Today Jimmy asked me to be his girlfriend, but I don't know well what that is, so I decided to find out for myself. I decided to spy on my sister and her boyfriend. When the boyfriend appeared they went toward the sofa, sat on it and began talking for quite a long time... then he turned off almost all the lights and began hugging her and kissing her...
Then she began getting sick, because her face was turning very strange... Her boyfriend must have been thinking the same thing because he stuck his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, but it seemed like he was having trouble finding it. I thought he was also getting sick because there was a moment in which both became breathless...
He must have had a cold right hand because he stuck it under my sister's skirt, but it only made matters worse because she began jumping and flailing all over the couch... I thought she had a fever because she was telling him she was hot and couldn't wait anymore... Then I discovered the cause of the sickness: it was an enormous worm that had stuck inside my sister's boyfriend's pants.
He grabbed it with the hand so it wouldn't escape. When my sister looked at it she was shocked, her eyes went wide and said that it was the largest she had seen. She got angry and tried to kill the worm by ripping off its head with her mouth.
Suddenly she made a strange sound and let the worm go, I think it bit her. Then she grabbed it with both hands to clinch it better, while the boyfriend took out a little rubber tube from a little box and put it on the stupid worm's head so it wouldn't bite her. She lied down and opened her legs so as to apply a scissors hold on the humongous worm.
The boyfriend helped her trap the worm and a huge fight erupted. She began jumping and yelling like crazy, they almost broke the couch. I imagined they were going to kill the worm by crushing it between the two... After a while they stopped moving and gave out a sigh because they were tired after this great battle. The boyfriend got up. They were so sure they had killed the worm... I knew that the worm was dead because it hung without moving and some part of its brains was hanging out through its head.
My sister and her boyfriend were very tired from the fight, so then, to rest, they caressed each other... but the worm wasn't dead yet, it was ALIVE! It jumped again, and it almost surprised them, luckily my sister saw it and attacked it aided by her boyfriend in another terrible fight. This time my sister tried killing that seemingly immortal worm by sitting on it. After several minutes of fighting they were able to kill it... and this time it was really dead because my sister's boyfriend ripped out its skin and threw it into the toilet.
I think worms have as many lives as cats, and that's why dating truly gives me the creeps... I'm going to tell Jimmy not to bother.
A guy goes to a red-light house and asks for the cheapest girl, because he didn't have much money on him. He ends up paying 5 bucks and they stick him in a mirrored room. The only animate thing around there was a hen, and as the guy was desperate he grabs it and... you know what happens.
A few days later, the guy goes back to the red-light house, and as this time he is loaded with dough and wants to try something new, he asks if there are live performances. So this time they lead him into a room where there's some people seated and looking into some kind of window, and through it could be seen a woman using a vibrator on herself. Our guy, enthusiastic, says to one of those seated:
- Hey, this is great, ain't it?
- Hell, this ain't nothing, the other day there was some dude screwing a hen...
There were four students taking organic chemistry at university They did so well on all the quizzes, mid-terms, labs and essays that each had an 'A' so far for the semester.
These four friends were so confident with the finals approaching that the weekend before they decided to go back to their home town and party with some friends there.
They had a great time. However, after all the hard partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to town until early Monday morning the morning of their final exam.
Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor AFTER the exam and explain to him why they missed it.
They explained that they had gone home to do some study for the weekend with the plan to come back in time for the exam.
But unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they had only just arrived now!
The professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up their final exam the following day.
The four were elated and relieved. They studied hard that night - all night - and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them.
He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin.
The first problem was worth five points. It was something simple about free radical formation.
'Cool,' they all thought in their separate rooms, 'this is going to be easy.'
Each finished the problem and turned the page.
On the second page was written, 'Question 2 (for 95 points): Which tire?'
A Programmer and an Engineer were sitting next to each other on an air plane.
The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he wants to play a fun game.
The Engineer just wants to sleep so he politely declines, turns away and tries to sleep.
The Programmer persists and explains that it's a real easy game. He explains,"I ask a question and if you don't know the answer you pay me $5. Then you ask a question and if I don't know the answer I'll pay you $5."
Again the Engineer politely declines and tries to sleep.
The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "O.K., if you don't know the answer you pay me $5 and if I don't know the answer I pay you $50! "
Now, that got the Engineer's attention, so he agrees to the game.
The Programmer asks the first question, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
Then Engineer doesn't say a word and just hands the Programmer $5.
Now, its the Engineer's turn. He asks the Programmer,"What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down on four?"
The Programmer looks at him with a puzzled look, takes out his laptop computer, looks through all his references and after about an hour wakes the Engineer and hands the Engineer $50.
The Engineer politely takes the $50 turns away and tries to return to sleep.
The Programmer, a little miffed, asks, "Well what's the answer to the question?"
Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands $5 to the Programmer, turns away and returns to sleep
A guy runs into a car repair shop, grabs the first mechanic he sees and says, "help! The 710 on my engine is gone and I need a replacement." The mechanic scratches his head and asks the guy, "710? What's a 710?"
The guy shakes his head and tells the mechanic, "what kind of a mechanic are you?! A 710! Don't you know? It's on every car engine, the 710 is."
The mechanic, still confused, offers, "sir, I have NO idea what a 710 is. Honestly."
The guy stomps his feet, tells the mechanic, "look, let's go outside. Let's lift up every hood of every car we see 'til we find an engine that has a 710! Shouldn't take us too long to find it, I'm telling you. How can you not know what a 710 is? You're a mechanic for Pete's sake!"
The mechanic, now frustrated himself, takes up the challenge: "ALL RIGHT. You show me what a 710 is, and I'll replace it for free."
Both men go out of the store and lift up the hood of the first car they see. Not even five seconds into an initial inspection of the car's engine, the guy goes, "THERE! RIGHT THERE! THAT'S WHAT I MISSING ON MY ENGINE: A 710!"
The mechanic, now just about ready to call the police, goes, "sir . . . I can't see this '710' you're talking about. Really."
The guy has just about lost his own patience, until he cups his hand around "the 710," twisting it at an angle that the mechanic can see quite clearly.
The guy goes, "RIGHT THERE! THE 710": http://rtccom.net/~mfjgolf/710.jpg
The Man wrote:[a variation of a joke I saw at another website]:
A guy runs into a car repair shop, grabs the first mechanic he sees and says, "help! The 710 on my engine is gone and I need a replacement." The mechanic scratches his head and asks the guy, "710? What's a 710?"
The guy shakes his head and tells the mechanic, "what kind of a mechanic are you?! A 710! Don't you know? It's on every car engine, the 710 is."
The mechanic, still confused, offers, "sir, I have NO idea what a 710 is. Honestly."
The guy stomps his feet, tells the mechanic, "look, let's go outside. Let's lift up every hood of every car we see 'til we find an engine that has a 710! Shouldn't take us too long to find it, I'm telling you. How can you not know what a 710 is? You're a mechanic for Pete's sake!"
The mechanic, now frustrated himself, takes up the challenge: "ALL RIGHT. You show me what a 710 is, and I'll replace it for free."
Both men go out of the store and lift up the hood of the first car they see. Not even five seconds into an initial inspection of the car's engine, the guy goes, "THERE! RIGHT THERE! THAT'S WHAT I MISSING ON MY ENGINE: A 710!"
The mechanic, now just about ready to call the police, goes, "sir . . . I can't see this '710' you're talking about. Really."
The guy has just about lost his own patience, until he cups his hand around "the 710," twisting it at an angle that the mechanic can see quite clearly.
The guy goes, "RIGHT THERE! THE 710": http://rtccom.net/~mfjgolf/710.jpg
This lady went to the doctor and found out she was pregnant she was so happy
She sent a text message to her husband:
Wife: I just can from the doctors and he told me I was pregnant
Husband: Gratz who the father?
Wife: You are silly
Husband: How can I I'm not marry
Wife: Who is this where is John?
Husband: This is Paul and John is at home with his wife
Wife: This is his wife
Husband: Opps
you're cruising along at a nice clip when those dreaded lights appear in your rear view mirror.....
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card.
The driver owned the car.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.
Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too!
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing
up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over
which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up,
quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she
opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she
says a word, Bob says "I'll give you 800 dollars to drop that towel that you have on." After
thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in
front of Bob. After a few seconds Bob hands her 800 dollars and
leaves. Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman raps
back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back to
the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower, "Who was that?" "It
was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.
"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the 800
dollars he owes me?"
Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining
to credit and risk in time with your stakeholders, you may be in a
position to prevent avoidable exposure.
A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the
road, he stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and
crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg.
The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he
stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and
immediately said, "Father, remember Psalm 129."
The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced
himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from
her leg.
Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg
again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129."
Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry, Sister, but the flesh
is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him meaningful
glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest
rushed to retrieve a Bible and looked up Psalm 129. It said, "Go
forth and seek; further up, you will find glory."
Moral of the story: Always be well informed in your job, or you
may miss a great opportunity.
He asked his father, who was a rabbi, if they could discuss his use of the family car.
His father took him into his study and said, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Talmud a little, get your hair cut and then we'll talk about it."
After about a month, the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.
They again went into the father's study where the father said- "Son, I've been very proud of you.. You have brought your grades up, you've studied the Talmud diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut."
The young man waited a moment and then replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."
The rabbi said, "Yes, and everywhere they went, they walked
1- Will The Real Dummy Please Stand Up?
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he "lacked intellectual leadership." He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
2- With A Little Help From Our Friends
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting "Please come out and give yourself up."
3- What Was Plan B?
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
4- The Getaway
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
5- Did I Say That?
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"
6- Are We Communicating?
A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No," the man shouted, "this is her husband!"
7- Not The Sharpest Tool In The Shed
In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.
8- The Grand Finale
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22-foot Bayliner to perform. It wouldn't plane out at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power was applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted to a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. NOW REMEMBER THIS IS TRUE... Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class on a plane. The woman sneezes, then takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs. The man isn't sure he saw what she did, and decides he is probably hallucinating.
A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs. The man is about to go nuts. He can't believe that he's seeing what she's doing. A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs yet again. The man has finally had all he can handle.
He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped it between your legs! What kind of signals are you sending me, or are you just trying to drive me crazy?"
The woman replies, " I am sorry to have disturbed you, sir. I have a rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
The man, now feeling bad, says, "Oh, I'm sorry. What are you taking for it?"
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