Marriage

pcmodem wrote:
But at the same time, Chinese from HK and China give ABCs a bad time about not being Chinese enough, or calling them bananas or Twinkies.

not Chinese enough? i know more Chinese (especially in reading and writing Traditional Chinese) than the Hong Kong and China guys i know. the China guys I've met only know Simplified Chinese. Hong Kong guys that I've met could not even get up to Form 3.

pcmodem wrote:

Sounds like you are not dealing with ABCs, sodesuka? Most ABCs I know expect the woman to have a college degree. Oddly, in the pecking order, most Chinese view ABC's as being snobs, which to an extent is true and Chinese from China look up to ABC's as they expect them to be the rich Chinese-from-America stereotype. But at the same time, Chinese from HK and China give ABCs a bad time about not being Chinese enough, or calling them bananas or Twinkies.

you are right. i've mostly been dealing with Chinese from Hong Kong and China. it is not true that all ABCs are stuck up or snobs. i give all these Hong Kong and China guys a very fair chance, but they just like to pick on me. the last guys was from China, introduced to me by a relative and he was very rude and disgusting. never took me out on a real date. just go to 2 of his aunt's house. never spent a red cent. not even a drink of water. (this went on for a few weeks) just talking on the phone, using his aunt's phone to make calls. i've been very nice to him and speaking in Chinese in all conversations (because he doesn't know any English). then one day, he really got on my nerves, he said something really bad. so later that day in the evening, he called to ask me out, i told him "i'm not available." he said "not available?" i said, "yes. i'm busy." then that was it. next thing i know, the day after and for one whole week, he kept calling my house. each evening he called like 3 to 6 times like a stalker. i knew it was him -- thanks to caller ID. on like the 8th day, my roommate could not take it anymore, she picked up the phone and it was his aunt. she told his aunt, "she is working in another state. please don't call." his aunt apologize for him. talk about a dud!

i was friends with an ABC who really wanted me to be his wife. but he had a really bad mouth. he just never said the right thing at the right time. on our first date, he said that i am his future wife. and in my mind i was like "no." one the first date, how can anyone say that? i know about love at first sight, but that is really too fast. i told him that we are only friends because we just met and he was my friend's cousin. anyway, all throughout the entire year he kept claiming me to be his girlfriend and future wife, and we never held hands, never kissed, never hugged, nothing. all throughout that time, i never gotten to know him at all. so we ended up not even being friends. one time he asked me how much i earned in one year. he told me he was only making $25,000 a year, which did not bother me because that was his first job and i thought that was good for a starting point. but the thing that messed him up was his personality.

another ABC... did not graduate from college, only finished high school. was introduced to me by a co-worker. i still gave him a chance because i don't calculate people based on whether they have a college degree or not. he had just gotten out of an 8-year relationship and kept talking about his ex. he told me that his ex broke up with him, while she was doing that, he was proposing to her (begging for her to not break up with him and begging her to marry him). then he kept saying what he was not going to do in his next relationship... which is like a big punishment for his new partner... so i felt that is not fair thing to do to someone you just met. so i told him we can only be friends and he said that he cannot be friends with a girl. so i said, "good-bye." he said because he was treated badly, now he has to treat the rest of the world bad. talk about evil. and talk about wanting revenge and feeling scorned. his girlfriend did not leave him for someone else, she fell out of love with him.

what bugs me the most is that Chinese people (born in Hong Kong and China) get mad at Chinese people (USA, Canada, in other foreign countries, even those from Hong Kong, Taiwan, China) who marry other Asians or non-Asians. that's not fair because they are the ones who make it so hard for some Chinese people to marry a Chinese.

now i understand why so many Chinese marry Koreans and Japanese.

i've totally given up on Chinese guys.

sodesuka wrote:what bugs me the most is that Chinese people (born in Hong Kong and China) get mad at Chinese people (USA, Canada, in other foreign countries, even those from Hong Kong, Taiwan, China) who marry other Asians or non-Asians. that's not fair because they are the ones who make it so hard for some Chinese people to marry a Chinese.

now i understand why so many Chinese marry Koreans and Japanese.

i've totally given up on Chinese guys.

Yeah, a lot of Chinese, particularly the old ones trip out if you don't hook up with another Chinese person... When I was dating a Japanese girl, my folks freaked, and gave me a BS lecture about WW2 and stuff. I can understand their pain, but that's in the past... And to force that "Chinese only" policy is narrow-minded, racist thinking.

My best friend had to break up with this girl 'cause she was Hispanic and his folks didn't want to be shamed... He ended up marrying a Chinese girl, but I don't think he's nearly as happy as he could have been. Unfortunate.

im really sad about the chinese guys after reading the previous posts. why cant they reflect on themselves? girls, dun u all think tt alot of guys (especially those we encountered) r too selfish and r trapped inside a self-pity cycle? and i agree there are many many lots of desperate guys out there...esp chinese... :tired:

ok, if we cant find a good guy does it means when we r 30+ we shld settle with someone that's ard us? :rolleyes: :shakehead:

so girls, i would like to know will u rather remain single whole life if u cant find ur ideal soulmate?

M wrote:I know most of you prolly haven't thought that far yet, but I just wanna know...

- At what age do you wanna get married?
- Any plans for the ceremony? (the venue, atmosphere, costume, etc)
- Where would u go for your honeymoon? =]
- At what age do you wanna have a baby?
- How many children do you wanna have?


I think marriage is sacred, so it'll be interesting to hear some of your ideas!

Thats a good question lol...though im only 18, those questions, i have thought about.
1.when i wanna get married=when im financially stable, like i have enough money for house, the wedding, the honeymoon and wat not, but first i have to find me the right girl
2. I leave the ceremony to my parents and grandparents, i no its going to be a asian traditional thingy anyways
3. The honeymoon, i want it to be nice and enjoyable, but i don't want to go somewhere everyone goes but im probably just going to let my lady decide
4.Hopefully i get to have my first son or daughter when im in my early 30s
5. I would like to have at least 2 kids, 3 is ok. either 2 boys, or 1 boy one girl when it comes to too kids. if 3, then either 3 boys or 2 boys and one girl. I think having too many girls is going to be a headache when they hit adolescence

Akakage wrote:
Don't encourage him..he's taken.. :hehe: :rofl: how are we going to be responsible with his wife? LMAO :rofl: :rofl:

Though I've never paid $$$ for a pay-per-view boxing match, I'd pay to see Mrs. Ahoch' chasing Ahoch' around the house with a frying pan for being a sukebei! :hehe:

Ahoch' --> :beatyou: <-- Mrs. Ahoch'
:rofl: :hehe: :hehe: :rofl: :hehe:

sodesuka wrote:
another ABC... did not graduate from college, only finished high school. was introduced to me by a co-worker. i still gave him a chance because i don't calculate people based on whether they have a college degree or not... said because he was treated badly, now he has to treat the rest of the world bad. talk about evil. and talk about wanting revenge and feeling scorned.

Sodesuka, you seem entirely reasonable, but you're witnessing why many say don't pick a man for marriage until they're at least in their late 20s: immaturity. Not evil, simple immaturity. :shakehead:

Really, most of my guy friends are Chinese, Filipino, or Caucasian. There are plenty of decent Chinese guys out there, even some that hang out in the club and lounge scene. It's just a matter of spending the time to find men of good character, which is difficult. Gambatte!

One thing I have noticed, men from Asia (as opposed to the USA) have a higher percentage of being a Fatal Attraction. Cultural, I guess. I even know of a case where the guy dynamited the car of an exGF's new BF.



TGIF! :woot:
PCM

hmm.... seems so young to talk about marriage here :sweat: ..... heehee...

well... marriage this kind of thing can't be force.... when love comes it juz come... who can avoid it....?? the above examples juz make me feel sick :sweat: :doh: ... sigh :shakehead: ... don't know why... parents play a really big part in marriage here :shakehead: :shakehead: .... but the thing is who in the end gets married :crazy: :sweat: ...?? thoughts for the day.....

i would actually stay single until i find the right man.... well... not to the extreme.... coz i believe in fate... everything has its beginning & ending... juz that it might begin or end differently... & believe me.... there is ALWAYS the right one for u.... he or she will be juz meant for u... u don't know where... but he or she does exsits... hahah.... sounds so... erm.... well... probably due to my horoscope too... horoscope can really tells alot from the person.... believe??

tata...(",)

atata wrote:im really sad about the chinese guys after reading the previous posts. why cant they reflect on themselves? girls, dun u all think tt alot of guys (especially those we encountered) r too selfish and r trapped inside a self-pity cycle? and i agree there are many many lots of desperate guys out there...esp chinese... :tired:

ok, if we cant find a good guy does it means when we r 30+ we shld settle with someone that's ard us? :rolleyes: :shakehead:

so girls, i would like to know will u rather remain single whole life if u cant find ur ideal soulmate?

Well, does it really benefit anyone if you're with someone that doesn't make you happy? I know for me, I can be depressed by myself - I don't need someone to help me be depressed.

Perhaps, I can't really talk because I'm in my early 30's - and I'm married. However, if I were alone and I couldn't find one person that I'm happy with - I might look for several people to make me happy. :woot:

Not that I'd sleep around (nor would I say I was) I just mean, find other things to focus on that make you happy. I don't think happiness should be based on whether or not you have a lifetime mate (though it might help to have one), it basically comes from you. If you're not happy, then that's not really anyone else's fault. :beaten:

I know that a lot of readers have an Asian background, so I don't want to say anything that might be miscontrued as offensive (please excuse my ignorance, as I am not Asian). I also know that for some readers, no matter what culture, feel as though their families are depending on them to stay within their cultures/ race, because to the older generation, this is a way that they believe their culture will continue to exsist.

When we (in general) go outside of our race for friendship/ marriage, it's like a slap in the face to them, because this is almost saying that you have given up on your race or that you won't even try to look. This (obviously) is not my way of thinking.

I admit that I gave up on my race a long time ago, however, now that I'm older, I can see that perhaps that wasn't the way to go about in choosing many of the dating choices I made. Anyway, being as stubborn as I am, I ended marrying outside of my race, and would make the same choice, if I had to (maybe a different race). :naughty: I just don't believe in allowing anyone to make lifelong choices for me, because I'm the one that has to live with them.

Yet, I can say that the benefits for marrying within your culture is that you have someone that can relate to you (which in a lot of ways must be worth something). Luckily, my parents and in-laws are very accepting - perhaps it's because I married a foreigner. :crazy:

Besides, if you're happy with yourself, others will want to be around you because happiness rubs off! :hug:

( :sweat: did I have something to say or what?)


Mikiko

pcmodem wrote:

Sodesuka, you seem entirely reasonable, but you're witnessing why many say don't pick a man for marriage until they're at least in their late 20s: immaturity. Not evil, simple immaturity. :shakehead:

at that time i was 25 and he was 32. isn't that sad, knowing that he was already in his 30's and thinking and doing that kind of stuff. that is why, after talking to him for a several weeks, i said "forget about this one."

Really, most of my guy friends are Chinese, Filipino, or Caucasian. There are plenty of decent Chinese guys out there, even some that hang out in the club and lounge scene. It's just a matter of spending the time to find men of good character, which is difficult. Gambatte!

thanks for your words of encouragement. yeah the nice guys are really hard to find.

One thing I have noticed, men from Asia (as opposed to the USA) have a higher percentage of being a Fatal Attraction. Cultural, I guess. I even know of a case where the guy dynamited the car of an exGF's new BF.

omg! that's scary.
i know this may seem bad and may make me look snobbish, but from my experience, i am not going to go with a Chinese guy who was not born in US.

atata wrote:im really sad about the chinese guys after reading the previous posts. why cant they reflect on themselves? girls, dun u all think tt alot of guys (especially those we encountered) r too selfish and r trapped inside a self-pity cycle? and i agree there are many many lots of desperate guys out there...esp chinese... :tired:

ok, if we cant find a good guy does it means when we r 30+ we shld settle with someone that's ard us? :rolleyes: :shakehead:

so girls, i would like to know will u rather remain single whole life if u cant find ur ideal soulmate?

yeah those Chinese guys really need to get a reality check and go take a look in the mirror before calculating other people.

well in general, i'm pretty content and happy with the way things are. but it would be nice to find someone can share life with, have kids, and grow old with.

it is better to find someone you love and can live a happy life with, than to be in a miserable marriage which can cause physical and mental health problems and shave off many years off of your life (you will never know your true life span here on earth).

if cannot find someone who can give into a loving relationship, then it is better to remain single. because maybe it was pre-destined to be that way. i think some people were not intended to be married, like it was pre-destined or something.

but seriously i've totally given up on Chinese guys.

bmwracer wrote:
Yeah, a lot of Chinese, particularly the old ones trip out if you don't hook up with another Chinese person... When I was dating a Japanese girl, my folks freaked, and gave me a BS lecture about WW2 and stuff. I can understand their pain, but that's in the past... And to force that "Chinese only" policy is narrow-minded, racist thinking.

My best friend had to break up with this girl 'cause she was Hispanic and his folks didn't want to be shamed... He ended up marrying a Chinese girl, but I don't think he's nearly as happy as he could have been. Unfortunate.

totally agree with you.

i come from a family who is really supportive of whatever type of relationship i have. folks have no problem if i go with a Japanese or Korean or other race. folks believe that happiness is really hard to find nowadays. they say that finding soulmate is really hard, so if you meet someone good, treat you well, is committed and devoted to giving you a good love relationship and will support you unconditionally, then that is the person you should be with.

yeah my folks have talked about WW2 thing, but they say it has nothing to do with the younger generation. that was the old generation's problem, not today's generation. they say the young generation of today should not be held that responsibility and should not be constrained and hate each other for something they were not involved in and don't have that experience.

when i started watching Japanese dramas, i used to hide and watch on the computer with the headset. i didn't know how folks would react because lots of my friends folks are totally against anything Japanese (makes me wonder why they have a rice cooker, a Honda car, karaoke, etc.). one time i had gotten a Smap Birdman 1999 concert which was only available on VHS because the VCD was totally sold out. i was so afraid but really wanted to watch it, so i was very bold and put it in the VHS player which is in the family room. and when i was watching it, they asked me what it was and i told them that it's Japanese. at first, they were like "huh?" then i watched so many times for the next several days, and they started watching too. after so many watchings of not only that, followed by many Japanese dramas, they are totally in love with Japanese entertainment. now they love it more than i do. and part of me still can't believe that they are bigger fans of J-doramas than me.

So many folks I know are moving in together, almost married.

My amigo G is moving in with his GF R.

My amiga S bought a house with her BF.

My amiga J1 moved in with her new BF.

My amiga J2 is moving to LA for her BF.


Sometimes it goes in waves. :hehe:
-PCM

bmwracer wrote:
Yeah, a lot of Chinese, particularly the old ones trip out if you don't hook up with another Chinese person... When I was dating a Japanese girl, my folks freaked, and gave me a BS lecture about WW2 and stuff. I can understand their pain, but that's in the past... And to force that "Chinese only" policy is narrow-minded, racist thinking..

i hope you don't mind me to ask, what happened to your relationship with your Japanese girlfriend?

bmwracer wrote:
My best friend had to break up with this girl 'cause she was Hispanic and his folks didn't want to be shamed... He ended up marrying a Chinese girl, but I don't think he's nearly as happy as he could have been. Unfortunate.

that's sad. :shakehead:

i think i really click with sodesuka.. :hug:

yeah, im pretty much given up on chinese guys to the extend im so sick of guys from my country to date me, i cut my long hair so that no more guys will pester me again..and im unable to feel attractiveness from any guys on the road when i went to town one night.
mayb there is something wrong with me but it s ok to me cuz from age 20~30 i wana concentrate on Me and Myself.

after i broke up with my last bf (which only last for 3weeks). i reflect over my whole love life and this thought of building the REAL me has come into me. ;)

i didnt mean i dun like guys.. :sweat: but no one guy around me attracts me, or rather known as the 'urge to fall in love' or the 'passion' (watever..).. :rolleyes:

regardin predestined lover :love2: , i really wish this is true. i do not wish to see myself feelin lonely when i grow old. lolx...

actually it should be finding the love of ur life (like having your dreams...) and not trying to find a person ('love') of ur life. i believe that only when u r doin good in ur own life den u can take good care of a love relationship, wad i tryin to say is alot of guys i encountered wish to have a girlfriend when they keep saying they r very lonely, they envy their friends with gf..etc etc..this makes me feel that they only find a girl to fill their loneliness hole. :shakehead: :shakehead:

there is always a endless hole in everyone's heart, thus finding the LOVE of ur life shld be the way not finding a person to fill something (i hope my message is clear :beaten: ). if u find the LOVE of ur life, a gf/bf will b like a BONUS..get wad i tryin to say? it s like double happiness and dividing sorrows with ur partner. and if u can do this im sure u will cherish this 'love' of ur life.. :inlove:

sodesuka wrote:i hope you don't mind me to ask, what happened to your relationship with your Japanese girlfriend?

Things just didn't work out... Had nothing to do with my relatives.

Unfortunately, when my mom found out she tried to shame me in front of my grandparents during Chinese New Year by telling 'em I was seeing a Japanese girl... I blew my cork and pretty much renounced my Chinese heritage.

bmwracer wrote:
Things just didn't work out... Had nothing to do with my relatives.

Unfortunately, when my mom found out she tried to shame me in front of my grandparents during Chinese New Year by telling 'em I was seeing a Japanese girl... I blew my cork and pretty much renounced my Chinese heritage.

Just wondering, 'racer, how do you do this? Do you not do family stuff anymore? How do you "un-Chinese" yourself if that's your ethnicity.

I mean, don't renounce your heritage based on one person's actions, is all I'm saying.

Chinese stuff is cool. I'm no expert, but, I have a feeling if their masses didn't take that communism detour, that country'd be ruling right about now (and those of you fortunate enough to have read or have copies of [these are out-of-print, from what I understand] David Wingrove's Chung Kuo series, you know what I'm saying). Besides that . . . so much history, that country has (ooh, I'm wise like Yoda apparently, :hehe: ).

The Man wrote:Just wondering, 'racer, how do you do this? Do you not do family stuff anymore? How do you "un-Chinese" yourself if that's your ethnicity.

I pretty much avoid any Chinese events like Chinese New Year and stuff... Granted, we get together for a Chinese New Year dinner, but that's it... There's nothing remotely Chinese in my entire house, but I've got Japanese watercolor paintings, books, posters, etc. lying around...

bmwracer wrote:
Yeah, a lot of Chinese, particularly the old ones trip out if you don't hook up with another Chinese person... When I was dating a Japanese girl, my folks freaked, and gave me a BS lecture about WW2 and stuff. I can understand their pain, but that's in the past... And to force that "Chinese only" policy is narrow-minded, racist thinking.

My best friend had to break up with this girl 'cause she was Hispanic and his folks didn't want to be shamed... He ended up marrying a Chinese girl, but I don't think he's nearly as happy as he could have been. Unfortunate.

Eh, I think when a family is homogenous in one way or another (ethnicity, culture, religion, etc), any changes might freak them out. It depends on the family and their "pressures" as well. I know Koreans my age whose families are like that, but they don't rebel against it. They date non-Asians and non-Koreans-but-Asians but admit they are just playing around and would never marry one because they have to bring a Korean home and they grew up thinking that's the way to be. I also know several Italians whose parents claim they'd drop dead if they married a non-Italian. I know Catholics who won't/"can't" marry or date anyone non-Catholic. I know 7th Day Adventists who are the same way. I used to know Jewish people who were the same way and would be ousted if they went against it.

Sometimes time heals and lets people adjust. But sometimes people are too stubborn and keep cutting the wound to not let it heal. America, for example, is a melting pot and many families are bound to eventually have "mixed marriages" whether they like it or not. My sister (17 years ago) was dating a black guy. She was kinda afraid to bring him home because our family was all white and she didn't know what some family members would think. My mom was only concerned about how society would treat THEM, not us....but she didn't tell her not to date him. She was just like "You have a rough road ahead of you". But the family met him and they were shocked and not all were exactly pleased, but really quickly they got the hell over it. Even my great grandmother who had been born in 1900 and was in her late 80's then. They eventually got married in 1996. Not that it's probably gonna be forever (heh), but it's a long relationship and the family members who'd normally have a problem with letting him in the family got over it really quick. It's not like our bloodline is pure-anything anyway :hehe:

wow, this has turned really serious , really fast.
what a hot topic :applaud: