hhahhahhaa
Jokes/Humor Thread
Started by Michi · 13 Nov 2003 · 828 replies
General Discussion
The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a condom because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.
:applaud:
:applaud:
:lol: :rofl: :thumbsup:
Golgo_13 wrote:The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a condom because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.
:applaud:
I like sex.
But good puns, nonetheless.
Besides, where've you been lately?!
Why aren't there any coups d'etat in USA?
Because it's the only country where there's NO American Embassy.
Because it's the only country where there's NO American Embassy.
Adam & Eve were North Koreans, because they didn't have any clothes, they walked barefoot, they weren't allowed to eat apples and they still were telling them that they were in Paradise!
Tung Chee Hwa (Chief Executive), Regina Yip our (Secretary of Security) and Anthony Leung (Secretary of Finance) were on a plane flying over Hong Kong, as there is nowhere they can go without being jeered at.
Chief Secretary Tung wistfully thinks about how rich he is. He said, "Look, since the economy is so bad, how about I donate a hundred dollars, throw it out the window. I am sure I can make one person happy."
Regina replies, "The Hong Kong people won't know the difference between a hundred and fifty anyway. We throw out two fifties then two people will be happy when it lands."
Finance Secretary Anthony thinks about this, and says, "Well, they don't need that much, how about we throw out ten 10 dollars bills. We can make ten people happy."
The three of them gets excited about this, thinking this would help their image.
They walk to the top of the plane, approach the pilot to ask for a "clarification" of how best to implement it.
The pilot listens, considers his options, and replies, "I have an idea! We can make a lot more people happy. I think you should listen."
The three of them discusses it for three minutes, and decides maybe it's worth a try.
The pilot goes, "It's simple. I push all three of you out the window. Straight away, that would make seven million people happy."
Chief Secretary Tung wistfully thinks about how rich he is. He said, "Look, since the economy is so bad, how about I donate a hundred dollars, throw it out the window. I am sure I can make one person happy."
Regina replies, "The Hong Kong people won't know the difference between a hundred and fifty anyway. We throw out two fifties then two people will be happy when it lands."
Finance Secretary Anthony thinks about this, and says, "Well, they don't need that much, how about we throw out ten 10 dollars bills. We can make ten people happy."
The three of them gets excited about this, thinking this would help their image.
They walk to the top of the plane, approach the pilot to ask for a "clarification" of how best to implement it.
The pilot listens, considers his options, and replies, "I have an idea! We can make a lot more people happy. I think you should listen."
The three of them discusses it for three minutes, and decides maybe it's worth a try.
The pilot goes, "It's simple. I push all three of you out the window. Straight away, that would make seven million people happy."
Please pass the mayo
A kid came home from school and asked his dad, "Dad, I heard some kids talking about a thing called a vagina. What is a vagina, and what does it look like?"
"Well, son, before sex it looks like a beautiful unopened rose."
"Wow, what does it look like after sex?"
"Well, son, have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonaise?"
A kid came home from school and asked his dad, "Dad, I heard some kids talking about a thing called a vagina. What is a vagina, and what does it look like?"
"Well, son, before sex it looks like a beautiful unopened rose."
"Wow, what does it look like after sex?"
"Well, son, have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonaise?"
lol, these are all so good...ill put in my two cents...
4 guys go to heaven. god asks the first guy, "how many times did you cheat on your wife?" the first man answers, "5 times." god then says, "okay" and awards him with a 1985 honda civic. god then asks the second guy the same question, "how many times did u cheat on your wife?" the second guy replies, "3 times." god then says "not bad" and gives him a brand new toyota camry. the third guy is then asked the same question and replies, "only once." god says, "good" and gives him a nice new mercedes benz. and finally the last guy is asked by god "how many times have u cheated on your wife?" the guy then replies. "0 times"...the lord is impressed and gives him the most expensive rolls royce limousine with a driver. so, after that the 4th guy is being driven down the street in heaven sipping fine champagne. he rolls down his window to get some fresh air and then sees his wife rolling buy on a tricycle.....
4 guys go to heaven. god asks the first guy, "how many times did you cheat on your wife?" the first man answers, "5 times." god then says, "okay" and awards him with a 1985 honda civic. god then asks the second guy the same question, "how many times did u cheat on your wife?" the second guy replies, "3 times." god then says "not bad" and gives him a brand new toyota camry. the third guy is then asked the same question and replies, "only once." god says, "good" and gives him a nice new mercedes benz. and finally the last guy is asked by god "how many times have u cheated on your wife?" the guy then replies. "0 times"...the lord is impressed and gives him the most expensive rolls royce limousine with a driver. so, after that the 4th guy is being driven down the street in heaven sipping fine champagne. he rolls down his window to get some fresh air and then sees his wife rolling buy on a tricycle.....
second one.
a guy dies and goes to hell. the devil then tells him that he has to choose from 1 of 3 rooms to spend eternity in. he opens up the first room and sees people chained up while being whipped and beaten with scary looking objects. he opens up the second room and sees people standing in the room with shit up to their knees. and finally he looks into the last room and sees people hanging upside down in a pit of fire. the devil then asks him, "well, so what'll it be?" the man then replies, "well, i guess i have to choose the second room. it didn't seem as bad as the other two." the devil then replies, "very well." the man then makes his way into the room full of shit and stands there for awhile until he hears the devil's voice over the microphone saying, "alright everybody, on your heads!!"
a guy dies and goes to hell. the devil then tells him that he has to choose from 1 of 3 rooms to spend eternity in. he opens up the first room and sees people chained up while being whipped and beaten with scary looking objects. he opens up the second room and sees people standing in the room with shit up to their knees. and finally he looks into the last room and sees people hanging upside down in a pit of fire. the devil then asks him, "well, so what'll it be?" the man then replies, "well, i guess i have to choose the second room. it didn't seem as bad as the other two." the devil then replies, "very well." the man then makes his way into the room full of shit and stands there for awhile until he hears the devil's voice over the microphone saying, "alright everybody, on your heads!!"
Various crappy eng. statements of filipinos
"Well well well. Look do we have here!"
"It's a no-win-win situation."
"Burn the bridge when you get there."
"Anulled and void."
"Mute and academic."
"C'mon let's join us!"
"If worse comes to shove."
"Are you joking my leg?"
"It's not my problem anymore, it's your problem anymore."
"You can never can tell."
"Been there, been that."
"Forget it about it."
"Give him the benefit of the daw."
"It's a blessing in the sky."
"Right there and right then."
"Where'd you came from?"
"Take things first at a time."
"You're barking at the wrong dog."
"You want to have your cake and bake it too."
"First and for all."
"Now and there."
"I'm only human nature."
"The sky's the langit."
"That's what I'm talking about it."
"One of these days is not like the other."
"So far, so good, so far."
"Time is of the elements."
"In the wink of an eye."
"The feeling is actual."
"For all intense and purposes."
"I ran into some errands."
"Hi. I'm , what's yours?"
"What is the world is coming to?"
"What is the next that is?"
"Get the most of both worlds."
"Whatever you say so."
"Base-to-base casis."
"My answers have been prayered."
"Please me alone!"
'It's as brand as new."
"So... what's a beautiful girl like you?...."
"I can't take it anymore of this!"
"Can't you just cut me some slacks?"
another more :beaten: :mrgreen:
1. I couldn't care a damn!
2. What's your next class before this? (NANI???!!!)
3. Nothing in this world is perfect except the word "change"
4. Can you repeat that for the second time around once more from
the top? (lets repeat it until we die :mrgreen: !)
5. My dad brought home a lot of hand-me-downs!
6. Standard and Chartered Bank
7. I'm very iterated!!!
8. I'm sorry, my boss just passed away.
9. Hello, my boss is out of town. Would you like to wait?
10. What happened after the erection of Mayon Volcano?
11. Don't touch me not!
12. Hello?... For a while, please hang yourself...
13. Its spilled milk under the bridge.
14. Don't change anything! Keep it at ease.
15. Hello McDo? i would like to inquire on the price of kidney
meal? (i think it's kiddie meal)
16. You!!! You're not a boy anymore! You're a man anymore! (coach?!
coach?!)
17. i'm out of fit these days eh...
18. Come, lets join us!
19. Bring down the house down!
20. I'm the world champion of the World!!!
21. Beneath the Belt!
22. Rule of Hand... (i thin k it's a thumb)
23. Can you repeat it once again?
24. looks like haggard-looking.
25. Do you have more brighter ideas?
"Well well well. Look do we have here!"
"It's a no-win-win situation."
"Burn the bridge when you get there."
"Anulled and void."
"Mute and academic."
"C'mon let's join us!"
"If worse comes to shove."
"Are you joking my leg?"
"It's not my problem anymore, it's your problem anymore."
"You can never can tell."
"Been there, been that."
"Forget it about it."
"Give him the benefit of the daw."
"It's a blessing in the sky."
"Right there and right then."
"Where'd you came from?"
"Take things first at a time."
"You're barking at the wrong dog."
"You want to have your cake and bake it too."
"First and for all."
"Now and there."
"I'm only human nature."
"The sky's the langit."
"That's what I'm talking about it."
"One of these days is not like the other."
"So far, so good, so far."
"Time is of the elements."
"In the wink of an eye."
"The feeling is actual."
"For all intense and purposes."
"I ran into some errands."
"Hi. I'm , what's yours?"
"What is the world is coming to?"
"What is the next that is?"
"Get the most of both worlds."
"Whatever you say so."
"Base-to-base casis."
"My answers have been prayered."
"Please me alone!"
'It's as brand as new."
"So... what's a beautiful girl like you?...."
"I can't take it anymore of this!"
"Can't you just cut me some slacks?"
another more :beaten: :mrgreen:
1. I couldn't care a damn!
2. What's your next class before this? (NANI???!!!)
3. Nothing in this world is perfect except the word "change"
4. Can you repeat that for the second time around once more from
the top? (lets repeat it until we die :mrgreen: !)
5. My dad brought home a lot of hand-me-downs!
6. Standard and Chartered Bank
7. I'm very iterated!!!
8. I'm sorry, my boss just passed away.
9. Hello, my boss is out of town. Would you like to wait?
10. What happened after the erection of Mayon Volcano?
11. Don't touch me not!
12. Hello?... For a while, please hang yourself...
13. Its spilled milk under the bridge.
14. Don't change anything! Keep it at ease.
15. Hello McDo? i would like to inquire on the price of kidney
meal? (i think it's kiddie meal)
16. You!!! You're not a boy anymore! You're a man anymore! (coach?!
coach?!)
17. i'm out of fit these days eh...
18. Come, lets join us!
19. Bring down the house down!
20. I'm the world champion of the World!!!
21. Beneath the Belt!
22. Rule of Hand... (i thin k it's a thumb)
23. Can you repeat it once again?
24. looks like haggard-looking.
25. Do you have more brighter ideas?
Family Problems?
Two men met at a bus stop and struck up a conversation.
One of them kept complaining of family problems.
Finally, the other man said: "You think you have family problems? Listen
my situation."
"A few years ago, I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter. We got
married and I got myself a stepdaughter. Later, my father married my
stepdaughter. That made my stepdaughter, my step-mother.
And my father became my stepson. Also, my wife became mother-in-law of her
father-in-law."
"Much later the daughter of my wife, my stepmother, had a son.
This boy was my half-brother because he was my father's son. But he was
also the son of my wife's daughter which made him my wife's grand-son.
That made me the grand-father of my half-brother."
"This was nothing until my wife and I had a son. Now the half-sister of my
son, my stepmother, is also the Grandmother. This makes my father, the
brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is my father's wife, I am my
stepmother's brother-in-law, my wife is her own child's aunt, my son is my
father's nephew & I am my OWN GRANDFATHER!"
"And you think you have FAMILY PROBLEMS!?"
Two men met at a bus stop and struck up a conversation.
One of them kept complaining of family problems.
Finally, the other man said: "You think you have family problems? Listen
my situation."
"A few years ago, I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter. We got
married and I got myself a stepdaughter. Later, my father married my
stepdaughter. That made my stepdaughter, my step-mother.
And my father became my stepson. Also, my wife became mother-in-law of her
father-in-law."
"Much later the daughter of my wife, my stepmother, had a son.
This boy was my half-brother because he was my father's son. But he was
also the son of my wife's daughter which made him my wife's grand-son.
That made me the grand-father of my half-brother."
"This was nothing until my wife and I had a son. Now the half-sister of my
son, my stepmother, is also the Grandmother. This makes my father, the
brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is my father's wife, I am my
stepmother's brother-in-law, my wife is her own child's aunt, my son is my
father's nephew & I am my OWN GRANDFATHER!"
"And you think you have FAMILY PROBLEMS!?"
[quote="ahochaude"]The Irate Customer
For all of you out there who've had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you. It's a classic! In tribute to those 'special' customers we all love! quote]
Sorry I am a little late joining this discussion. Loved this joke Aho-chan.
For all of you out there who've had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you. It's a classic! In tribute to those 'special' customers we all love! quote]
Sorry I am a little late joining this discussion. Loved this joke Aho-chan.
North Korean school
- Hye Gyong - asks the teacher - tell me an animal that gives milk.
- The cow, teacher.
- Good! Yong Sam, tell me another animal that gives milk.
- The goat.
- Excellent. Ki Hyok, another animal that gives milk.
- The dead pig.
- WHAT? - says the schoolmarm - Where did you get that?
- Well, everytime I ask Mom for milk, she's always saying "We don't have at the moment, sonny, we have to wait until the Pig dies."
- Hye Gyong - asks the teacher - tell me an animal that gives milk.
- The cow, teacher.
- Good! Yong Sam, tell me another animal that gives milk.
- The goat.
- Excellent. Ki Hyok, another animal that gives milk.
- The dead pig.
- WHAT? - says the schoolmarm - Where did you get that?
- Well, everytime I ask Mom for milk, she's always saying "We don't have at the moment, sonny, we have to wait until the Pig dies."
Lol ! i just did the hell test from page 1, i'm enjoying my life to the max, border line of being a public danger ! :twisted: hmmm, i guess it's about right ^^ i don't hold off very much and i try as many things as i can.
A father asks his 10-year-old son if he knows about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know!", the child says, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me!"
Confused, the father asks, "What's wrong?"
"Oh Dad!", the boy sobs, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Santa speech'. At seven, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny speech'. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Tooth Fairy speech'. If you're going to tell me that grownups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."
:applaud: :applaud: :applaud: :applaud: :applaud: :applaud: :applaud: :applaud: :applaud:
"I don't want to know!", the child says, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me!"
Confused, the father asks, "What's wrong?"
"Oh Dad!", the boy sobs, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Santa speech'. At seven, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny speech'. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Tooth Fairy speech'. If you're going to tell me that grownups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."
:applaud: :applaud: :applaud: :applaud: :applaud: :applaud: :applaud: :applaud: :applaud:
I've been reading about the many harmful effects of smoking so I decided to give up reading. :sweat:
RedRum wrote:I've been reading about the many harmful effects of smoking so I decided to give up reading. :sweat:
u should give up smoking :grumble:
Reading causes eye cancer. It's true! Stop reading this you moron!
:notell:
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