Jokes/Humor Thread

I HAVE A JOKE!!!
ok ok , lets just say, ( hypothetically speaking) that in another life
you were ......a crack head.
and you had just gotten out of prison and had sworn to never go back to that horrible place again ...
so the cops are chasing you, and one backs you into a corner
you have a pound of crack in one pocket and a gun in the other.
do you...........
A. give him the crack??
or......
B. blow his head off?
:victory:

Extremely!! knock out smile!! hahahahaha :bonk: :rofl:
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aaww man :shakehead:

chrisyukiefan wrote:Why Hanukkah is Better Than Christmas

1. There''s no "Donny & Marie Hanukkah Special" 2. Eight days of presents (in theory, anyway). 3. No need to clean the chimney. 4. There's no latke-nog. 5. Burl Ives doesn't sing Hanukkah songs. 6. You won't be pressured to buy Hanukkah Seals. 7. You won't see, "You're a Putz, Charlie Brown". 8. No barking dog version of "I had a Little Driedl". 9. No pine needles to vacuum up afterwards. 10. Blintzes are cheaper to mail than fruitcakes.

oh man! what a joke!

Hey guys!! take a look :hehe:

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must be read with an italian accent, preferably out loud

One day Ima gonna New York to bigga hotel. Ina Morning I go down to eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her I want two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say you no understand . I wanna to piss onna my plate. She say you better not piss onna plate, you sonna ma b!tch. I don't even know the lady and she call me sonna ma b!tch.

Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tell me everyone wanna fock. I tell her you no understand. I wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table, you sonna ma bi!ch. I don't even know the lady and she call me sonna ma b!tch.

So I go back to my room inna hotel and there is no sh!t onna my bed. Call the manager and tella him I wanna sh!t. He tell me to go to toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna sh!t on my bed. He say you better not sh!t onna bed, you sonna ma b!tch. I don't even know the man and he call me sonna ma b!tch. I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: "Peace on you". I say piss on you too, you sonna ma b!tch, I gonna back to Italy.

fred & arthur are playing golf when a funeral procession goes by. fred, out of respect lowers his hat.
arthur sees this and says 'fred, i'm impressed with your compassion. i didn't think you cared about such things'
fred replies 'well, we were married for 32 years' :rofl:

now i see this thread when it's too late. sorry. :puppydog:

2 jokes from allowe.com

A blonde was aboard a small two-seater airplane when the pilot had a heart attack and died. She grabbed the radio and screamed, "Mayday! Mayday! The pilot just died!" Air traffic control answered, "Don't worry, ma'am. We'll talk you down. Just do as I say. First, give me your height and position." "I'm 5 foot 2 and sitting in the right front seat!"

A young Indian boy asked his father, the chief, why Indians always have long names while white men have short names. His father replied, "Son, our names represent are creative and symbolic, unlike the white man who repeats names from generation to generation. For example, your sister, Small Romantic Moon Over the Lake, is named that because on the night she was born the moon was reflected in the lake. Your brother, Galloping White Stallion, was born when a great white horse appeared near our camp. Do you have any other questions, Two Dogs F**king?"

Uh, there's a joke thread here: http://jdorama.com/viewtopic.2418.htm


Mod time.

Gomen. :sweat:

topic merged

Michi wrote:just wanna share this with u ppl~!! if u have any jokes. .. pls post here^^

A bus full of ugly people die in a wreck, so they all leave their bodies and go to heaven. As they stand in line to enter Heaven, God decides to grant each of them one wish because he felt sorry for them for being so ugly all their lives.

SO the first person says "I want to be beautiful."
SO God made it happen. The second person says the same thing, so God grants that too.

THis continues throughout the whole line. Each person wishes to be made beautiful, and God grants it. Then God notices a guy at the end of the line that is laughing like a maniac. As each person turn to be pretty, he keeps laughing, and he laughs harder and harder each time.

When that man finally gets to the front of the line, God asks him what his wish is.
The man, still laughing, looks up to God and says, " I wish they were all ugly again"

funny as shit!!!! :hehe: :rofl:

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2005 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the
microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards
in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach
your family of three.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk
next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends
and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell
phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry
in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at
the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which
you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years
of your life, is now a cause for panic and you
turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before
getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are
going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that
there wasn't a #9 on this list.

AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself :hehe:

Enna wrote:YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2005 when...

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at
the bottom of the screen.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before
getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that
there wasn't a #9 on this list.

AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself :hehe:

Just learned something from #7 :hehe:

#10, yea waking up and then going online is like a must for me these days :mrgreen:

#11....only now and then :sweat:

#12, 14 & 15 was funny, I did exactly as those 3 said before reading it and laughed after reading it :rofl:

K.T.Tran wrote:

Just learned something from #7 :hehe:

#10, yea waking up and then going online is like a must for me these days :mrgreen:

#11....only now and then :sweat:

#12, 14 & 15 was funny, I did exactly as those 3 said before reading it and laughed after reading it :rofl:

Glad you liked it K.T.Tran. :D

:applaud: I liked it too.

Are more people violently opposed to wearing fur than leather because it's easier to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs?

tabana wrote::applaud: I liked it too.

Are more people violently opposed to wearing fur than leather because it's easier to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs?

Thanks tabana, glad you liked it too. :D That was my first contribution to the jokes thread. :sweat: Nice to meet you tabana. :)

Enna wrote:YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2005 when...



5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends
and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell
phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry
in the groceries.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which
you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years
of your life, is now a cause for panic and you
turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before
getting your coffee.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that
there wasn't a #9 on this list.

AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself :hehe:

Lol those are true for me.

Enna wrote:
Thanks tabana, glad you liked it too. :D That was my first contribution to the jokes thread. :sweat: Nice to meet you tabana. :)

Nice to meet you too. :)

My joke:

Two nicely-dressed ladies were chatting while waiting at the airport. One was an arrogant, wealthy, egotistical Californian. The other was a well-mannered Southern lady. The California woman said, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me." The Southern lady replied, "Well, isn't that precious." The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz." Again, the other commented, "Well, isn't that precious." The first continued boasting, "Then when my third child was born, he bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet." Yet again, "Well, isn't that precious." The Californian asked, "What did your husband buy you when you had your first child?" "He sent me to charm school," said the Southern lady. "Charm school? Oh, God! Why?" The Southern lady replied, "Well, for one thing, I learned to say, 'Well, isn't that precious' instead of, 'Who gives a sh¡t?!'"

HEY GUYS! check this out! :hehe: :bonk:


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