you will have the sex", says the man angrily.

Ans so, he starts waving, and the big guy is having sex with the wife. After exactly two mintues, she reaches her peack.

"You see, you Idiot", says the man to the big-guy with rage, "this is how you are supposed to wave a banana!".

Customer: "Your sound card is defective and I want a new one."
Tech Support: "What seems to be the problem?"
Customer: "The balance is backwards. The left channel is coming out of the right speaker and the right channel is coming out the left.
It's defective!"
Tech Support: "You can solve the problem by moving the left speaker to the right side of the machine and vice versa."
Customer: (sputter) (click)
Tech Support: (snicker)

****************

I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn't solve. She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow. For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine.

Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow. I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my co-workers for help; they offered no new ideas.

After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly,

"Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this "yellow" construction paper?"

*******************

A man attempting to set up his new printer called the printer's tech support number, complaining about the error message: "Can't find the printer."

On the phone, the man said he even held the printer up in front of the screen, but the computer still couldn't find it! (YEE-HAW!)

*****************

Customer: "Hello? I'm trying to dial in. I installed the software okay, and it dialed fine. I could hear that. Then I could hear the two computers connecting. But then the sound all stopped, so I picked up the phone to see if they were still connected, and I got the message, 'No Carrier,' on my screen. What's wrong?"

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An unfailingly polite lady called to ask for help with a Windows installation that had gone terribly wrong.

Customer: "I brought my Windows disks from work to install them on my
home computer." (Training stresses that we are "not the Soft-ware Police," so I let the little act of piracy slide.)
Tech Support: "Umm-hmm. What happened?"
Customer: "As I put each disk in it turns out they weren't initialized."

Tech Support: "Do you remember the message exactly, ma'am?"
Customer:(proudly) "I wrote it down. 'This is not a Macintosh disk. Would you like to initialize it'?"
Tech Support: "Er, what happened next?"
Customer: "After they were initialized all the disks appeared to be blank. And now I brought them back to work, and I can't read them in the A: drive; the PC wants to format them. And this is our only set of Windows disks for the whole office. Did I do something wrong?"

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For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing away from each other.

A few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards. She came back and started typing and immediately got a distressed look on her face.

She called the teacher over and explained that no matter what she typed, nothing would happen. The teacher tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my monitor and quaking red-faced.

I started to type, "Leave me alone!"

They both jumped back, silenced. "What the . . . " the teacher said.
I typed, "I said leave me alone!"

The kid got real upset. "I didn't do anything to it, I swear!"
It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. The conversation between them and HAL 2000 went on for an amazing five minutes.

Me: "Don't touch me!"

Her: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hit your keys that hard."

Me: "Who do you think you are anyway?!" Etc. Finally, I couldn't contain myself any longer and fell out of my chair laughing.

After they had realized what I had done, they both turned beet red. Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class.

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I have a friend who just bought a computer and was instructed to load a program by typing "A:" and then the name of the program. My friend told me it would not work because his keyboard was no good. He said he couldn't type the "dot over dot thingie" and that every time he tried to type the "dot over dot thingie" he kept getting the "dot over comma thingie" no matter how careful he was to press only on the very top of
the key.
When I taught him about the shift key, he thought I was a genius.

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This guy calls in to complain that he gets an "Access Denied" message every time he logs in. It turned out he was typing his user name and password in capital letters.
Tech Support: "OK, let's try once more, but use lower case letters." Customer: "Uh, I only have capital letters on my keyboard."

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Email from a friend: "CanYouFixTheSpaceBarOnMyKeyboard?"

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My friend was on duty in the main lab on a quiet afternoon. He noticed a young woman sitting in front of one of the workstations with her arms crossed across her chest and staring at the screen. After about 15 minutes he noticed that she was still in the same position only now she was impatiently tapping her foot. He asked if she needed help and she replied, "It's about time! I pushed the F1 button over twenty minutes ago!"