Jokes/Humor Thread

HAHA! :hehe:

A neutron walks into a bar "How much for a beer?"
Barkeeper looks at it "For you? Free of charge."

and

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost an electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor began the lecture by telling them: "In medicine, it is necessary to possess two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."

To illustrate, he pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the ar$e of the corpse, withdrew it, and stuck it in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the ar$e of the dead body and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds,"
"They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

a friend of mine sent me this...
[image]
It's really more fun if you look at pix 1st.

These are signs in japanese metro trains, "Priority seats for..." (from
left to right):
1. person with injured arm
2. person holding a child
3. pregnant woman
4. person with injured leg

Not At all what I thought !!!! :rofl:

arnel98 wrote:Not At all what I thought !!!! :rofl:

Yeah, that looks like "please don't leave a log in the seat"!

arnel98 wrote:Not At all what I thought !!!! :rofl:

Hahahaha!!! :lol: Let's just say that before I read what you wrote, I thought a little... crooked? LOL... :rofl:

niko2x wrote:First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class
with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table
with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor began the lecture by telling them:
"In medicine, it is necessary to possess two important qualities as a
doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the
human body."

To illustrate, he pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the ar$e of
the corpse, withdrew it, and stuck it in his mouth.
"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually
took turns sticking a finger in the ar$e of the dead body and sucking on
it.

When everyone finished, the professor looked at them and said,
"The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle
finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."

poor students

:hehe:

Mad Cow




http://www.totallytom.com/MadCow.html

While walking out of Hillary Clinton's office one day an elected
Democrat is tragically hit by an ACLU truck full of crèches, crosses,
and Ten Commandment monuments, and dies.
The Democrat's soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at
the entrance.

"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems
there is a problem. We seldom see an elected official around these
parts, let alone a Democrat, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the Democrat.

"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is
have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can
choose where to spend eternity," St Peter says.

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the
Democrat.

"I'm sorry but we have our rules," St Peter says.

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes
down, down, down to Hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a beautiful
green golf course with a big sign saying, "Welcome to Hell."

In the distance is a luxurious club house and standing in front of it
are all his Democrat friends and politicians who had worked with
him. Everyone is very happy and elegantly garbed in fancy evening
dress.

The Democrats run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the
good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people
when Bill Clinton was president.

They play a friendly game of golf and then amble over to the club
house dining room to dine on lobster and caviar washed down with
champagne.

Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy and is
wearing a Hillary for President button. He is a wonderful host and
joins in the dancing and telling jokes.

They are having such a good time that, before the Democrat
realizes it, it is time to go.

All the other Democrats give him a big hug and wave while the
elevator doors open. "Come back soon," they all laughed.

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven
where St. Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit Heaven," he says.

So the Democrat joins a group of contented souls moving from
cloud to cloud, playing the harp, and singing.

They are having a good time but, for a Democrat, it was very boring
and the Democrat felt really threatened when the group started
praying. "This is too much like being in a sectarian church," the
Democrat grumbled. Before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone
by and St. Peter returns.

"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now
choose where to spend eternity."

The Democrat reflects for a minute, then answers trying to be
politically correct: "Well, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but
after thinking it over, I think I would be better off in Hell."

So St. Peter smiles and escorts him to the elevator and he goes
down, down, Down to Hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and the Democrat is in the
middle of a barren wasteland covered with garbage and discarded
Elect Hillary Clinton for President signs. He sees all his friends,
dressed in rags, picking up the trash, putting it in black bags,
moaning and groaning.

The devil comes over, glares at him, lays his arm on his neck, and
hands him a stack of garbage bags.

"I don't understand," stammers the Democrat. "Yesterday I was
here and there was a golf course and club house and we ate lobster
and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is is a
garbage dump and my Democrat friends look so miserable."

The Devil looks at him, laughs his evil laugh, and says, "Yesterday
we were campaigning. Today you voted for us!"

:finger_devil:

Order in the court!!!!

(Actual dictations from court hearings)



These are from a book called Disorder in the Court. These are things people
actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court
reporters-who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were
actually taking place.
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
==

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
==

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
==

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've
forgotten?
==

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
==

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that
morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
==

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?
==

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
==

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
==

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
==

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
==

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
==

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
==

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
==

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
==

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
==

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an Autopsy.
==

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
somewhere.


Duh.....

:lol: Hahaha!!! Can't believe that people said these things!

;) dont understand wut's the joke all about. ;)

teru teru bozu wrote:;) dont understand wut's the joke all about. ;)

Which joke?

And I like that name! Hahahaha. Mecha omoroi!

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.


:rolleyes: :rolleyes:

:lol: :hehe: :hehe: :good:

v69 wrote::lol: :hehe: :hehe: :good:

:crazy:

Michi wrote:

:crazy:

:say_yes:

yes wat? :nut:

:lol:
bwahahaha....Michi..
i guess if we're posting less words emotions only..this will never ends...hehe...
what i mean is..yes im crazy bcz of reading that jokes by ealier posted..
i laugh and cant stop laugh reading it...and in here it's already close to midnight..
i laugh out loud alone in my room at this time...
:hehe: :mrgreen: