Jokes/Humor Thread

[Michi]

[Michi]

Attending a convention, 3 psychiatrists take a walk. "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears," one says, "but we have no one to go to with our problems. Since we're all professionals, why don't we hear each other out right-now?"

They agree that this is a good idea. The first psychiartrist confesses, "I'm a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I overbill patients as often as I can."

The second admits, "I have a drug problem that's out of control, and I frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me."

The third psychiatrist says, "I know it's wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't keep a secret."

[Michi]

A man goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having a nightmare - the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK? The son replies he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died. The father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed. The next day, Auntie Susie dies.

One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that granddaddy had died. The father assures the son that granddaddy is fine and sends him to bed. The next day, granddaddy dies.

One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that daddy had died. The father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to bed. The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified.

The next day, the man is scared for his life- he is sure is going to die. After dressing he drives very cautiously to work fearful of a collision. He doesn't eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning. He avoids everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed. He jumps at every noise, starts at every movement and hides under his desk.

Upon walking in his front door at the end of the day, he finds his wife. "Good God, Dear," he proclaims, "I've just had the worst day of my entire life!" She responds, "You think your day was bad, the milkman dropped dead on the doorstep this morning."

[Smiley_18]

haha! Hm... I wonder who the daddy was???

[Akakage]

Don't know whether you guys have heard this one..

"10 QUESTIONS"

Johnny, what is your problem?"

Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first Grade.
My sister is in third grade and I'm smarter than she
is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"


Ms. Brooks had had enough, so she took Johnny to the principal's
office. The principal agreed that he would give the boy a test and if >he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the
first-grade and behave.


>He started by asking Johnny some simple arithmetic.
>"What is three times three?"

"Nine, Sir."

"How much is nine times six?"

"Fifty-four."
>
And so it went with every question the principal
thought a third-grade should know. The principal
looked at Ms. Brooks and said, "I think Johnny can go
to third grade! He seems smart enough."
>

Ms. Brooks said to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The
principal and Johnny both agreed.



Ms. Brooks asked, "What does a cow have four of that I
have only two of?"

>Johnny, after a moment, answered "Legs, Ma'am"

"What is in your pants that you have but I do not
have?"

"Pockets!"

"OK, what does a dog do that a man steps into?"

"Pants."

"What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy,
oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?"


"Coconut."

"What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and
sticky?"


The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he
could stop the answer, Johnny was taking charge.

"Bubblegum!"
>
"What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting
down and a dog does on three legs?"

"Shake hands, Ma'am."
>
"Now for some 'Who am I' sort of questions, OK? First
one. You stick your pole inside me, you tie me down to
get me up, and I get wet before you do."
>
Johnny, quick as ever, answered, "Tent!"

"OK, a finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when
you're bored. The best man always has me first."

The Principal was looking restless and a bit tense.
But Johnny was on the ball with "Wedding Ring!"


"I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When
you blow me, you feel good."

"Nose."

"Right, I have a stiff shaft, my tip penetrates, and I
come with a quiver."

"Arrow."


"Good, now for the last one. What word starts with an
'F', ends in K', and means a lot of heat and
excitement?"

"Firetruck, Ma'am!"

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to
the teacher, "Send him to university, I got the last
ten questions wrong myself!"


Okay guys, lets be honest, most of you will probably
answered it differently too !!

[Golgo_13]

Science Jokes

Did you hear about the restaurant NASA is starting on the Moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

So two atoms bumped into each other the other day. "I think I've lost an electron!" says one.
"Are you sure?" replies the other. "I'm positive!"

A lawyer, an accountant and a physicist are discussing, over a beer, whether life is better with a wife or with a girlfriend. "A wife is better," declares the lawyer, "because of the family support and the help she'll be to your career." "Nonsense," says the accountant. "A girlfriend is better:
you can keep your independence and go out with your friends more." They turn to the physicist, who says, "It's better to have both. That way, the wife thinks you're with the girlfriend, the girlfriend thinks you're with the wife, and meanwhile you can be down at the lab."

[ahochaude]

A man escapes from prison where he had been kept for 15 years... As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it, looking for money and guns,but instead, finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up and goes to the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner. Look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years." "I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you...just give him satisfaction." "This guy must be dangerous. If he gets angry he'll kill us. Be strong honey, I love you." To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck, he was whispering in my ear..." "He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong honey....I love you too."

[Michi]

muahahahha..

[Golgo_13]

Ahodenai Oniichan,

LMFAO! How do you remember American jokes while living in Japan?


Southwest Airlines

A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to
Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his
mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats,
why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the
stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby
dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The
boy admitted that this was the case.
"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because
Southwest always pulls out on time. Your mother can explain it to you."

[Michi]

"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because
Southwest always pulls out on time. Your mother can explain it to you."

sorry Golgo.. i dont really get that?? can u explain.. sorry. im so slow

[UWFShooter]

Michi wrote:

"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Your mother can explain it to you." sorry Golgo.. i dont really get that?? can u explain.. sorry. im so slow

"Always pulls out on time" means the guy gets out before he can make the girl pregnant. Draw your own conclusions about how you do this...

[ahochaude]

Golgo_13 wrote:

Ahodenai Oniichan, LMFAO! How do you remember American jokes while living in Japan?

The good ones never seem to fade from memory!

[Golgo_13]

The Male Mind

Once upon a time, there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head.

She looked around nervously, but it was all empty and quiet. "Hello?" she cried...
but no answer. "Is there anyone here?"

She cried a little louder, but still no answer....

Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled: "HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"

Then she heard a voice from far, far away ...

"Hello - we're all down here...."

[kook05]

Golgo_13 wrote:

The Male Mind Once upon a time, there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously, but it was all empty and quiet. "Hello?" she cried... but no answer. "Is there anyone here?" She cried a little louder, but still no answer.... Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled: "HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?" Then she heard a voice from far, far away ... "Hello - we're all down here...."

LOL!!!!

[kook05]

Michi wrote:

"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time."

there's a term for it rite? Coitus Interruptus....

[Hoshi]

kook05 wrote:

there's a term for it rite? Coitus Interruptus....

Oh yeah...that's the term for it...

[Golgo_13]

What's the plural of "coitus interruptus"?

[niko2x]

Golgo_13 wrote:

What's the plural of "coitus interruptus"?

coitus interruptipii.
_________________

Here's my Facebook page:
http://www.facebook.com/home.php?ref=logo#/kwan1?ref=profile

[Golgo_13]

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.

The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As all men will.) Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00, on one condition." (There are always conditions.)
Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." (Controlling, huh?)

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and
slowly and meaningfully said,..."Clean my house."

[Smiley_18]

One day, a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair.

The little girl looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then asked, "Momma, how come all of grandma's hairs are white?"

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A 4-year-old boy who was asked to return thanks before Thanksgiving dinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation. He began his prayer, thanking the Lord for all his friends, naming them one by one. Then he thanked the Lord for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles.

Then he began to thank the Lord for the food. He gave thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the cranberry sauce, the pies, the cakes, even the Cool Whip. Then he paused, and everyone waited -- and waited.

After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked, "If I thank the Lord for the broccoli, won't he know that I'm lying?"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A little girl and a little boy were at daycare.

The girl approached the boy and said, "Hey, Stevie, wanna play house?"

He said, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"

The girl replied, "I want you to communicate."

He said to her, "That word is too big. I have no idea what it means."

The little girl smirked and said, "Perfect. You can be the husband."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------A little girl and her mother were out and about.

Out of the blue, the girl asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?"

The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older."

The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"

Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up."

The girl, still wanting to know about her mother, then fired off another question, "Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."

The little girl, frustrated, sulked until she was dropped off at a friend's house to play. She consulted with her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation.

The girlfriend said, "All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother's driver's license. It's just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything."

Later, the little girl and her mother were out and about again.

The little girl started off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I know how old you are. You're 32 years old."

The mother was very shocked. She asked, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?"

The little girl shrugged and said, "I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds."

"Where did you learn that?"

The little girl said, "I just know. And I know why you and Daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex."