Jokes/Humor Thread

kenjilina wrote:These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things
people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by
court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were
actually taking place.

_______________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
__________________________________________________ __________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was getting laid!
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a
different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to
rephrase that?
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy
on him!
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
________________________________________________
--- And the best for last: ---

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

these were the best man
i couldn't stop laughing :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :hehe: :hehe: :hehe: :hehe: :hehe: :rofl: :lol:

The Bathtub Test
> >
> >
> > It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time,
> >and this should help get you started.
> >
> >
> > During a visit to the mental hospital, a visitor asked the Director
> >what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be
> >admitted.
> >
> > "Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
> >teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty
> >the bathtub."
> >
> > "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the
> >bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
> >
> > "No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Would
> >you like a bed near the window?"

""5 Facts in d World ........ nice facts

Fact 1: You cannot touch all your teeth with your tongue;

Fact 2: After reading the first fact, all fools try it.

Fact 3: Fact1 is false Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha.......... ........

Fact 4: Now u are laughing !!! bcoz u became a fool !!!

Fact 5: you want to fool ur friends also..

i got those two from a email
i though that they were funny :hehe: :hehe: :hehe:

An old story...

A doctor brags that he can make a super washing machine in a convention, then his acquaintances dare him to make the new machine in the next convention...

After a year passed...

The doctor who bragged the latter year then show up with his invention...
Then he tries to make the machine work after he plug in the washing machine...

The machine does work fast and cheap as its supporting ideal for mother who has many things that have to work in a time...

The other doctor who curious of the machine, then opened the machine, and what he found is the doctor who only has a lamp inside the washing machine, along with a hair dryer and steam machine to make the clothes all in a good looking...

The doctor ask him, what then you have done this one year???
He answered, how to make the hair dryer works fast, the steam works and the how to lie to you all...

Hanzo21 wrote:Quite frankly, I don't think there's anything more important or significant or worthwhile to do in Japan than to see AKB48 live in their home theater.

Joke of the year, folks.

bmwracer wrote:
Joke of the year, folks.

A very scary, unfunny one, at that. :shakehead:

Wynter wrote:A very scary, unfunny one, at that. :shakehead:

Yeah, that's true as well. :bleh:

A warning to all men:

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you.

Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 19-year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping items into the trunk.

They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts.

It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot.

You agree and they both climb in the passenger seat, one sitting on the other's lap.

On the way, they start kissing each other ...

Then one of them turns to you to perform the nasty with you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen March 11th, 13th, twice on the 15th, on the 17th, 20th, April 3rd, 7th, 16th, two times just yesterday, and very likely again this upcoming weekend as soon as I can buy some more wallets.

Just a friendly warning.

Anime Dad wrote:A warning to all men:

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you.

Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 19-year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping items into the trunk.

They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts.

It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot.

You agree and they both climb in the passenger seat, one sitting on the other's lap.

On the way, they start kissing each other ...

Then one of them turns to you to perform the nasty with you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen March 11th, 13th, twice on the 15th, on the 17th, 20th, April 3rd, 7th, 16th, two times just yesterday, and very likely again this upcoming weekend as soon as I can buy some more wallets.

Just a friendly warning.

Don't let Mrs. A-D sees this or you'll be banned from shopping alone for the forseeable future. :hehe:

Anime Dad wrote:A warning to all men:

:applaud:

funny!

thtl wrote:

Don't let Mrs. A-D sees this or you'll be banned from shopping alone for the forseeable future. :hehe:

:rofl: I have no money anyhow :P

bmwracer wrote:
Yeah, that's true as well. :bleh:

yup.

Anime Dad wrote:

:rofl: I have no money anyhow :P

You can print a whole bunch of money with your home computer and printer. Just substitute the image of whichever Aussie forefather on the 'banknote' with that of your avatar. :mrgreen:

One Chinese person walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg. As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.
Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbor, get out of here."
The astonished Chinese man replied "It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbor , it was the Japanese".
"Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.
In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says "You sank the Titanic; my forefathers were on that ship."
Shocked, Spielberg replies "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me."
The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same."

This particular joke won an award for the best joke in a competition in Britain .

one of my fav!!taken from other forum...

(if you guys are familiar with these people/characters, they're taken from some of their well-know phrases/saying)..some of 'em are quite amusing..


DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that
he must first deal with the problem on "THIS" side of the road before it
goes after the problem on the "OTHER SIDE" of the road. What we need to do
is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his "CURRENT"
problems before adding "NEW" problems.


OPRAH: Well I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why
he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn
from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to
give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not
live his life like the rest of the chickens.


GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We
just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The
chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.


DONALD RUMSFELD: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the
satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.


ANDERSON COOPER/CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.


JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now
against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the
chicken's intentions. I am for it now, and will remain against it.


JUDGE JUDY: That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see
it in his eyes and the way he walks.


PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.


MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was
going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when
the price dropped to a certain level.


DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been t old.


ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain. Alone.


JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain
truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side."
That's why they call it the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is
gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we
boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal
media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side."
That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and
simple as that!


GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.
Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.


BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be
listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story
of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish
its lif e long dream of crossing the road.


JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together
- in peace.


ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road


BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2006, which will not only cross
roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your
check book. Internet explorer is an integral part of eChicken. The
Platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^( C \..... reboot.


ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road
move beneath the chicken?


BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your
definition of chicken?


AL GORE: I invented the chicken

m0m0e wrote:One Chinese person walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg. As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.
Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbor, get out of here."
The astonished Chinese man replied "It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbor , it was the Japanese".
"Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.
In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says "You sank the Titanic; my forefathers were on that ship."
Shocked, Spielberg replies "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me."
The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same."

This particular joke won an award for the best joke in a competition in Britain .

That one is brilliant

m0m0e wrote:
BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2006, which will not only cross
roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your
check book. Internet explorer is an integral part of eChicken. The
Platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^( C \..... reboot.

All very funny, but this is the best ;)

my fav is this one!!!

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain
truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side."
That's why they call it the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is
gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we
boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal
media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side."
That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and
simple as that!

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

m0m0e wrote:ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road

This one actually made me laugh out loud. Dunno why.