Jokes/Humor Thread

In the hospital, relatives gathered as a family member lay gravely ill. The doctor came in looking tired and sombre.

'I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,' he said. 'The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky, but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain.'

The family members absorbed the news. Finally one asked, 'How much will a brain cost?'

The doctor responded, '$5,000 for a male brain; $200 for a female brain.'

The moment turned awkward.

Some of the men tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women.

Then one man, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, 'Why is the male brain so much more than a female brain?'

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, 'It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to price the female brains a lot lower because they've been used.'

Eve wrote:In the hospital, relatives gathered as a family member lay gravely ill. The doctor came in looking tired and sombre.

'I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,' he said. 'The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky, but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain.'

The family members absorbed the news. Finally one asked, 'How much will a brain cost?'

The doctor responded, '$5,000 for a male brain; $200 for a female brain.'

The moment turned awkward.

Some of the men tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women.

Then one man, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, 'Why is the male brain so much more than a female brain?'

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, 'It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to price the female brains a lot lower because they've been used.'

BWAHAHAHAHA! :beaten:

Okay okay, that's not completely true. Some male brains should have a discount.

Wynter wrote: Some male brains should have a discount.

I think all that do post here at jdorama. :victory:

Eve wrote:In the hospital, relatives gathered as a family member lay gravely ill. The doctor came in looking tired and sombre.

'I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,' he said. 'The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky, but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain.'

The family members absorbed the news. Finally one asked, 'How much will a brain cost?'

The doctor responded, '$5,000 for a male brain; $200 for a female brain.'

The moment turned awkward.

Some of the men tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women.

Then one man, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, 'Why is the male brain so much more than a female brain?'

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, 'It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to price the female brains a lot lower because they've been used.'

:hehe: Thats simething :hehe: "childish innocence" and no doubt about it a man had to ask the question right :mrgreen:

(ahh poor guys well at least not all :bonk: )

A bear walks into bar. The bartender asks, "What'll it be?"

The bear says, "Gin and , , , , , , , , tonic."

The bartender asks, "What's with the pause?"

The bear answers, "I dunno, I was born with them."

How can you tell an otaku is a extrovert?

He looks at YOUR shoes while he's talking to you.

gaijinmark wrote:How can you tell an otaku is a extrovert?

He looks at YOUR shoes while he's talking to you.

LOL! Did you make this up?

Wynter wrote:

LOL! Did you make this up?

No, I just changed it to "otaku", that seems to fit this forum.

Btw, a friend of my had his toilet stolen last night. He called the cops but they couldn't find any evidence. He decided to check for himself. I asked him if he was making any progress and he said, "No, I have nothing to go on."

gaijinmark wrote:Btw, a friend of my had his toilet stolen last night. He called the cops but they couldn't find any evidence. He decided to check for himself. I asked him if he was making any progress and he said, "No, I have nothing to go on."

Ohhhh..... :doh:

:rofl:

gaijinmark wrote:



Btw, a friend of my had his toilet stolen last night. He called the cops but they couldn't find any evidence. He decided to check for himself. I asked him if he was making any progress and he said, "No, I have nothing to go on."

Oh man :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

Classic Pick Up Line


Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said, 'Listen up, Buddy. I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean . . . it doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it.'

Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, ''No kidding. I'm a lawyer, too. What firm are you with?'

Eve wrote:Classic Pick Up Line


Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said, 'Listen up, Buddy. I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean . . . it doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it.'

Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, ''No kidding. I'm a lawyer, too. What firm are you with?'

HAHA :rofl: :rofl: thats a good one :rofl: :rofl:

What happens if Superman eats Kryptonite?

He has to take a Krap tonight.....

I was at a garage sale today (nothing else to do) and some guy was wearing a t-shirt that said, "I'm right 97% of the time. The other 4%, who cares?"

gaijinmark wrote:"I'm right 97% of the time. The other 4%, who cares?"

Me too! :mrgreen:

LAtest Darwin Award WInner

(Arkansas Democrat Gazette):

Two local men were injured when their pickup truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday. WoodruffCounty deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc, and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of LittleRock, were returning to Des Arc after a frog catching trip.

On an overcast Sunday night, Poole's pickup truck headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older-model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available,Wallis noticed that the 22 caliber bullets from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering wheel column. Upon inserting thebullet, the headlights again began to operate properly, and the two men proceeded on eastbound toward the White River Bridge.

After traveling approximately 20 miles, and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged, and struck Poole in the testicles. The vehicle swerved sharply right, exiting the pavement and striking a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident but will require extensive surgery to repair the damage to his testicles, which will never operate as intended. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released. "Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his nuts off, or we might both be dead", stated Wallis.

"I've been a trooper for 10 years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this accident happened", said Snyder.

Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia (Poole's wife), asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck. Priorities, after all!

Though Poole and Wallis did not die as a result of their misadventure as normally required by Darwin Award Official Rules, it can be argued that Poole did, in fact, effectively remove himself from the gene pool.

I'll give them credit for trying. :applaud:

Some Scandanavian humor for the Beastmaster:

Ole's car was hit by a truck in an accident. In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Ole.

'Didn't you say, sir, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine' ? asked the lawyer.

Ole responded, 'Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I had yust loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into da.....'

'I didn't ask for any details', the lawyer interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?

Ole said, 'Vell, I had yust got Bessie into da trailer and I vas driving down da road...'

The lawyer interrupted again and said, 'Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway
Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Ole's answer and said to the lawyer, 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie'.

Ole thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Vell, as I vas saying, I had yust loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into da trailer and vas driving her down da highvay ven dis huge semi-truck and trailer ran da stop sign and smacked my truck right in da side. I vas trown into one ditch and Bessie vas trown into da other. I vas hurting real bad and didn't vant to move. However, I could hear Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape yust by her groans'. 'Shortly after da accident da Highway Patrolman, he came to da scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he vent over to her'..

'After he looked at her and saw her fatal condition he took out his gun and shot her right 'tween da eyes.

Den da Patrolman, he came across da road, gun still smoking, looked at me and said, 'How are you feeling?'

'Now vat da hell vould YOU say?

RETIRED/BORED HUSBAND

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

Dear Mrs. Harris,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9.. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels on his chest.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, he yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22 : When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN! '

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was?

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'

GM, regarding to last two jokes.

Loved the Scandinavian one. I feel fine too. :victory:

As for the other.

My husband say s he likes Target too.
:victory:

The trusty scout is hired unseen on everyonefs recommendation that he can track, and even predict, with extraordinary accuracy. The General of the cavalry at Fort D.A. Russell goes out to meet him and finds him lying very still in the middle of faint wagon tracks with his ear to the ground.

As they approach the scout slowly raises a hand and starts speaking, low and carefully, very quietly. gFour wagons. -- Two horses each. Two men on each wagon. Third wagon with a woman and child. – First wagon full of cantaloupes. Second, munitions. Fourth, uniforms. --- Blue uniforms. gHoly cowh, says the general.h You can tell all that by just putting your ear to the ground!?h

The scout continues weakly, barely audible g --- just ran over meh.