3 Samurai try to decide which was is greatest. They go before a judge, he opens a box, a fly comes out, the first Samurai slices him in half. "Impressive" says the judge. He goes to the 2nd Samurai, opens the box, a fly comes out, the 2nd Samurai slices the fly in 4 pieces. "Very impressive!" says the judge. He goes to the 3rd Samurai, opens the box, a fly comes out, the 3rd Samurai swings his sword, the fly flies away. "The fly is still alive" says the judge. "Yes", replies the 3rd Samurai, "but he'll never have children"
Jokes/Humor Thread
Started by Michi · 13 Nov 2003 · 828 replies
General Discussion
:lol:
Good one.
Good one.
Without a doubt... Ueto Aya is the best actress in the world up until now.
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: x 10000000000000000^3.14
Peter Kay One Liners
1) I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said 'Thyroid problem?'
2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
3) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
4) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.
5) I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
6) A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.
7) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.
8) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
9) Sex is like bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
10) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'
11) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?
12) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
13) You know that look women get when they want sex? No, me neither.
14) Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living.
15) I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
16) Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before
PETER KAY'S UNIVERSAL TRUTHS
1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
4) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
5) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
6) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
7) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
8) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
9) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.
10) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
11) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
12) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
13) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
14) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
15) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.
16) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.
17) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
SOME GREAT QUESTIONS BROUGHT TO YOU BY PETER KAY
1) Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
2) If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?
3) Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
4) Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your bottom?
5) Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'?
6) Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
7) Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
8) Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?
9) Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?
10) Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
11) Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?
12) What do people in China call their good quality plates?
13) Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
14) What do you call male ballerinas?
15) Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
16) If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
17) If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
18) Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell
you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
1) I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said 'Thyroid problem?'
2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
3) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
4) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.
5) I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
6) A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.
7) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.
8) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
9) Sex is like bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
10) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'
11) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?
12) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
13) You know that look women get when they want sex? No, me neither.
14) Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living.
15) I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
16) Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before
PETER KAY'S UNIVERSAL TRUTHS
1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
4) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
5) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
6) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
7) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
8) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
9) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.
10) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
11) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
12) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
13) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
14) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
15) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.
16) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.
17) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
SOME GREAT QUESTIONS BROUGHT TO YOU BY PETER KAY
1) Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
2) If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?
3) Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
4) Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your bottom?
5) Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'?
6) Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
7) Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
8) Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?
9) Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?
10) Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
11) Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?
12) What do people in China call their good quality plates?
13) Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
14) What do you call male ballerinas?
15) Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
16) If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
17) If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
18) Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell
you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
kenjilina wrote:3) Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
I can! :mrgreen:
16) If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? [/quote]
LOL! :lol:
Jokes??
See the fangirl threads in the Artistes forum. :beaten:
See the fangirl threads in the Artistes forum. :beaten:
bmwracer wrote:Jokes??
See the fangirl threads in the Artistes forum. :beaten:
^ hahahaha ^
uhno wrote:^ hahahaha ^
Thank you. :victory:
The Idiot Report........
Number One Idiot of 2006
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the
poison control center.
Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little
daughter eating ants.
I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be
no
need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the
end
of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some
ant
poison to eat in order to kill the ants.
I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room
right
away.
Number Two Idiot of 2006
Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a
life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of
the plane and home.
Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast
Guard helicopter coming towards them.
It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator
beacon
that activated when the raft was inflated.
They are no longer employed at Boeing.
Number Three Idiot of 2006
A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch
and
wrote this. "Put all your muny in this bag."
While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began
to
worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police
before he reached the teller's window.
So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo
Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells
Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he
wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not
accept
his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip
and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go
back to Bank of America.
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left.
He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at
Bank
of America.
Number Four Idiot of 2006
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that
measured
his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the
mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent
the police department a photograph of $40.
Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained
another picture, this time of handcuffs.
He immediately mailed in his $40.
Number Five Idiot of 2006
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of
the cash from the cash drawer.
After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch
that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf.
He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused
and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21."
The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him
because she didn't believe him.
At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and
gave it to the clerk.
The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and
she
put the Scotch in the bag.
The robber then ran from the store with his loot.
The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of
the
robber that he got off the license.
They arrested the robber two hours later.
Idiot Number Six of 2006
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving
revolvers.
The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled
first bandit shot him.
and finally....
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our
car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service
department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers
side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the
door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the
technician, "its open!"
His reply, "I know - I already got that side."
This was at the CHEVY dealership in Canton , Mississippi !
STAY ALERT!
They walk among us .. and they REPRODUCE ...!!!
Number One Idiot of 2006
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the
poison control center.
Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little
daughter eating ants.
I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be
no
need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the
end
of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some
ant
poison to eat in order to kill the ants.
I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room
right
away.
Number Two Idiot of 2006
Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a
life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of
the plane and home.
Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast
Guard helicopter coming towards them.
It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator
beacon
that activated when the raft was inflated.
They are no longer employed at Boeing.
Number Three Idiot of 2006
A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch
and
wrote this. "Put all your muny in this bag."
While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began
to
worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police
before he reached the teller's window.
So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo
Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells
Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he
wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not
accept
his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip
and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go
back to Bank of America.
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left.
He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at
Bank
of America.
Number Four Idiot of 2006
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that
measured
his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the
mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent
the police department a photograph of $40.
Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained
another picture, this time of handcuffs.
He immediately mailed in his $40.
Number Five Idiot of 2006
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of
the cash from the cash drawer.
After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch
that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf.
He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused
and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21."
The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him
because she didn't believe him.
At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and
gave it to the clerk.
The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and
she
put the Scotch in the bag.
The robber then ran from the store with his loot.
The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of
the
robber that he got off the license.
They arrested the robber two hours later.
Idiot Number Six of 2006
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving
revolvers.
The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled
first bandit shot him.
and finally....
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our
car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service
department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers
side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the
door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the
technician, "its open!"
His reply, "I know - I already got that side."
This was at the CHEVY dealership in Canton , Mississippi !
STAY ALERT!
They walk among us .. and they REPRODUCE ...!!!
bmwracer wrote:
Thank you. :victory:
Anytime..... (if it's funny that is) :hehe:
something tells me this joke went wrong! :hehe:
http://s22.photobucket.com/albums/b347/aaddington1/?action=view¤t=Pool_UK_060620_107600.flv?t=1170584814
http://s22.photobucket.com/albums/b347/aaddington1/?action=view¤t=Pool_UK_060620_107600.flv?t=1170584814
he's got to be joking right? wrong!! :shakehead: :hehe:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9hdVP4xGD8s
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9hdVP4xGD8s
kenjilina wrote:he's got to be joking right? wrong!! :shakehead: :hehe:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9hdVP4xGD8s
Wow... he's gonna be teased for the rest of his life...
Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming. But every now and then he'd hear an internal reassuring voice in his head that said:
"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last.... And you're single. Just let it go."
But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality.
Whispering......
Dave.......
Dave........
Dave........
.......you're a vet! :hehe:
"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last.... And you're single. Just let it go."
But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality.
Whispering......
Dave.......
Dave........
Dave........
.......you're a vet! :hehe:
First time Ive visited this thread.
Hilarious, folks!!
Hilarious, folks!!
Once upon a time in a far far kingdom, The King was upset because annual income decreased due to illegal fruit seller, because of that illegal seller his people didn't buy fruits from official royal kingdom fruit seller. So the king ordered his loyal guard to capture any illegal fruit seller.
day 1
An illegal fruit seller was caught and brought to the audience chamber to meet with the king..
Royal Guard : 'Your excellency, we have captured one illegal fuit seller.."
King : "Ohh.. What does he sells?"
Royal Guard: "Oranges your excellency.."
King : "Then for punishment, stuck all of the oranges that he has through his butt.."
Illegal fruit seller #1 : "Noooooo.... argh.. argh.. argghh.."
day 2
Another illegal fruit seller was caught and brought to the audience chamber to meet with the king..
Royal Guard : 'Your excellency, we have captured another illegal fuit seller.."
King : "What does he sells now?"
Royal Guard: "Magoes your excellency.."
King : "Then for punishment, stuck all of the mangoes that he has through his butt.."
Illegal fruit seller #2 : "No.. No.. Noooooo.... ARGHH.. ARGH.. ARGHHH.."
day 3
The punishment for illegal fruit selling was spreading so fast amongst the people of his kingdom, but still another illegal fruit seller was caught and brought to the audience chamber to meet with the king..
Royal Guard : 'Your excellency, we have captured yet another illegal fuit seller.."
King : "Again?? What does he sells now?"
Royal Guard: "Watermelons your excellency.."
King : "Then for punishment, --"
Illegal fruit seller #3 : "Hahahaha.... hhahahhaha"
King : "Why you are laughing you know the punishment for illegal fruit seller in my kingdom right?"
Illegal fruit seller #3: "Yes I know, but I just remembered that one of your guard also captured a durian fruit seller today.."
day 1
An illegal fruit seller was caught and brought to the audience chamber to meet with the king..
Royal Guard : 'Your excellency, we have captured one illegal fuit seller.."
King : "Ohh.. What does he sells?"
Royal Guard: "Oranges your excellency.."
King : "Then for punishment, stuck all of the oranges that he has through his butt.."
Illegal fruit seller #1 : "Noooooo.... argh.. argh.. argghh.."
day 2
Another illegal fruit seller was caught and brought to the audience chamber to meet with the king..
Royal Guard : 'Your excellency, we have captured another illegal fuit seller.."
King : "What does he sells now?"
Royal Guard: "Magoes your excellency.."
King : "Then for punishment, stuck all of the mangoes that he has through his butt.."
Illegal fruit seller #2 : "No.. No.. Noooooo.... ARGHH.. ARGH.. ARGHHH.."
day 3
The punishment for illegal fruit selling was spreading so fast amongst the people of his kingdom, but still another illegal fruit seller was caught and brought to the audience chamber to meet with the king..
Royal Guard : 'Your excellency, we have captured yet another illegal fuit seller.."
King : "Again?? What does he sells now?"
Royal Guard: "Watermelons your excellency.."
King : "Then for punishment, --"
Illegal fruit seller #3 : "Hahahaha.... hhahahhaha"
King : "Why you are laughing you know the punishment for illegal fruit seller in my kingdom right?"
Illegal fruit seller #3: "Yes I know, but I just remembered that one of your guard also captured a durian fruit seller today.."
That joke is probably funny, but I don't know what a durian is..... :bonk:
![[image]](http://www.greentales.com/files/durian.jpg){kind=link}
OUCH! yeah, that would be painful :)
Anime Dad wrote:OUCH! yeah, that would be painful :)
I actually have a joke that's quite similar to the one Jaegal_Maut posted above. I'm gonna use you, B-san, and Enna in the joke, since those are the three peeps I've talked to most recently here. :)
Joke:
B-san, A-Oyaji, and Enna were on a plane to... say, Japan... when suddenly it crashed onto an island. Within seconds they were captured by the tribe that occupied this strange island. After begging for their lives, the Leader of the Tribe decided he would spare the lives of the three if they would collect fruit for his people. He told the three to go out into the forest and return with ten pieces of fruit. Eager to live, B-san, A-Oyaji, and Enna hurried off in different directions.
After a few hours, A-Oyaji returned carring ten oranges. The Chief was pleased, but he had one further condition. "If you want to live, you must stick these oranges up your anus. If you make one sound, I will cut your head off." No matter the amount of protesting from A-Oyaji, the Chief just wouldn't listen. With his life on the line, A-Oyaji decided he had no choice. He inserted one orange with great discomfort, and when he tried a second orange, he cried out in pain. The Chief cut off his head.
An hour later, Enna arrived with ten cherries. The Chief explained the condition, and after much protesting, Enna realized that she, too, had no choice. She began to insert the cherries, and although it was uncomfortable, she managed it without a problem. When she was about to insert the last cherry, she began to laugh. The Chief cut off her head.
Later, in heaven, A-Oyaji turned to Enna and asked: "Enna! You were doing so well. You could have survived! Why on earth did you start to laugh?!"
Enna replied: "Because I saw B-san running up with ten watermelons."
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