Jokes/Humor Thread

More like restrooms in NA!

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tabana wrote:A stupid newspaper classifieds joke.

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that's not stupid. it's ok to me. :hehe:

kenjilina wrote:

that's not stupid. it's ok to me. :hehe:

LOL! I thought it was funny...

Maybe I should try to post it in the newspaper and see what comes up. :P

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy
nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So he tied her up and went golfing.

**************************************************

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the
house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey,
pack your bags. I won the lottery!"

The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain
stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."

**************************************************

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the
other is a husband.

**************************************************

A Polish immigrant went to the DVLA to apply for a driver's license.

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him
a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

**************************************************

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,

"I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."


"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."

**************************************************
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need
more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going
to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when
you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST
your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt
them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I
don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like
when I'm driving."

***************************************************

kenjilina wrote:Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the
other is a husband.

:lol:

They're all classics! :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

Yup. My favorite would be the one Wynter picked up. It made me laugh out loud. :hehe:

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem.

I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."



What do they say?" the priest inquired.



They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"



"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment.



"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male

talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your

two lady parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Frank

and Jacob. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your

parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time."



Thank you," the woman responded, "This may very well be the solution."



The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.



As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their

cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and

placed her parrots in with them.



After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're

hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"



There was stunned silence.



Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed,

"Put the beads away Frank, Our prayers have been answered."



.

WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, only "down under."

:naughty:

Of course ken ;)

kenjilina wrote:WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, only "down under."

:naughty:

MY GOODNESS!

:lol:

Keep 'em coming. :mrgreen: I mean the jokes :P


Here's another stupid one I stumble upon. It's not new tho.
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For the Starbucks fans.

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I spent 4 years in the Navy, and today I was going thru some old stuff and I ran across this item I cut out of a technical manual about airplane navigation systems. You are reading it WORD FOR WORD as it appears in the manual. Hopefully, this will give you some insight into why the military is so screwed up: "How does the computer know where it is at all times?" It knows this because it knows where it isn't. By subtracting where it is from where it isn't (or where it isn't from where it is, whichever is greater) it obtains a differenece, or deviation. The internal guidance system (autopilot) uses deviations to generate corrective commands to take the airplane from a position where it is to a position where it isn't. The airplane arrives at position where it wasn't, consequently the position where it was is now the position where it isn't. [/list:u] In the event the position where it is now is not the same as the position where it originally wasn't the system will acquire a variation, the variation being the difference between where the airplane is and where the airplane wasn't. [/list:u] Moreover, the airplane must now know where it was. The "thought process" of the computer is as follows: Because a variation has modified the information which the computer obtained, it is not sure where it is. However, it is sure where it isn't and it knows where it should be from where it wasn't (or vice versa) and by differentiating this from the algebraic difference between where it should't be and where it was, it is able to obtain the true difference between its variation and it deviation, this difference being called "error." [/list:u]

It's good to know the US Navy is an equal opportunity employer - they obviously hire people with serious brain damage to write manuals. :hehe:

This is an actual extract from a Home Economics textbook printed in the early 60fs – gThe Good Wife Guideh

Have dinner ready.

Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready on time for his return from work. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favourite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed.

Prepare yourself.

Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work weary people. Be a little gay (!) and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it. Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before he arrives. Gather up school books, toys papers etc and then run a dust cloth over the furniture. During the colder months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. He will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order and it will give you a lift too. After all catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.

Minimise all noise.

At the time of his arrival eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to stay quiet.

Be happy to see him.

Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him. Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but at the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first, remember his topics of conversation are more important than yours.

Make the evening his.

Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner or other places of entertainment without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be relaxed at home. Try to make sure your home is a place of peace, order and tranquillity where he can renew himself in body and spirit. Donft greet him with complaints and problems. Donft complain if hefs late home for dinner, or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day, make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange the pillow and offer to take off his shoes.

Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice. Donft ask him questions about his actions or question his judgement or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness.

Once he has had chance to have his evening meal, clean the dishes and wash up promptly. If he should offer to help, decline his offer as may feel obliged to repeat this offer and after a long working day he does not need the extra work. Encourage him to pursue his hobbies and if you have any little hobbies yourself try not to bore him by speaking to him of them as womenfs interests are often trivial compared to menfs.

At the end of the evening, tidy the home ready for the morning and again think ahead to his breakfast needs. Your husbandfs breakfast is vital if he is to face the world in a positive fashion.

The Bedroom

Once you have both retired to the bedroom, prepare yourself for bed as promptly as possible. Whilst feminine hygiene is of the utmost importance your tired husband does not want to queue for the bathroom, but remember to look your best when going to bed.

Try to achieve a look that is welcoming without being obvious. If you need to apply face cream or rollers wait until he is asleep as can be left until last thing at night.

Relations

When it comes to the possibility of having relations with your husband it is important to remember your marriage vows and in particular your commitment to obey him. If he feels that he needs to sleep immediately afterwards then so be it. In all things be lead by your husbandfs wishes, do not pressure him in any way to stimulate intimacy.

Should you husband suggest intercourse then accede humbly all the while being mindful that a manfs satisfaction is more important than a womanfs. When he reaches his moment of fulfilment a small moan from yourself is encouraging to him and quite sufficient to indicate any enjoyment that you may have had. Should your husband suggest any of the more unusual practices be obedient and uncomplaining but register any reluctance by remaining silent. It is likely that your husband will then fall promptly asleep so adjust your clothing, freshen up and apply your night time face and hair care products.

You may then set the alarm so that you can arise shortly before him in the morning. This will enable you to have his morning cup of tea ready when he awakes.

You didn't specify - was that 1760's or 1860's ???

Where can I get a copy of that handbook? I may leave it on Mrs A.D's pillow :mrgreen:

Only if I have a death wish...

kenjilina wrote:This is an actual extract from a Home Economics textbook printed in the early 60fs | gThe Good Wife Guideh.

Ano... what's a house wife? :beaten: