Joined: 25 Mar 2004 Posts: 916 Location: SF Bay Area Country:
Posted: Fri Jul 24, 2009 6:09 am Post subject:
I have found that if you hang out in bars, you meet a lot of drinkers.
I met my dear departed Toshi in the hot tub at the local health club. Now that I am dating, I have met a few fit women in the same place.
I was in the jacuzzi after a good workout and some nerd guy was boring me with tales of how great he was, when a lovely lady I know from before came into the spa and said "hi". I didn't know how to break it off with the nerd, except to say, "it's late, I gotta go home". As I left, of course I said hi to the lady. We chatted a little bit and she gave me a few shy giggles.
So, off I went to shower, get dressed and go home. That giggle struck me. It was one of those "hi, I like you" giggles, you know?
So as I went out, I sat in the lobby, knowing that she would be coming out pretty soon.
And here she comes. She says to me, "so are you waiting for a friend?"
He-he.
And I say: "yes, and my friend is here."
She was a little puzzled, then makes one of those cooing sounds that women make when they're impressed.
"You were waiting for me?"
"Yeah, I just wanted to get rid of that nerd. What are you doing this weekend?"
Japancupid.com, is a dating site that is geared towards Japanese.
I was on it for awhile, but only got some pen pals out of it, as it seems unrealistic to go for only Japanese women, and decided that i be more flexible. I just wanted to try it out for a few months. I prefer the more mainstream dating websites as it is more local and more opportunities.
I am still mentally digesting on what you wrote in to response to all what i have posted about with my situation.
I do not feel at all insulted by what you wrote(in fact, I actually commend you for speaking your mind, and being honest(i say this honestly).), and I don't really feel the need that i have to defend myself, but i do have to set the record straight on a few things. But i do acknowledge what you wrote above and I respect your views, and opinions, but I don't necessarily agree with some of them. I shall elaborate shortly.
Okay, Q. I'm starting to feel a little frustrated reading your posts. Not because of you, but because I think you've complicating things and I think you need a guiding hand to help you.
I'm definitely not the person to do this, but I'm a female. So I thought I would give you some female insight on what you have posted.
Now, disclaimer: I'm going to sound like a real bitch in some of the things I say, but I swear I'm doing it for your own good. You know I think you're great already, so please don't think I'm trying to insult you. I'm not. I'm trying to help... in that "tough love" sorta way...
FEMALE INTERPRETATION: You only went on four dates?! Q! You're being way too clingy. Someone posted earlier that it's good to know that you can move on quickly. I don't think you can, because you keep analyzing the situation. Analyzing something to death is a real turn-off for women. Personally, I think you gave in to the "relationship" way too much. The girl doesn't seem to have thought deeper into it except as a "getting to know you". If you were seriously emotionally hurt, it's because you jumped the gun. This can be both really intimidating for the girl, or else kinda creepy. You need to learn to observe and "feel" the atmosphere.
Although you're trying to convince us in your posts that you knew it hadn't reached the serious stage and that you think it was good for you, I personally think it's lies. You need to get to know YOURSELF better, Q, before you can completely give yourself to another person.
And on another note, I don't think it's healthy the way you analyze things until you're going around in circles, which you are, as is evident in your posts. Finding someone to be with is a tricky thing to do, and I think it's endearing that you're spending a lot of time and thought into it. But you need to stop making everything so black and white. The more you stew on things, the more it will be prominent in your speech, your body language, the way you communicate... and women will pick up on that. The last thing I would want on a fourth date is a guy who's analyzing our situation to figure out where to go next or what to read from it.
When you break everything down and over-think EVERYTHING, it becomes less natural. Love is a very natural thing.
It's good to be picky. But unless you really know yourself and what you desire in a woman, you'll only ever be picky in terms of physical appearance, and nothing else. You yourself said as much.
Wow, this post is long... so I'll stop now. I just felt bad for you because you seemed genuinely confused as to why she "broke up" with you. And of course, I could be completely wrong about everything I've said (which would explain why I'M still single), but at least I have the confidence to say that I know myself as much as I can at this stage in my life, and therefore I can make such bold statements.
>>waits for everyone to bash her post<<
wow, that was a long response, but thanks for taking the time to write what you wrote, and even if you are frustrated on what i posted above, going in what seems like endless circles, that is how my mind over analyzes things sometimes, it helps me justify it, but it is nice to hear a female perspective on things.
now with online dating, ppl have the option of dating other ppl, while possibly dating a person. I think it is just implied, and understood. Probably less acceptable or understood in the convention, set up, or meet them on your own dating environment.
Perhaps it was the potential that i saw in that girl, and the times we spend and chemistry that was most disappointing and the abrupt ending, which was to be the fifth date(she backed out). My mind agreed with everything and i actually told her i thought it was best too, and i wished her well. She had told me other guys did not take it as well, as i did. The heart, well, as you know it moves quite a bit slower than the mind. I think for me, it hurts cause it is the closest i have gotten to a girl, in a very long time. Yeah maybe i get attached emotionally, but i detach quite quickly. In this case, it might've seem longer. During our month of dating, i was respectful, and only contacted her during those times to confirm the next date in asking her out, and to confirm each date. I respected her space, and I did not over-crowd her or seem needy at all. Actually towards women, I do not come across as being needy, despite my posts above. In fact, my ex-gf was the one that was very needy, and the relationship prior to that one, same thing. I do realize being clingy, as you say can be a real turn-off towards women, and if anything, i try to give the girl as much space and respect as possible, but at the same time, if i am pursuing a girl, i confidently make it known that i am interested, when it is appropriate.
( You need to learn to observe and "feel" the atmosphere.) you wrote that, and i couldn't agree more, and i feel that i did my best to get a sense of things, and let things progress during that month. I didn't give more than what it was, to her, and like-wise she didn't give overly as well. We took it for what it was, a casual dating experience.
I don't personally think it was a lie, and we didn't reach any sort of serious level, at all. And like i said it was only 4 dates, but again, it has been a long time since i felt that way about a girl, probaly the frequency of those dates...but you have a right to your own opinion. I do agree one has to get to know themselves better, before giving yourself completely to another person, you are correct. I don't claim to know a lot, I even admit to learning each step of the way in each new encounter. But i do think i know myself enough to know what kind of girl i am seeking, and what type of relationship that would be most ideal for my future, and for the potential gf.
I agree with what you wrote in letting everything go more naturally, and not over-analyzing to death in circle, and if i did frustrate you, then that was not my intention. I may seem more unhealthy that what i am posting, but in reality, i think i am in the best situation that i have been in a long time, and being confident as a person, despite my over analysis which can be "perceived" as an unhealthy clingy type of person which you assumed that I was.
Actually, I was only shocked as to why she did it so suddenly without warning, but my thinking is, better now than later, and she has very good valid reasons for making her decision, and I agree wholeheartedly with her. I think it was my feelings, and what can be perceived as a broken heart, that lingered and me expressing it in circles that caused all these thoughts and frustrations.
I am glad that this place exists and ppl like Beamer, you, and others can share their thoughts and opinions.
again, I do actually appreciate you taking the time to write your responses, even if you disagreed with me on many areas, and feel that i was wrong, and not in a good place, relationship-wise emotionally. But in actually, my response was only to speak myside, and to set things straight on a few things, and there is no hard feelings. [/i]
Joined: 25 Mar 2004 Posts: 916 Location: SF Bay Area Country:
Posted: Sat Jul 25, 2009 1:49 am Post subject:
qilver wrote:
... But i do think i know myself enough to know what kind of girl i am seeking, and what type of relationship that would be most ideal for my future, and for the potential gf....
Sometimes that kind of learning experience is the best we can hope to get out of a series of dates.
As I have said, it's unrealistic to assume that you can learn all about someone through emails, whether it's online dating or on a discussion group such as this.
But I am returning to the dating scene after many years, and this is the first time that I my experience has been enhanced by emails. I think it's a good thing, especially since I am better at expressing myself better in writing than in person sometimes.
I don't know how old you all are (I'm 50), but I think that our priorities change as we age, and maybe some "requirements" (once they are actually available to us) sometimes turn out to be not as glamourous as they first seemed.
I would be happy with a lady who is cute, smart and easy to get along with. (And I may have just dated her last night.) _________________
Joined: 20 Jul 2004 Posts: 12783 Location: USA Country:
Posted: Sat Jul 25, 2009 6:02 am Post subject:
Itazura ichiban wrote:
But I am returning to the dating scene after many years,...........
Good job!
I did that three years ago after ending a 20 year relationship. And met someone far nicer than my ex ever was.
Itazura ichiban wrote:
I don't know how old you all are (I'm 50), but I think that our priorities change as we age, and maybe some "requirements" (once they are actually available to us) sometimes turn out to be not as glamourous as they first seemed.
Im impressed that youve managed to mature that much. Im close to as old as you but have the same weaknesses I had when I was younger. Always liked guys who were adrenalin junkies and blond and still do.
Itazura ichiban wrote:
I would be happy with a lady who is cute, smart and easy to get along with. (And I may have just dated her last night.)
Joined: 29 Jun 2004 Posts: 911 Location: Deus Vult Country:
Posted: Sun Jul 26, 2009 6:44 am Post subject:
Guess I'm the only one who saw Qilver getting the shaft in the end on this one. Whenever a guy or a girl has "personal issues with an ex", that means there was no potential in your dating. You were a stop-gap while he or she deals with trying to get back with the ex. Forget her and date others without baggage.
Joined: 20 Jul 2004 Posts: 12783 Location: USA Country:
Posted: Sun Jul 26, 2009 10:11 am Post subject:
Kijinnmaru wrote:
Guess I'm the only one who saw Qilver getting the shaft in the end on this one. Whenever a guy or a girl has "personal issues with an ex", that means there was no potential in your dating. You were a stop-gap while he or she deals with trying to get back with the ex. Forget her and date others without baggage.
Youre not alone in that.
And your advice is good.
If someone is obsessed by their ex there will be problems.
Anyway qliver, good luck in your quest.
_________________
Guess I'm the only one who saw Qilver getting the shaft in the end on this one. Whenever a guy or a girl has "personal issues with an ex", that means there was no potential in your dating. You were a stop-gap while he or she deals with trying to get back with the ex. Forget her and date others without baggage.
in defense of myself....
I do not believe that I for one, got shafted, i don't see it that way. That girl had every right to make her decision, and I wholeheartedly agree. I just didn't see it coming as abruptly as it occurred, but now looking back, i feel it was the best decision.
Personal issues with an ex-gf, i beg to differ. You of course have a right to your opinion based on your observations on my posts. But I am here to set it straight and speak on my behalf.
The last girl i was "seeing/dating" as explain earlier, was not an exclusive relationship, it was purely casual and was quite on the surfaced level.
As far as personal issues are concerned, first off, i am one to admit, that I have dealt with my past relationship issues long ago, and which is why I am more than ready and willing to date now. I believe that everyone has their share of personal issues, anyhow. In dealing with personal emotional baggage, that right now, has not even occurred to me, as it is not an issue.
I do acknowledge that your post does have valuable advice, in the general sense, but just not in my specific situation, as I already have been dating a new girl.
Sometimes that kind of learning experience is the best we can hope to get out of a series of dates.
As I have said, it's unrealistic to assume that you can learn all about someone through emails, whether it's online dating or on a discussion group such as this.
But I am returning to the dating scene after many years, and this is the first time that I my experience has been enhanced by emails. I think it's a good thing, especially since I am better at expressing myself better in writing than in person sometimes.
I don't know how old you all are (I'm 50), but I think that our priorities change as we age, and maybe some "requirements" (once they are actually available to us) sometimes turn out to be not as glamourous as they first seemed.
I would be happy with a lady who is cute, smart and easy to get along with. (And I may have just dated her last night.)
Whether thru online dating, or conventional dating, I think emails in contacting others, do serve its purpose. I don't think it should be the replacement in actually meeting that person. Nothing ever is better than face-to-face contact, because the emailing can be a perception of a person's actual view of reality. It might be a totally expectation of a person from the person behind the email, and the actual person face-to-face. But emailing can be a good thing, in preparation of actually meeting someone new.
requirements, and what is consider ideals, can change as a person matures, gets older, in different life phases. Sometimes people are exactly sure what they want in dating, but hopefully in time, they can figure out what is something suitable, and idea in their potential date.
It does take time to get to know someone, and it is an investment of time, energy, and some money. I would say you have an idea by say the 3rd date, if its going anywhere or not. It really depends.
Its hard to rush dating, and certain people have reasons to speed things up, but I personally think it takes time to invest time with someone, and to make sure it is a good investment of my energy and time.
You mention, a girl that is "cute", "smart", and "easy to get along with", i think that is not too much to ask for, and i especially emphasis the easy to get along with, as this helps define the chemistry and connection level in how you two get along and mingle, only time will really tell.
Joined: 25 Mar 2004 Posts: 916 Location: SF Bay Area Country:
Posted: Tue Jul 28, 2009 5:37 am Post subject:
Yeah, "easy to get along with" is my own requirement. Some people may like someone to argue and fight with, who am I to say?
In earlier times, I might have looked for an older, more mature woman, and later looked for someone who is younger. Requirements change regularly, stay tuned for updates! _________________
Joined: 20 Jun 2006 Posts: 190 Location: my place in the sun Country:
Posted: Tue Sep 22, 2009 8:20 am Post subject:
The age of the disposable male
Ask young women if their attitude toward men is �glove �eem and leave �eem,�h and almost all, says Spa! (Sept 22-29), will protest that they would never dream of being so heartless. But rephrase the question: ask them if they �gfade out�h after one or two or maybe three sexual encounters, and, to the magazine�fs amazement, fully one-third say they do!
We�fve entered the age of the �gdisposable male,�h is Spa!�fs melancholy conclusion based on a poll of 100 women in their 20s and 30s.
Reasons for the women�fs chronic restlessness vary, 34% saying that the sex in question was (as far as they were concerned) impulsive to begin with and never meant to lead to anything lasting; 28% citing disappointment in the man�fs sexual performance; 20% recalling episodes in which they thought they liked the guy, only to discover otherwise after sleeping with him.
Case in point: A 27-year-old journalist we�fll call Reiko tells Spa! of meeting a man at a drinking party and really falling for him�\so much so that she brought him home with her and, drifting off to sleep after sex, thought to herself, �gI really want to marry this guy.�h
If only you didn�ft have to wake up after a night like that. But you do, and she did, to find that that the morning light shining on his sleeping face was anything but flattering. In fact, his puffy, vacuous features bore a disconcerting resemblance to a certain manga character, not one of the superhero variety.
As soon as he woke up, she packed him off, and proceeded to ignore his ensuing stream of emails. �gI have one regret,�h she says. �gThe guys got some really good-looking friends, and now I can�ft come on to them!�h
Risa, a 25-year-old in the insurance business, tells this story: A man she met at a singles�f party was a convivial drinker and a good talker; they talked, laughed, necked on a park bench, kissed in dark places�c but why wasn�ft he dragging her to a love hotel? Didn�ft he see how eager she was to be dragged?
Finally, on their fifth date, after dinner, he announced, �gI�fve booked us a room at a city hotel, with champagne and everything.�h
Well, she thought, that�fs nice, though a little overdone. But, she shrugged, let him do things his way. In the hotel room, she soon understood why he had hesitated so long. Size matters, at least to some women, and he didn�ft have it. She doesn�ft specify precisely what action she took, but presumably it was not such as to bolster the man�fs confidence.
Well, such are the times we live in, muses essayist Shigeru Kashima in a sidebar to Spa!�fs main article. In the 1970s, the ideal of going virgin to the marriage bed was swamped by women�fs lib and the breakdown of community ties. In the bubble years of the �e80s came �gluxury capitalism,�h in which men flaunted their spending power for sexual advantage. The bubble collapsed, discouragement set in, and suddenly the watchword became �gmendokusai�h�\everything was too much trouble. Men turned to �gfuzoku�g�\the erotic entertainment industry�\for sexual gratification, and women to one-night stands.
Get used to it, men, lick your wounds and move on; all indications are that it�fs not going to change any time soon.
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I think I got her attention.
[/i] 
