Dabbies wrote:
haha :mrgreen: ... i haven't even answer the question than all of start feeling lame... hahah.... but it is quite lame actually.... haha... so gotta the answer :naughty: ?
tata...(",) :woot:
nope :crazy:
nope :crazy:
Jokes/Humor Thread
Started by Michi · 13 Nov 2003 · 828 replies
General Discussion
nope :crazy:
enjoy this one :mrgreen:
http://www.funnyjunk.com/pages/mydog.htm
http://www.funnyjunk.com/pages/mydog.htm
:woot:
Intelligent Quotes
:bonk: :beatyou: :bonk: :beaten:
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," -- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff," -- Mariah Carey
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president," -- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," -- A congressional candidate in Texas.
"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." -- John Wayne
"Half this game is ninety percent mental." -- Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." -- Al Gore, Vice President
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." -- Dan Quayle
" It's no exaggeration to say that the undecided could go one way or another" -- George Bush, US President
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" -- Lee Iacocca
"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version," -- Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.
"The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein," -- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." -- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." -- Bill Clinton, President
"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." -- Al Gore, VP
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." -- Keppel Enderbery
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." -- Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." -- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
gIf we let the loggers go in and cut down all the trees we wouldnft have a problem with forest fires.h – George Bush
Intelligent Quotes
:bonk: :beatyou: :bonk: :beaten:
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," -- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff," -- Mariah Carey
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president," -- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," -- A congressional candidate in Texas.
"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." -- John Wayne
"Half this game is ninety percent mental." -- Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." -- Al Gore, Vice President
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." -- Dan Quayle
" It's no exaggeration to say that the undecided could go one way or another" -- George Bush, US President
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" -- Lee Iacocca
"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version," -- Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.
"The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein," -- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." -- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." -- Bill Clinton, President
"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." -- Al Gore, VP
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." -- Keppel Enderbery
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." -- Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." -- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
gIf we let the loggers go in and cut down all the trees we wouldnft have a problem with forest fires.h – George Bush
Dabbies wrote:hahah... Chris... got to hand up to u :applaud: ... hahah.. they are funny & quite lame :sweat: ... keep it up..!! :woot:
tata...(",) :woot:
I thanked you for that :bow: :bow:
Mike Tyson's Computer
Did you hear about the new Mike Tyson Computer?
It has two bytes and no memory. :hehe:
Did you hear about the new Mike Tyson Computer?
It has two bytes and no memory. :hehe:
![[image]](http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v301/lzykrn/buahaha.jpg){kind=link}
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the
loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for
two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security
for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls
Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank,
she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to
accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at
the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a
$5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the
Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the
interest,which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss,
we are very happy to have had your business, and this
transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little
puzzled.
"While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are
a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to
borrow $5,000?"
The blond replies....."Where else in New York City can I park
my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there
when I return?"
Finally, a smart blonde joke!
loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for
two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security
for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls
Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank,
she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to
accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at
the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a
$5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the
Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the
interest,which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss,
we are very happy to have had your business, and this
transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little
puzzled.
"While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are
a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to
borrow $5,000?"
The blond replies....."Where else in New York City can I park
my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there
when I return?"
Finally, a smart blonde joke!
where do you find that!!! picture!! :shocked: :shocked: :rofl: :hehe:
lol :rofl:
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.
John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued,
"May I ask what the turkey did?"
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.
John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued,
"May I ask what the turkey did?"
Golf and Funerals
Two guys are golfing on a course that is right next to a cemetery. After they tee off, one of the golfers notices that there is a funeral procession passing by. So he takes off his hat, and places it over his heart. When the funeral is over, the other golfer looks at the guy and asks, ''Why did you do that?''
The man replies, ''Well we were maried for almost 40 years. It's the least I could do.''
Two guys are golfing on a course that is right next to a cemetery. After they tee off, one of the golfers notices that there is a funeral procession passing by. So he takes off his hat, and places it over his heart. When the funeral is over, the other golfer looks at the guy and asks, ''Why did you do that?''
The man replies, ''Well we were maried for almost 40 years. It's the least I could do.''
Elementary, My Dear Jerkface
Sherlock Holmes and Watson were walking through a park, when they passed three women, eating bananas.
"Good evening, ladies," said Sherlock. After they passed, Watson asked if he knew those women.
"No, Watson, I didn't know that nun, prostitute, or bride." Baffled, Watson asks how he knew their identities.
"Elementary, my dear Watson. The nun was eating the banana by breaking it into small pieces. The prostitute was shoving the banana into her mouth. And the bride was holding the banana with one hand and forcing her head down with the other."
Sherlock Holmes and Watson were walking through a park, when they passed three women, eating bananas.
"Good evening, ladies," said Sherlock. After they passed, Watson asked if he knew those women.
"No, Watson, I didn't know that nun, prostitute, or bride." Baffled, Watson asks how he knew their identities.
"Elementary, my dear Watson. The nun was eating the banana by breaking it into small pieces. The prostitute was shoving the banana into her mouth. And the bride was holding the banana with one hand and forcing her head down with the other."
Salesman/Farmhouse v. 6.0
A salesman''s car breaks down in the pouring rain outside a farmhouse.
The salesman bangs on the farmhouse door.
The next morning, the farmer''s daughter wakes up to find her father in bed with the salesman. She shoots them both and takes off in the salesman''s car.
She assumes the salesman''s identity and meets all of his quotas.
A salesman''s car breaks down in the pouring rain outside a farmhouse.
The salesman bangs on the farmhouse door.
The next morning, the farmer''s daughter wakes up to find her father in bed with the salesman. She shoots them both and takes off in the salesman''s car.
She assumes the salesman''s identity and meets all of his quotas.
The Polish Passenger
A Polish man was taking a flight on a commercial airliner. The airliner had 4 engines, which is quite normal. About an hour into the flight, a loud BOOM occurred.
The flight attendant came over the intercom and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we have blown an engine, but there is no need to worry. We still have three engines, I repeat, we still have three engines."
Everyone stayed calm.
About another hour later, another boom.
The flight attendant comes over the intercom. "Ladies and gentlemen, we have blown another engine, but there is no need to worry! We still have two more engines to go!"
The people stayed calm.
An hour later, the same situation. Now only one engine remained.
Then, the Polish man stood up and said outloud, "Man! If this keeps up, we could be up here all day!"
A Polish man was taking a flight on a commercial airliner. The airliner had 4 engines, which is quite normal. About an hour into the flight, a loud BOOM occurred.
The flight attendant came over the intercom and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we have blown an engine, but there is no need to worry. We still have three engines, I repeat, we still have three engines."
Everyone stayed calm.
About another hour later, another boom.
The flight attendant comes over the intercom. "Ladies and gentlemen, we have blown another engine, but there is no need to worry! We still have two more engines to go!"
The people stayed calm.
An hour later, the same situation. Now only one engine remained.
Then, the Polish man stood up and said outloud, "Man! If this keeps up, we could be up here all day!"
Uh, I don't get either. :crazy:
Gomen.
Gomen.
Republican Lightbulb Replacement Policy
How many republicans does it take to change a lightbulb?
Three. One to change the bulb, one to call the media to publicize it, and one to blame the electric bill on the democrats.
How many republicans does it take to change a lightbulb?
Three. One to change the bulb, one to call the media to publicize it, and one to blame the electric bill on the democrats.
How to run the bulls at St. Fermín's Feast in Pamplona, Spain
1) It's important to know what the bulls are like. Rule of thumb: Bulls are generally black while bull runners generally dress in white. Nonetheless every year there's always some moron who provokes a Navarran and hugs a bull.
2) It's important to know in what direction the encierro (run) goes. Every year some moron runs toward where the bulls are coming from. It's basic to know that the bulls' horns point toward the direction they're running.
3) Heeding traffic signals is not necessary during a run. For example if you see a STOP sign you don't have to actually stop or yield (the bull won't do it anyway)
4) It's traditional to run holding a rolled-up newspaper in your hand. Our advice: hide inside the paper an object powerful enough to break through the other runners.
5) Even though this is frowned upon, in case the animals get close to you a kick to another runner will provide sufficient distraction to the bulls so you can earn very valuable seconds.
6) Running while drunk isn't recommended because if the bulls get you, it's such a waste of whisky. There's an exception to the rule, and that is if you've drunk so much alcohol you can disinfect possible injuries from the inside.
7) Even though the run is broadcasted on TV you don't have to greet and wave at the camera so your family sees you, especially because of the disgust your poor mother will suffer because she didn't know you were going to run.
8) If you do fall in front of the bulls and they begin hitting on you, defend yourself at all costs (the ideal thing would be a huge bite on the bull's balls but this isn't always possible)
9) If you do get hurt during the run do not go to the ambulance, because it's staffed with objectors, who are volunteers, have no damned idea, who have a humongous hangover because they've been getting as drunk as you and on top of that are royally pissed at having to work on the festivities.
10) Most of the people who run the bulls can't even see them from afar (come on, it's more than 2500 people against 6 or so bulls) and they do get more bumps than a car (punches, shoves, here it comes, it's not coming) and in the guardrail there are so many people there's no one who can go up on top, so much that the square entrance actually looks like the doors of El Corte Inglés [a popular fashion store in Spain] on sale days...
11) If you play it safe and opt to watch the bulls from behind the guardrail, be there and catch a place before 5 AM. Otherwise, it's possible that you won't be able to get close to more than two blocks of the post office.
1) It's important to know what the bulls are like. Rule of thumb: Bulls are generally black while bull runners generally dress in white. Nonetheless every year there's always some moron who provokes a Navarran and hugs a bull.
2) It's important to know in what direction the encierro (run) goes. Every year some moron runs toward where the bulls are coming from. It's basic to know that the bulls' horns point toward the direction they're running.
3) Heeding traffic signals is not necessary during a run. For example if you see a STOP sign you don't have to actually stop or yield (the bull won't do it anyway)
4) It's traditional to run holding a rolled-up newspaper in your hand. Our advice: hide inside the paper an object powerful enough to break through the other runners.
5) Even though this is frowned upon, in case the animals get close to you a kick to another runner will provide sufficient distraction to the bulls so you can earn very valuable seconds.
6) Running while drunk isn't recommended because if the bulls get you, it's such a waste of whisky. There's an exception to the rule, and that is if you've drunk so much alcohol you can disinfect possible injuries from the inside.
7) Even though the run is broadcasted on TV you don't have to greet and wave at the camera so your family sees you, especially because of the disgust your poor mother will suffer because she didn't know you were going to run.
8) If you do fall in front of the bulls and they begin hitting on you, defend yourself at all costs (the ideal thing would be a huge bite on the bull's balls but this isn't always possible)
9) If you do get hurt during the run do not go to the ambulance, because it's staffed with objectors, who are volunteers, have no damned idea, who have a humongous hangover because they've been getting as drunk as you and on top of that are royally pissed at having to work on the festivities.
10) Most of the people who run the bulls can't even see them from afar (come on, it's more than 2500 people against 6 or so bulls) and they do get more bumps than a car (punches, shoves, here it comes, it's not coming) and in the guardrail there are so many people there's no one who can go up on top, so much that the square entrance actually looks like the doors of El Corte Inglés [a popular fashion store in Spain] on sale days...
11) If you play it safe and opt to watch the bulls from behind the guardrail, be there and catch a place before 5 AM. Otherwise, it's possible that you won't be able to get close to more than two blocks of the post office.
Kim Jong-il and his driver were passing by a desolate road in North Korea when they suddenly hit a pig crossing the road, killing it instantly. Kim ordered his driver to go himself to the farm ahead and explain the pig owner what had happened.
Two hours later the driver comes back, stumbling, with a bottle of what looks to be sake on his hand and his clothes badly on.
Kim asked the driver:
-What happened?
-Well, the house owner gave me this Japanese sake, his wife fed me delicious kimchi, and their beautiful 19-year-old daughter led me to her room and made love to me so passionately!
-But... what on earth did you do to them?
-Nothing, I just said... "Hello, I'm the Dear Leader's driver and I've just killed the pig"...
Two hours later the driver comes back, stumbling, with a bottle of what looks to be sake on his hand and his clothes badly on.
Kim asked the driver:
-What happened?
-Well, the house owner gave me this Japanese sake, his wife fed me delicious kimchi, and their beautiful 19-year-old daughter led me to her room and made love to me so passionately!
-But... what on earth did you do to them?
-Nothing, I just said... "Hello, I'm the Dear Leader's driver and I've just killed the pig"...
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