Wynter wrote:A female life form on planet earth that appears to be extinct now. [/list:u]
Ano... what's a house wife? :beaten:
Jokes/Humor Thread
Started by Michi · 13 Nov 2003 · 828 replies
General Discussion
gaijinmark wrote: A female life form on planet earth that appears to be extinct now. [/list:u]
Despite what I said above, Mrs A.D. would kill to be a housewife.... rather than a working mum...
A winner from A-Dad: http://jdorama.com/viewtopic.php?p=634993#634993 :hehe: :hehe:
:WARNING: This joke may make guys bend over in pain
A boy is taking a shower one day and goes to his dad. He points to his dick and says "daddy whats this"
"thats your firetruck son. You need to put it in as many fire stations as possible"
~*~*~SAME TIME DIFFERENT HOUSE~*~*~
A girl goes to her mother and says "Mommy whats this" pointing between her legs
"Thats your fire station. You dont want any boys to put their fire trucks in"
Now it turns out that they are in the same class in school
The boy goes to the girl "Can I put my fire truck in your fire station?
"No" the girl says
An hour later "can I put my fire truck in your firestation?"
"No" the girl replies again
A couple hours later "Can I put my fire truck in your fire station?"
"No" the girl says
After school the mother picks up her daughter "did anything interesting happen in school today?"
"A boy asked to put his fire truck in my fire station" the girl says
"And what did you do" The mother asked
"I ripped his wheels off" The girl says :shocked: :rofl:
A boy is taking a shower one day and goes to his dad. He points to his dick and says "daddy whats this"
"thats your firetruck son. You need to put it in as many fire stations as possible"
~*~*~SAME TIME DIFFERENT HOUSE~*~*~
A girl goes to her mother and says "Mommy whats this" pointing between her legs
"Thats your fire station. You dont want any boys to put their fire trucks in"
Now it turns out that they are in the same class in school
The boy goes to the girl "Can I put my fire truck in your fire station?
"No" the girl says
An hour later "can I put my fire truck in your firestation?"
"No" the girl replies again
A couple hours later "Can I put my fire truck in your fire station?"
"No" the girl says
After school the mother picks up her daughter "did anything interesting happen in school today?"
"A boy asked to put his fire truck in my fire station" the girl says
"And what did you do" The mother asked
"I ripped his wheels off" The girl says :shocked: :rofl:
A guy and his wife were reading the evening paper.
She said there is an advert here for a pedigree Alsatian dog 50 pounds
He said it must be a misprint they are 10 times that much.
But he called and the lady who answered said that the price was correct so he went to have a look at the dog
The dog was sitting by the fire and he was a beauty
"Only 50 pounds are you sure he is a pedigree" the man said
"Oh! Yes" said the lady "why don't you ask him, he is such a high class pedigree he speaks English all the time and a few words of French"
The dog looked at the man and said
"Why don't you clear off and leave me alone, I get 2 hours by this fire every day and I don't want some bloke bothering me while I am sitting here.
I heard you ask if I was a pedigree, well my Dad was top show dog for 3 years running, my Mom was a Super bitch 4 years running. I have three sisters and two brothers we have won that many trophies our owners had to have a house extension to put them in.
I was taken into the drug squad when I was 3 years old and found over 4,000,000 pounds of Heroin and Cannabis in just 12 months, later I was working for the bomb squad and found two bombs, Finally as a rescue dog I saved lives all over the world and now I am retired with a pension"
"Wow" said the man "why do you want to get rid of this dog"
"Because he's a Bloody liar," said the woman
She said there is an advert here for a pedigree Alsatian dog 50 pounds
He said it must be a misprint they are 10 times that much.
But he called and the lady who answered said that the price was correct so he went to have a look at the dog
The dog was sitting by the fire and he was a beauty
"Only 50 pounds are you sure he is a pedigree" the man said
"Oh! Yes" said the lady "why don't you ask him, he is such a high class pedigree he speaks English all the time and a few words of French"
The dog looked at the man and said
"Why don't you clear off and leave me alone, I get 2 hours by this fire every day and I don't want some bloke bothering me while I am sitting here.
I heard you ask if I was a pedigree, well my Dad was top show dog for 3 years running, my Mom was a Super bitch 4 years running. I have three sisters and two brothers we have won that many trophies our owners had to have a house extension to put them in.
I was taken into the drug squad when I was 3 years old and found over 4,000,000 pounds of Heroin and Cannabis in just 12 months, later I was working for the bomb squad and found two bombs, Finally as a rescue dog I saved lives all over the world and now I am retired with a pension"
"Wow" said the man "why do you want to get rid of this dog"
"Because he's a Bloody liar," said the woman
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things
people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by
court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were
actually taking place.
_______________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
__________________________________________________ __________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was getting laid!
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a
different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to
rephrase that?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy
on him!
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
________________________________________________
--- And the best for last: ---
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by
court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were
actually taking place.
_______________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
__________________________________________________ __________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was getting laid!
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a
different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to
rephrase that?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy
on him!
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
________________________________________________
--- And the best for last: ---
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
kenjilina wrote:These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things
people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by
court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were
actually taking place.
LOL! These are funny until you realize that they're actual statements by real people. Then it just becomes sad. :rofl:
No, they are still hilarious! Makes you wonder who is dumber - the witness or the lawyer.
What do you call 200 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start :)
What do you call 200 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start :)
crazy british law!
1. It is illegal for a cab in the City of London to carry rabid dogs or corpses.
2. It is illegal to die in the Houses of Parliament.
3. It is an act of treason to place a postage stamp bearing the British monarch upside down.
4. Royal Navy ships that enter the Port of London must provide a barrel of rum to the Constable of the Tower of London.
5. In the UK, a pregnant woman can legally relieve herself anywhere she wants – even, if she so requests, in a policemanfs helmet.
6. In Lancashire, no person is permitted after being asked to stop by a constable on the seashore to incite a dog to bark.
7. In England, all men over the age of 14 must carry out two hours of longbow practice a day.
8. In London, Freemen are allowed to take a flock of sheep across London Bridge without being charged a toll; they are also allowed to drive geese down Cheapside.
9. In the UK, a man who feels compelled to urinate in public can do so only if he aims for his rear wheel and keeps his right hand on his vehicle.
10. In Chester, Welshmen are banned from entering the city before sunrise and from staying after sunset.
11. In the city of York, it is legal to murder a Scotsman within the ancient city walls, but only if he is carrying a bow and arrow.
12. In London, it is illegal to flag down a taxi if you have the plague.
13. The head of any dead whale found on the British coast is legally the property of the King; the tail, on the other hand, belongs to the Queen - in case she needs the bones for her corset.
1. It is illegal for a cab in the City of London to carry rabid dogs or corpses.
2. It is illegal to die in the Houses of Parliament.
3. It is an act of treason to place a postage stamp bearing the British monarch upside down.
4. Royal Navy ships that enter the Port of London must provide a barrel of rum to the Constable of the Tower of London.
5. In the UK, a pregnant woman can legally relieve herself anywhere she wants – even, if she so requests, in a policemanfs helmet.
6. In Lancashire, no person is permitted after being asked to stop by a constable on the seashore to incite a dog to bark.
7. In England, all men over the age of 14 must carry out two hours of longbow practice a day.
8. In London, Freemen are allowed to take a flock of sheep across London Bridge without being charged a toll; they are also allowed to drive geese down Cheapside.
9. In the UK, a man who feels compelled to urinate in public can do so only if he aims for his rear wheel and keeps his right hand on his vehicle.
10. In Chester, Welshmen are banned from entering the city before sunrise and from staying after sunset.
11. In the city of York, it is legal to murder a Scotsman within the ancient city walls, but only if he is carrying a bow and arrow.
12. In London, it is illegal to flag down a taxi if you have the plague.
13. The head of any dead whale found on the British coast is legally the property of the King; the tail, on the other hand, belongs to the Queen - in case she needs the bones for her corset.
kenjilina wrote:crazy british law!
:dotdotdot:
:rofl:
Quite funny. A little outdated perhaps? I don't really get why the right hand on car for #9 makes it ok. :sweat:
Quite funny. A little outdated perhaps? I don't really get why the right hand on car for #9 makes it ok. :sweat:
A young woman goes to hospital to give birth. The baby boy is duly delivered, but then the doctor realises the little boy has been born without eyelids.
Doctor: Never mind, we'll just circumcise him, and use the foreskin to make eyelids.
Mother: You can't do that! He'll be cockeyed!
Doctor: Maybe, but just think of the foresight he'll have...
:hehe:
Doctor: Never mind, we'll just circumcise him, and use the foreskin to make eyelids.
Mother: You can't do that! He'll be cockeyed!
Doctor: Maybe, but just think of the foresight he'll have...
:hehe:
Dear Abby,
I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what
could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some time now that my
wife has been cheating on me.
The usual signs, phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My
wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I
ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't
know them."
I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always
walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, as if she
has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a
taxi?
I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she
went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and
why was I checking up on her.
Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep
down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out
again and I decided to really check on her.
I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson motorcycle next to the
garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole
street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my
Harley that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be
leaking a little oil.
So, whadda ya think? Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer??
I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what
could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some time now that my
wife has been cheating on me.
The usual signs, phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My
wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I
ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't
know them."
I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always
walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, as if she
has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a
taxi?
I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she
went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and
why was I checking up on her.
Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep
down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out
again and I decided to really check on her.
I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson motorcycle next to the
garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole
street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my
Harley that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be
leaking a little oil.
So, whadda ya think? Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer??
not sure if u all hav heard about this one
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:
"Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check.
Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?
Sincerely,
Edna"
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read,
"Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those bastards at the Post Office.
sincerely,
Edna
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:
"Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check.
Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?
Sincerely,
Edna"
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read,
"Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those bastards at the Post Office.
sincerely,
Edna
m0m0e wrote:By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those bastards at the Post Office.
sincerely,
Edna
LOL! That was great! :rofl: :rofl:
hilarious. :hehe:
Here's one of many: http://jdorama.com/viewtopic.1822.htm
Wynter wrote:
LOL! That was great! :rofl: :rofl:
Personally I found it a little sad - a good deed was being negated by a geriatric believer in the Lord. Are we now discouraging good deeds, or dissing octogenaric Christians (Catholics)?
thtl wrote:
Personally I found it a little sad - a good deed was being negated by a geriatric believer in the Lord. Are we now discouraging good deeds, or dissing octogenaric Christians (Catholics)?
Neither. Sometimes it's not one or the other, but rather the mirth behind the misunderstanding.
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :hehe: :hehe: :hehe:
these jokes had me rolling ans tears comming out my eyes it
was that funny
these jokes had me rolling ans tears comming out my eyes it
was that funny
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