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Michi
Joined: 10 Dec 2001 Posts: 3308 Location: cloud 9 Country: |
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Michi
Joined: 10 Dec 2001 Posts: 3308 Location: cloud 9 Country: |
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Michi
Joined: 10 Dec 2001 Posts: 3308 Location: cloud 9 Country: |
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Doramafan113
Joined: 10 Jan 2004 Posts: 630 Location: In front of tv watching Drama's.
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Posted: Thu Oct 28, 2004 10:35 pm Post subject: |
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zchendevlemh
Joined: 28 Nov 2002 Posts: 3286 Location: Ten Carat 5-19-1 Hiroo, Shibuya-ku, Tokyo 150-0012, Japan Country: |
Posted: Tue Nov 02, 2004 10:10 am Post subject: |
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some corporate jokes
Corporate Lesson 1
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel that you have on." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies. "Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the 800 dollars he owes me?"
Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk in time with your stakeholders, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Corporate Lesson 2
A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road; he stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealth fully slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg. Farther on while changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember psalm 129?" Once again the priest Apologized, "Sorry, Sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek, farther up, you will find glory."
Moral of the story: Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity!
Corporate Lesson 3
Usually the staff of the company play football. The middle level managers are more interested in Tennis. The top management usually has a preference for Golf.
Finding: As you go up the corporate ladder, the balls reduce in size.
Corporate Lesson 4
A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one." "Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone. In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply
of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of story: Always let your boss have the first say.
Corporate Lesson 5
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Management Lesson? To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Corporate Lesson 6
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull, "They're packed with nutrients."?The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.? Finally, after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of
the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Management Lesson? Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
Corporate Lesson 7
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.? Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Management Lesson?
1.. Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
2.. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3.. And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
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Dabbies
Joined: 12 Oct 2004 Posts: 854 Location: Singapore Country: |
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chrisyukiefan
Joined: 29 Oct 2004 Posts: 1618 Location: Manila, Mandaluyong city Country: |
Posted: Tue Nov 16, 2004 12:32 pm Post subject: |
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One day, while Sue was cleaning under the bed, she found a small box. Curious, she opened it and found 3 eggs and 10,000 dollars. A little bit suspicious, she confronted her husband of twenty years about it.
"Oh, that," Frank said. "Every time I cheated on you, I put an egg in this box." Sue was a bit unhappy about this, but figured that 3 affairs over twenty years wasn't so bad.
"But what about the 10,000 dollars?"
"Every time I got a dozen, I sold them." _________________
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Dabbies
Joined: 12 Oct 2004 Posts: 854 Location: Singapore Country: |
Posted: Wed Nov 17, 2004 3:38 pm Post subject: |
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chrisyukiefan wrote: | One day, while Sue was cleaning under the bed, she found a small box. Curious, she opened it and found 3 eggs and 10,000 dollars. A little bit suspicious, she confronted her husband of twenty years about it.
"Oh, that," Frank said. "Every time I cheated on you, I put an egg in this box." Sue was a bit unhappy about this, but figured that 3 affairs over twenty years wasn't so bad.
"But what about the 10,000 dollars?"
"Every time I got a dozen, I sold them." |
haha.... that was funny....!!
tata...(",)
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Michi
Joined: 10 Dec 2001 Posts: 3308 Location: cloud 9 Country: |
Posted: Wed Nov 17, 2004 5:08 pm Post subject: |
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Dabbies wrote: | hahah... i have a few silly, lame jokes here...:
1) what does Sushi A say to Sushi B?
2) what type of shampoo does Catholics, Christians & Jesus use respectively??
try guessing all the answer.... of coz the answer would be a lame one... so let your imaginary run WILD!!!
tata...(",) |
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chrisyukiefan
Joined: 29 Oct 2004 Posts: 1618 Location: Manila, Mandaluyong city Country: |
Posted: Wed Nov 17, 2004 9:38 pm Post subject: |
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chrisyukiefan
Joined: 29 Oct 2004 Posts: 1618 Location: Manila, Mandaluyong city Country: |
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Doramafan113
Joined: 10 Jan 2004 Posts: 630 Location: In front of tv watching Drama's.
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Posted: Wed Nov 17, 2004 11:28 pm Post subject: |
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Smiley_18
Joined: 01 Oct 2003 Posts: 340
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Posted: Wed Nov 17, 2004 11:57 pm Post subject: |
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chrisyukiefan wrote: | I' ll post some new Jokes... everyday |
Thanks! That's very nice of you.
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Dabbies
Joined: 12 Oct 2004 Posts: 854 Location: Singapore Country: |
Posted: Thu Nov 18, 2004 10:41 am Post subject: |
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Michi wrote: |
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haha ... i haven't even answer the question than all of start feeling lame... hahah.... but it is quite lame actually.... haha... so gotta the answer ?
tata...(",)
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chrisyukiefan
Joined: 29 Oct 2004 Posts: 1618 Location: Manila, Mandaluyong city Country: |
Posted: Thu Nov 18, 2004 12:28 pm Post subject: Hope U Enjoy it... |
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I Think Santa Claus Is A Woman...
I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!
For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they - with amazing calm - call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree.
Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.
Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.
Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions. Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.
Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
- Men can't pack a bag.
- Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
- Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be seen with all those elves.
- Men don't answer their mail.
- Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
- Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
- Having to do the "Ho Ho Ho" thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.
- Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.
I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men......... - Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy. - Cupid flies around carrying weapons. - Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers.
Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance. As long as we have each other, good will, peace on earth, faith and Nat King Cole's version of "The Christmas Song," it probably makes little difference what gender Santa is.
I just wish she'd quit dressing like a guy!!!
_________________
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chrisyukiefan
Joined: 29 Oct 2004 Posts: 1618 Location: Manila, Mandaluyong city Country: |
Posted: Thu Nov 18, 2004 12:31 pm Post subject: Here's some more |
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Valentine's Day Card Shopping
A woman went to the mall to buy Valentine's Day cards for her son and father.
The 50 feet of displays for hundreds of cards astounded her.
She muttered out loud, "I wonder if they have anything for ex-husbands."
The clerk behind the counter said, "Oh, yes m'am, they do, but they're in Sporting Goods."
"Really?" exclaimed the woman.
"Yes m'am. They're called darts."
Don't Leave 'Em Hanging
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Ralph out.
When the Head Nurse became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph, the patient you saved, hung himself right after you saved him with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?" _________________
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