Jokes/Humor Thread

Not for the easily offended!



How Old Am I?

A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.

Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," was the reply.

"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.

After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.

The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29".

"I am actually 47."

Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.

She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."

As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants.

Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47."

Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."

The Irate Customer

For all of you out there who've had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you. It's a classic! In tribute to those 'special' customers we all love!

An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"

Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, F*** you!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."

this is hella funny
1) go to google.com
2) type weapons of mass destruction DON'T hit search
3) hit i'm feeling lucky
4) read it carefully

OR just go here i did the work for u

http://www.coxar.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/

Cripes, I had a joke.

This Joke does not intend to offend any one particular group...it is intended to offend all human beings, :naughty:

THREE GIRLFRIENDS

A man has three girlfriends he has been dating for a while. He is deciding which one he should marry, so he decided to test them. He gave each woman $10,000.

The first girlfriend invested the $10,000 in the stock market, made $20,000 and gave him back the money.

The second girlfriend put the $10,000 into a joint bank account with him.

The third girlfriend went shopping and spent all the money in one day.

Which one did he marry???













The one with the biggest boobs.

A young guy enters a general store in a small town.
-Good morning. I've come here for the job you posted on the newspaper.
-Good. You seem like you're ready for it. Could you wait for me while I go to the bank? Listen, I'll teach you how the business works and then you stay in the front. Look, we have a special marketing technique that consists of selling the "star product" of the day, everyone who enters the store gets it for half price whether they want it or not. For example, today's product is Windex (glass cleaner).

The door rings and a customer enters. The store owner says to the kid:
-Observe how I do it. (to customer) How may I help you?
-Good morning. I'd like a can of white paint.
-Perfect.
The man takes out a can of paint and a flask of Windex and gives it to him.
-No, no no I asked just for a can of paint.
-OK, but I just thought that if you're buying the can of paint is to paint the walls, right?
-Yes, of course...
-Well, you know that when you paint the glass in the house gets stained and what better product to clean glass stains than Windex, which is the star product of the day and comes at half the price!

So the man buys both items and comes out of the store happily. The owner tells the guy:

-OK, did you learn how it's done?
-Yes, sir, no problem. You can go to the bank and I'll take care of the store.

The door rings again and this time the customer is a very beautiful young woman.

-Good morning. I'd like a box of tampons.
-Very well.

The young guy takes out a box of tampons and a flask of Windex and gives it to her.

-No, no no, I only asked for a box of tampons.
-OK, but I figured if you're buying the tampons it's because you have menstrual syndrome, right?
-Right, but...
-Well, since you're not going to screw all weekend, at least clean your windows!

THE HARD WORKER

What Makes One Hundred Percent?
From a strictly mathematical viewpoint It goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does
it mean to give MORE than
100%? Ever wonder about those
people who say they are giving
More than 100%? We have all
been to those meetings where
someone wants you to give over
100%. How about achieving
103%? What makes up 100% in
Life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these
questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and


K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19 +9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with
mathematical certainty that
While Hard work and
Knowledge will get you
close, and Attitude will
get you there, it's the
Bullshi+ and @ss
kissing that will put
you over the top.

Why Engineers Don't Write Recipe Books

Chocolate Chip Cookies

Ingredients

532,35 cm3 gluten
4,9 cm3 NaHCO3
4,9 cm3 refined halite
236,6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
177,45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
177,45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
4,9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
2 calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein
473,2 cm3 theobroma cacao
236,6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)

Preparation

To a 2 l jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 BTU/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation. In a second 2 l reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogenous. To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction.Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston's first order rate expression [JACOBS 21, p. 55], or until golden brown. Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25‹ C heat - transfer table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium.

(source: Pablo Yamamoto, http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/5670/main.htm)

Mom & Daughter

-My daughter, the neighbors are saying you're having sex with your boyfriend.
-C'mon, Ma, people are such gossips. One fucks any guy and they immediately tag him as a boyfriend!

----

-You know, yesterday your husband came so drunk he went into the wrong bedroom, got into my bed and had sex with me.
-But Ma!... didn't you tell him anything?
-Sweetie... you know I don't talk to him...

Good news: There is pro wrestling in heaven.
Bad news: Tomorrow is your debut match.

Four men got together to play golf one sunny morning. As they
were heading out to the course, one of them was detained by a
phone call.

The other three were discussing their children while walking to
the first tee.

"My son," said one proudly, "has made quite a name for himself
in the home building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now
owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful,
in fact in the last year he was able to give a good friend a
brand new home as a gift."

The second man, not to be outdone, boasts how his son began his
career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership.
"He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a
friend two brand new cars as a gift."

The third man brags that his son has worked his way up through a
stock brokerage firm, and has become so successful that in the
last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio
as a gift.

As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, the three smugly tell
him that they have been discussing how successful their progeny
are, and ask what line of work his son is in.

"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased how my son has turned
out," he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser,
and I've just recently discovered he's gay."

As the other three recoil in horror, he continues, "but on the
bright side, he must be good at what he does, because his last
three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two new cars,
and a big stock portfolio."

[image]

^^^
:say_cool: Never too early huh?

Great joke too. Ouch!

http://premium.uploadit.org/ahochaude/monkey[1].mpe


http://premium.uploadit.org/ahochaude/ChimponPenguins.wmv

ahochaude wrote:http://premium.uploadit.org/ahochaude/monkey[1].mpe


http://premium.uploadit.org/ahochaude/ChimponPenguins.wmv

I've heard that penguin joke before, but it's so much better when monkeys tell it. Monkeys kick ass.

Monkey's are cool! :hehe:

Math Trouble

A little girl was failing math. Her mother enrolled her in Catholic school in the hopes to improve her math grades. During the first marking period, her mother noticed a dramatic improvement in her math studies. The girl would refuse playing with friends and eating dessert after dinner in order to study more.

On report card day, her mother was astonished to see that her daughter got an A+ in math. She asked her daughter, "Why the sudden change of attitude about math -- do the nuns punish you?" The girl replied, "No, but when I saw the little man on the wall nailed to the plus sign, I knew that this school is very serious about math!"

Michi wrote:just wanna share this with u ppl~!! if u have any jokes. .. pls post here^^

....... The man, still laughing, looks up to God and says, " I wish they were all ugly again"

Oh that is so funny Michi

BMUU wrote:
Oh that is so funny Michi

haha
yeah it is :hehe:

At the police box, the omawari-san was asking the thief:
-You! Why did you steal the lady's watch?
-I didn't steal her watch, she gave it to me.
-When did she give you the watch?
-When I showed her the gun!