In Juinichi's bedroom that night
Juinichi locked himself up in his room. He hadn’t turned on the lights, nor did he bothered to shut his windows. He didn’t even bother to change his clothes and was lying on the bed with his eyes wide open.
She…she was dead. These thoughts had been hunting him since that afternoon. How could it be when only a few days ago I was talking with her? She didn't sound so fine but it was her at the other end of the line. She who had been his support since the very beginning. She who lent her shoulders whenever he felt like giving up and crying. She who had treated him like a human and not a celebrity. That moment, he felt like running away again but couldn't. He knew that no one would look for him the way that she did.
He was still laying awake, pillow wet from crying, eyes sore from continuous flow of tears that never seemed to run dry. His mobile phone rang and eagerly, he sat up and answered it, secretly hoping that it would be her and that she would clear the news and tell him it was a nasty joke and they would both laugh it off.
"Hello??" he answered enthusiastically.
"Juinichi!! You're awake!! This is Go. I was so worried about you. Are you alright?. Hello? Juinichi?" Before he could even continue, Juinichi cut the line and sank deeper into his own depressed state.
The room seemed smaller yet colder. He could see the sky from where he laid and wondered why there were no stars. For a moment, he reminisced the times when they would both spend the night in her apartment’s rooftop, watching the fireworks lit up the night sky with different colors and shapes. He closed his eyes and clasped both his hands together. “I know I’ve never been a prayer, but please, whoever is listening. I beg you…please bring her back to me.” He whispered.
Tap…tap…tap. He opened his eyes and saw that the fireworks were gone. They were but mere illusions after all. Instead, the rain started pouring, first gently then heavier and heavier. Making it seem as if the heaven was mourning along with him. This made him even gloomier and slowly started to succumb to the call of the slumber.
The next day, he found himself on the rooftop of her apartment. He gazed out into the distance sighed softly, tears rolling down his cheeks. Suddenly, his mobile rang. He had made a vow yesterday never to answer anyone and was about to reject the call when he realized the name on the screen.
"Hello?" he answered with uncertainty. His heart pounding loudly in his chest.
"Why are you crying?" said the person on the other line whom he recognized instantly. His heart started to beat faster. "Oh my God…is that you? I thought…I thought they told me…you were dead"
"I'm dead? Ha! That's just a prank we played on you. I knew you'd believe it!!" she teased.
"But….but." grasping the idea, he gave out a smile. "How dare you! Don't you ever do that to me again!! You scared me to death!! Don't come near me or I’ll kick you!" and giggled with relief. She's alive. "Where are you anyway?" he asked, palms sweating with anticipation.
"Why are you wearing red again? Didn't I tell you it doesn't suit you?" she said without answering his question. "And have I told you many times that you should shave everyday to keep yourself from looking like a monster?”
Realizing that he was being watched by her, he started to looked around to and found her leaning against the wall near the door. "Why won't you wipe your tears already? No need to be sad. I'm here. And by the way, you owe me lunch.” She told him, ending the call and winking at him
Juinichi was too happy beyond words and hugged her as tight as he could. "Don't you ever do that again, OK? I mean it." He gently tweaked her nose and planted a kiss on her forehead.
They both sat at the platform and started joking around. "You know Juinichi, ever since we met, my life has changed tremendously.” She said suddenly, turning serious. “Have you ever wondered how life would be if we never met?” she asked, looking at him.
Juinichi shook his head. “Don’t…don’t ever say that.” He told her and reached out to hug her but only touched air. Suddenly, he sat up on his bed, breathing heavily. He was just dreaming.
The next day.
Go rang Juinichi’s doorbell and the door opened almost instantly. He found himself looking at a zombie and was instantly worried about his friend.
“Junichi….are you ready?” he asked, dressed in his black suit and had his hair neatly combed back.
Juinichi nodded and followed Go out the door. On the way to the wake, Juinichi was yet again lost in her own world. The car windows were opened and the wind was blowing against his face. He wasn't even crying, just looking real sad and in disbelief, and somehow in denial of what was happening.
It took them half an hour before they got out of the car when they arrived at the funerary. Go waited patiently for Juinichi to make the first move and stayed with him inside the vehicle. After what seemed to be an eternity, he quietly got out of the car and Go quickly followed.
Outside the door, there were dozens of flowers from people whose identities did not matter to Juinichi. His eyes was trained on the oak brown coffin inside. He noticed Masa, Ken, Inocchi and Hiroshi sitting on the chairs near the coffin, looking solemn.
He walked down the walkway, people whispering and sobbing quietly seemed to be a in a distant. As if like a magnet being pulled, he approached the casket awaiting for him at the end of the walkway. It seemed so far, but it was just a few meters from where he was standing.
Holding a single red tulip, one which he picked out at their garden himself, he strode forward, his footsteps soft and unheard. He was shaking uncontrollably. Time seemed to stop as he placed the flower on the casket. He looked up and saw her portrait smiling down at him. The same gentle smile she always had on her face when she spoke to him, that brown warm eyes he could stare into for hours.
He touched the cool oak and leaned forward slightly. “Tell me this is only a dream. Jump up and tell me this is a joke. I promise I’ll forgive you. I promise I won’t be mad…just…open your eyes again.” Juinichi whispered desperately.
But despite his pleas, her eyes remained closed. His tears slid down his cheeks and onto her clear and smooth one. This felt unreal, as if it was purely fiction, a dream. He reached into the casket and touched her hands. It was cold.
It was only then, realization hit him in the face. She was dead. “Why?” he whispered anguishly. “Why didn’t you tell me? Why didn’t you allow me to come to you? Why didn’t you let me be by your side? You’re so unfair and cruel for leaving me this way. You promised me you’ll always be with me….”
Juinichi only stopped when he felt someone touched his shoulders. “Let’s go take a seat.” Ken said gently, leading him to the corner.
Hiroshi and Masa came up to him and sat down in the empty seat. “How are you doing?” Masa asked but Juinichi simply stared at him, without even blinking, as if to say ‘What do you expect me to say? Please just leave me alone already.”
Well, his friends got the hint and kept silent next to him during the whole ceremony. After an hour, the ceremony was about to be over and Juinichi was the last to leave the funeral parlor.
“Excuse me…” a voice said behind him and he looked behind. A man in his late 40s stood there with a small box, wrapped in pink in his hands. “You’re Okada Juinichi right?” he asked.
Juinichi nodded.
“I’m her father….” The man said with a sad smile. “She told me to give this to you no matter what.” He held the box out to Juinichi.
“What’s this?” he asked, taking the box in his hands and realized it was quite heavy.
“I don’t know. But I do know one thing, you were very important to her and she was holding onto this picture as she took her last breathe.” Came the man’s answer as he reached into his pocket and took out a slightly crumpled picture.
He placed it into Juinichi’s hands and walked out of the parlor. Juinichi looked at the picture and saw her smiling up at him, he had his arms wrapped protectively around her waists and the wind seemed to be gently caressing her soft hair. They looked happy and it just felt as if it was yesterday when they took the picture. He could still hear her laughter ringing in his ears.
After the man left, Juinichi sighed softly and walked into the sunlight. “Go, I want to go to her apartment.” He said suddenly and Go nodded, not wanting to prod him anymore.
Once he reached. He went straight to the rooftop and sat on the ledge and allow the cool breeze to caress his face and remembering the wonderful short time he had with her.
Juinichi stared at the box in his hands and started to remove the wrapper gently, careful not to tear anything. Inside, he found the things that she wanted him to keep. In it was her photos which she had took with him and the others, the medicine case which used to hold her painkillers after he slammed the door into her and all the receipt and keepsake of the time they spent together. There was also an MD player, a pink beat-up notebook and lastly, a small white envelope. He followed his instinct and picked up the envelope first which had his name written on the front in bold letters.
My dearest Juinichi,
By the time you read this, I’m already gone and I really want to apologize for not telling you about my condition but I have my reasons.
This will be the first and the last time I'm going to write a letter this long and I hope you'd take time to read it.
I'm also aware that you are probably crying right now. I'm really sorry, I didn't mean to. I know I promised you I’ll be there for you always and couldn’t keep it. Trust me, I really fought hard to keep that promise but by the time I seek treatment, it was too late. The cancer had spread.
The things you find along with this letter, is every single thing I’ve collected when I spent my time with you. I know it might sound silly, but to me, every single moment with you was special and I wanted to remember it as long as I lived. To me, it’s my most special treasures and I hope that you will take care of them and remember me always.
If you look properly, I’ve placed my pink handkerchief inside as well, remember how we used to sit on the rooftop, just talking about our problems. I would cry and you would gently wipe away my tears. You would sometimes silently shed tears and wipe it away quickly, your manly ego refusing to allow me to see it. I’m not here anymore to listen to your problems, but the handkerchief will do. It’ll help you wipe away your tears.
The MD is filled with the music we used to listen to in my apartment. Every time I recall how we used to dance like a mad person in my small living room, knocking each other on the head to the music, never fails to crack me up.
You'd find out the significance of the pink notebook later.
But that's not the reason why I wrote to you. I think this will be my last chance to tell you how I feel. About you, about us.
I’m sorry Juinichi, I’m so sorry for not telling you this earlier but I love you. I love you more than anyone in the world. Not as a friend, not as a brother, but something more pure and sacred.
How funny is it that we spent so much time together yet you were never really aware about how I truly feel. I admit I’m a coward for not confessing my love for you earlier. Not being brave enough to confront you.
But I was afraid of being in love again. With you, I was so scared of hurting our friendship and loosing you forever. And now you can only know the emotions that I've kept in my heart for so long through this letter. Now that I'm gone.
Do you remember the day when we met? I never told you this, but I went to that restaurant to have my last meal. I was shattered beyond my mind I had thoughts of ending my life, of drowning myself. But you saved me, like an angel you came and salvaged me from my madness. It made me realize that there's still hope and there’s somebody out there who still cares about helpless old me.
Little by little, you wiggled your way into my life, making me depend on you. Making yourself my wall of strength, a person I went to when I was sad or happy.
Remember how I told you I will never cry for a guy again? I lied. The day I found out I was going to die, I cried every single night in my bedroom. I would stare out my window and up at the sky, thinking where you were and what you were doing. I was not afraid of death itself or leaving the world. I was afraid of leaving you behind. Afraid I’ll never see you again.
I felt like a real big failure. I failed to confess my love to you and I failed to keep my promise.
It’s lonely and cold here without you. I miss the time when we would cuddle up with each other, just talking about life itself. I miss you so much that it hurts not only mentally, but also physically. The only thing that kept me strong enough to carry on was the memories I had with you and the others. Images of our times together kept playing in my head like a movie. If only I could record it and keep it with me forever.
Sometimes, I would pray to the heaven’s above to give me the strength to tell you that I love you. I would also sometimes selfishly ask them to make you love me instead.
You always told me I was your savior and I thank you for believing in me so much, for trusting our friendship.
Darling Juinichi, all these times I've remained a mere wallflower. I’ve never been the popular girl in school, I was more of a ghost, a person who ceased to exists. I guess even in my death I'd continue to be one. But it was you who noticed this wallflower, this invisible person and saved her from the vortex of loneliness.
I know I promised that I would be with you no matter what and I vow to keep it. When you feel like no one cares and you want to curse the world, just go to "our" rooftop and talk to me. I would be listening. Or you may just close your eyes and feel me in the air. I would always be there with you, always. When you are done with this letter, read the notebook.
Am I angry at how my life turned out to be? Of course not. I blame no one for what has happened to me, so please don’t be. Juinichi, please know that death isn’t the end. We will see each other again. Not in this world, but in a place far more better. A place where I will be strong enough to look at you in the eye and tell you that I love you.
Although, I left without saying goodbye, I’m finally at peace. I’m free at last. I never regretted anything in my life. So, Juinichi, Thank you. Thank you for showing me how to love again. Thank you for saving me and thank you for always being here for me.
I won’t be here to take care of you anymore Juinichi, so please do take care of yourself. When you’re feeling down and lonely, look around you and you will find 5 wonderful friends who cares for you and will always be there for you as well. Send my love to Go, Ken, Masa, Hiroshi and Inocchi. Tell them that they’ve made life which used to be black and white into a wonderful hue of rainbow.
I love you.
Juinichi was shocked and stunned after reading the overwhelming letter. For a few minutes, he was staring at the letter with tears in his eyes. He had never expected her to love him that much.
When he looked up, he noticed that the sky had turned orange from the sun was getting ready to set. It was a lovely sight and he wished that she was there to see it with him. But he knew, she was there with him. “I LOVE YOU….!!!” He screamed loudly into the sky. “I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!!”
He shouted till his throat was hoarse. It was only than, did he pick up the MD player and clicked the play button. The soft music filled the air and he slowly lifted the pink notebook and flip to the first page.
I was ready to end my life when I met him. After the last meal, I started to walk out of the near empty restaurant. I placed my hand on the doorknob and the next thing I knew, I was on the floor and my nose was bleeding. I looked up and that’s when I saw him. He was looking down at me with those big brown eyes which was filled with worry. He fussed over me even when I told him I was alright and that was the first time after so long, that someone actually cared about me. His name was Okada Juinichi….
And in that notebook, she wrote carefully and in detail on how she felt and saw Juinichi, her neat handwriting spinning the tale of happiness from the very beginning to the day she passed away. Their meetings, her thoughts were all written with honesty, exposing her heart to him. There were even some parts which was blotted, a clear evidence of what was left of dry teardrops.
He laughed and cried when he read page after page but he felt a certain peace overcome him. He finally understood everything. Suddenly, in the middle of his reading, fireworks lit up the black sky, decorating it with magical hues of colors. It was as if, she was trying to assure him that everything will be alright.
“Thank you…” he whispered softly.