Jokes/Humor Thread

[Hoshi]

Is this posted before?

This is called SPEED:

[lovelessemotion]

Hoshi wrote:

Is this posted before? This is called SPEED:

poor guy! after the shorts come off can u imagine how MUCH his "sensitive" area must've hurt!?

UWFShooter wrote:

"Always pulls out on time" means the guy gets out before he can make the girl pregnant. Draw your own conclusions about how you do this...

offtopic: u know that's not a very good method of contraception..its only like 60% effective.... I PERSONALY WOULDN'T risk it

[UWFShooter]

A tax collector had gone to the house of a deadbeat to collect his debt to the state.

Taxman: I'm so sure this jackass is at home. I'll collect all today at any cost.

He rings the bell, but suddenly...

BANG! BANG! BANG! The collector runs for his life and hides behind a tree... Then he sees the owner come out with a gun.

Taxman: What happened? Have you gone mad?

Deadbeat: Oh, that was you? Sorry...

I thought it was possibly some joker who rings the bell and then runs away!

[kook05]

[Michi]

puahahhahahhaha

[Michi]

[Michi]

[smallangel1]

ohh man... did they use shapie?? permanent markers?

[Michi]

lol
it could be permanent marker

[Michi]

[Michi]

[UWFShooter]

Two guys (let's call them simply Will and Jack) were taking a long flight from Tokyo to New York and the length of it got them bored.
"Man, let's have sex before we go to sleep."
"Are you crazy? They're going to hear us!"
"Then make sure everyone's asleep. Lift your head and ask for anything and if no one answers, they will be all asleep."

Jack lifted his head, peering over the seat, and asked:
"Somebody got a light?"
Nobody answered.
"OK, the coast is clear!" he whispered, to which Will grabbed him and they began doing their thing.

A moment later, a flight attendant walking around saw an old man shivering in his seat.
"Sir, would you like a blanket?"
"Yes, please!"
"Sir, why didn't you ask for it?"
"Because someone just asked for a light and the next thing you know they fucked him on the ass!"

[UWFShooter]

REDNECK STATE DRIVING TEST, Form No. 1001, 04/01/2003

1. What's the gas pedal for?
a) Braking.
b) Stepping on it.
c) No.

2. You're driving a commercial vehicle over 3500 Kg of authorized maximum weight, on a conventional unpaved but passable highway, of less than 1.5 m of width, on adverse weather conditions. When you approach an intersection of 8 roads with neither traffic lights nor road signs between dawn and dusk, what do you do?
a) I stop the car, get out and begin to cry.
b) I say "ikuze!", abandon the road I'm traveling on and jump the curb, mowing down whatever pedestrian dares get in my way.
c) Yes.

3. Using an special vehicle of large dimensions on a two-way road with non-continuous pavement markings, another car wants to pass you using the left. What would you do?
a) Go to the side and let them pass with either my light or my arm. When they do, I cut them off and drive them into the car coming ahead in the opposite direction.
b) Act like the scene of Terminator II when the T-1000 was driving the truck to crush John Connor in his motorcycle.
c) Kindly request them to stop the car and come out. When they do, I open their head with a monkey wrench.

4. Going down a hill inside a town your brakes fail due to excess speed. What do you do?
a) Make a will.
b) Since I'm going to die, I mow down the maximum number of pedestrians possible.
c) Enjoy the situation and pull people's hair through the window.

5. You're driving a car on a state route. A Flintstone-style log car driven by Elvis Presley and Bob Marley passes you, chased by a UFO of about 4500 kilos, going at 458 km/h. What do you do?
a) Call Mulder & Scully.
b) Throw the crack out the window and clear my nose.
c) Step on it, Mario Andretti doesn't let even God pass him.

6. What does this signal mean?
a) Which one?
b) What?
c) Which one, damn it?!

7. What's the secure distance you should use following a vehicle if you're driving on a 3-lane interstate at 75 km/h?
a) Like this, so-so.
b) I just pass him and forget about the damn security distance.
c) I repeatedly hit him from behind until I run them off the road and into a cliff, for putting me in such a tacky situation.

8. Can you smoke while driving, or should you stop?
a) I don't smoke
b) Excuse me, now that you mention it: can we smoke on the test?
c) I don't smoke, either

9. What type of pets can you transport in a non-special vehicle without previous authorization?
a) My mother in law.
b) The fleas in the seats and the roaches on the mats.
c) I'm reporting you to Greenpeace!

10. If during a large trip you're driving a car and you begin to suffer strong headaches, what should you do?
a) Shoot myself and cash the insurance.
b) Shoot my passenger and cash the insurance.
c) Snort another line.

11. Driving in town you approach a crosswalk with people intending to cross through it. What do you do?
a) Stop the car until they begin to cross. When they do, I close my eyes and step hard on the gas while whistling my favorite song.
b) Same as above but without closing my eyes.
c) Jump the curb, hit everyone and finish off by crashing into the window of a tailor's shop.

12. Driving on a 1st-quality mountain road, you find adverse weather conditions: it's night, the road is icy and there's a strong fog through which you cannot see. What would be the safest behavior?
a) Making some pigtails on the hair, put on sunglasses and keep on driving while singing a Stevie Wonder song and looking at the vehicle's ceiling.
b) Stopping at the nearest rest stop, drinking 1/2 bottle of cider and keep on driving.
c) Immediately stopping the vehicle in the middle of the road and turning off all the lights. Then wait for the imminent collision of another vehicle(s) and cash insurance for a lesion from cervical cord damage.

13. Driving on a highway's left lane you notice a person doing auto-stop (hitchhiking). How would you act?
a) If he/she is good looking, I stop and say "jump in honey".
b) When I pass, I sweep them with a steel bar.
c) Looking like a psycho I accelerate and hit them. Then I reverse and repeat the process several times.

14. How many different lights are necessary for a special vehicle?
a) Seven.
b) More or less.
c) Your old man.

15. What does this signal mean?
a) Again with the crock?
b) Same thing as above: no idea.
c) Which one, damn it??!!

16. Do special emergency vehicles (i. e. police, firemen and ambulances) have preference when they have the horns on?
a) Now they do, now they don't
b) Of course, man, it doesn't hurt
c) You mean those lights that yell pi-pi-pi?

17. Is it always necessary to carry an extra heel?
a) Well, I don't know!
b) Yes... no... uh.... I don't know either.
c) You mean wheel, not heel.

18. Driving along a county highway a traffic officer forces you to stop for excess speed, and orders you to give him the vehicle documentation. What do you give him/her?
a) I give him/her a $100 bill in a discrete little envelope.
b) I make believe I'm from Quebec and I don't understand English.
c) I step on the gas and get out of there as fast as I can.

19. What does this signal mean?
a) Your father, your *@#&$# mother and all your *!&#&)*$# relatives.
b) You're pissing me off!
c) I don't know, I don't know, ... I swear I don't know. But please don't ask me that again!

20. Driving at night, you notice yourself getting sleepy, what do you do?
a) Close my eyes and doze off a little, hoping the highway coincides with the steers I give.
b) Wait until I reach the nearest motel with neon signs and red lights. I stop there to spend the night and part of the next day.
c) Shoot 5 lines to clear my head and keep on driving.

21. In a tunnel whose length is not above 50 meters, what lights should you turn on?
a) All.
b) None.
c) Both answers are correct.

22. What's the maximum cubic volume a motorcycle must have to be driven using a B-1 type license?
a) 2 full buckets
b) Pi. That is, 3.14159238374672638347....
c) No.

23. On your vehicle you have a rearview mirror to your left as well as one inside on the center. Is it necessary for you to get one on the right?
a) Yes, if I cannot see through that eye.
b) No, the additional one my wife's got on the parasol's enough.
c) Yes, but I don't know why.

24. Would you consider it safe driving under the influence of alcohol.
a) Yes.
b) I think so, too.
c) Yes, at any case.

25. Entering a major city, you notice yellow signals on the pavement painted as to resemble a squared pattern. What do they mean?
a) The city is holding some absurd chess tournament.
b) Could you repeat the question?
c) Are you going to tell me?

26. How should you react to a traffic light in yellow?
a) Last one is an ass!
b) I don't have a political opinion.
c) If the traffic light is yellow, I ignore it. If it's green, I ignore it, and if it's in red, I also ignore it.

27. In what cases must you cede passing on the left?
a) Only when I can predict the bastard on the left will not kill me if I don't do it.
b) You mean the left on my watch?
c) Supposing no one else's coming, I don't care about the question.

28. Can a tractor circulate on a highway?
a) As long as no one sees it...
b) If the highway is for tractors, yes.
c) It depends, does the tractor really want to circulate on the highway?

29. What color should emergency lights be?
a) Something like light pink, like...
b) Man, you're on an emergency, you shouldn't worry about petty things like that.
c) What? No more questions about invisible signals?

30. How many times have you taken this driving test?
a) Since Ford made his first car.
b) I'll fail again, because you're a SOB.
c) Driving test?! And here I was thinking the questions were strange for a Selectivity test!

[Hoshi]

Well, this goes to show at females are smart beings after all...

There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I wanna take my money to the afterlife."

So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him.

Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said "Wait just a minute!" She had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket.

Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away. Her friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in the casket."

She said, "Yes, I promised. I'm a good Christian, I can't lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a cheque."

[amyliaz]

LOL! These jokes are really funny!!!

[Golgo_13]

A guy goes to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells him "For a complete checkup I'll need your blood sample, urine sample, stool sample, and semen sample."

The guy replies "Hey Doc, I don't have the time for all that. I'll just give you my underwear."

[Golgo_13]

What happened at the wedding where the bride was already pregnant? (i.e., a "Dekichatta Kekkon")


They threw puffed rice at them

[UWFShooter]

6 P.M. at an ordinary house.

RING! RING!
-Moshi moshi? Yamazaki residence.
-Hi honey, it's me Kazuya.
-Oh, hi, dear.
-How was your day?
-Great, thank you, and how about yours?
-Extenuating... man I'm so tired How were the kids?
-Oh, they behaved well... they ate all their lunch when they came home from school...
-That's great. honey you are so beautiful and intelligent what did you cook for dinner?
-Well, I cooked your favorite pasta... ravioli, rotini with tomato sauce and chicken...
-Man, I'm drooling! You sure are awesome! I made a great decision when I welcomed you into my house...
-You know I love you so much, that's why I always try to satisfy you...
-Thank you, sweetheart. Now... could you get me my wife?

[Michi]

haha

[Michi]

After driving for about six hours, a trucker decides to pull over and sleep for a little while.
As soon as he falls asleep, he is awoken by some knocks on the door of the cab. "Can you tell me the time, please?" asks a jogger.

"Yeah, it's 4:30," answers the trucker. He falls asleep again, but he is awoken again by another jogger who wants to know the time.

"It's 4:40!" yells the trucker. Deciding to really try to sleep a little, he writes on a piece of paper: I Don't Know The Time!

He sticks the paper on his windshield. But he is awoken again. "It's 5:25," says another jogger.