Wynter wrote:I wish I could bang just ANYONE. :doh: :beaten:
:shocked:
:P
:shocked:
:P
Love/Relationship/Potential Relationship Advice
Started by Fans91 · 30 Jan 2004 · 2,293 replies
General Discussion
:shocked:
:P
qilver wrote: at the same time, my curiousity has awoken, has any of yours???
But at least you can say that you were part of a long relationship once. I don't even have THAT under my belt. My own fault, of course...
bmwracer wrote:
Repost the pic you removed. :mrgreen:
I didn't have enough space on my harddrive to hold my bust. :beaten:
Besides, I think cori has you pegged. ;)
tabana wrote:
:shocked:
:P
:tolerance:
Wynter wrote:
I didn't have enough space on my harddrive to hold my bust. :beaten:
As a computer guy, I'll be the judge of that. :woot:
Wynter wrote:Besides, I think cori has you pegged.
How so? :headscratch:
dochira wrote:
As a computer guy, I'll be the judge of that. :woot:
LOL You get credit for trying, doc. :glomp: :mrgreen:
bmwracer wrote:
How so? :headscratch:
:notell:
Here ya go... From Yahoo! Personals:
Five Dead-End Dating Patterns and How to Break Them
By Diana Kirschner, Ph.D. Special to Yahoo! Personals Updated: Nov 1, 2007
You know the signs. You're with a guy and get that gut feeling -- you're going to be hurt and lose out in the same way as before. And even though you vow that this time will be different, it all comes sadly to pass and you're back to the tissue box and Ben & Jerry's. Welcome to the world of dead-end dating patterns.
Here are the top five deadly patterns, along with potent fixes to help you escape them.
1. Not perfect -- I'll pass
The pattern: Your best friend talks you into signing up for online dating. You interact with a number of men and quickly back out of seeing them because of various defects that each one has: this guy is too cynical; that one has bad teeth; the other spilled his espresso macchiato grande all over his shirt. The reality is that you don't even give them a chance to emerge and be who they are. No one is good enough. You unconsciously project your own feelings of inadequacy onto each guy you meet or date. The flaws in them become blinding -- completely and totally turning you off. You run.
gYour reactions are nothing more than defensive maneuversh
Your reactions are nothing more than defensive maneuvers designed to guard against being rejected yourself. Then you end up alone, wondering why there are no good guys out there.
The fix: Listen to that voice in your head that is hypercritical of you. Then you won't be projecting so much. If you start feeling turned off when he spills his coffee, as you help him find some napkins to clean up the mess, say to yourself, "I'm being picky and critical in some way of myself, just like my mother (or father) is." Even though this feels strange it will change the way you look at men.
2. Chase me
The pattern: This is similar to "Not perfect -- I'll pass" in that you interact with a guy and then distance yourself. But in this scenario, you have great sex in his king-sized bed and open up not only sexually but emotionally. After the cozy coupling and three-hour confessionals, you get scared to death. You pull back suddenly and become unavailable, or you act crazy and/or dump him. Even if he is loving, you insist that he doesn't really care about you. Almost against your own will, you find yourself running away for no particular reason. Deep down you know that you're starting to love the guy so you have to break up with him before he can do it to you. At least that way you can control the heartbreak. What you really want is for him to smash through the barricades you've thrown up and come riding in on his white horse to claim you. But you never tell him. So you set him up to fail you. He doesn't chase after you. And you say to yourself, I knew it all along.
The fix: You need to slow things down! Remember the mantra: Jump in too fast and it's over fast. And, unless he's a real jerk, no running off! Instead, take a chance -- hang in there and be real with him.
3. I'll make you love me -- push away
The pattern: You meet a guy you like and work hard to land him -- hopping right into bed, making exotic dinners, even buying him tickets to the playoffs. You're not yourself with him -- just busy trying to be the image of what you think he wants in a woman. You're his love slave, chef, therapist, and savior. All you want, consciously at least, is for him to stay and never leave you. What you get is a phone that never rings. Your over-giving has chased him into the arms of the nearest girly-girl who needs him to take care of her! When you finally get the bad news through the grapevine, you're completely baffled by how stupid men can be.
The fix: The giving has to go both ways. Your one-sided over-giving is just masking your own fear of rejection. Understand that you can't make anyone love you. It's either there or it's not. Look for a partner who really loves you for you. (Yes, it's possible).
4. Fade away
The pattern: You finally force yourself to get out there in the land of men and date. And you admit that some of the guys have potential. Some you even like. You're polite, you act interested, and you're responsive. But for some reason, none of them ever calls you back after the initial Starbucks date. You don't get it. What's actually happening is that you're driving men away with subtle verbal or nonverbal signals that say "I don't like you" or "I'm bored" or "I'm boring." But you're not aware that you're sending these signals. So all the guys just fade away. You complain that the single men near you don't really want to have relationships.
The fix: Before a date, close your eyes and imagine that the person you're about to meet is a dear old friend who you haven't seen in years. Greet the guy and start the evening with that friendly vibe. If you like him, end the date with the same warmth.
5. Crumbs
The pattern: You're involved with a guy (who may be married) who sees you occasionally and only when it works in his schedule. For the most part, he treats you well when he's with you.
gIf he's wealthy, he may buy you Manolosh
If he's wealthy, he may buy you Manolos or take you out to five-star restaurants. He may be hot in bed. But he cuts you off if his wife or son needs the slightest thing. And he's never available when you need or want him. This rejection causes you a great deal of pain, yet you think that overall it's a good deal. You spend a lot of time thinking and fantasizing about him: how he's going to leave his wife or cut back on his work schedule and be with you in a rose-covered cottage or on the beach in Maui. In your heart of hearts, you know that day will never come, but you're afraid to act on that knowledge. Although you'd never admit it, even to your best friend, you believe that this second-class status is the very best you'll ever be able to get and you're damn lucky to have it.
The fix: Give up the crumbs and take a seat at the banquet table. First, break up with him. Then make a rule: I only date men who are (a) available and (b) crazy about me (for real). Try this on for size, even if it means spending time with guys who "aren't good enough" but who treat you like royalty. You need to learn what it really means to be loved.
If you recognize yourself in any of these scenarios, congratulations. You have the courage to really see yourself, and that's always the first step towards change. The second step is to try the "fixes" on for size. If changing your M.O. feels weird, remember: that strange scary feeling means you're on the right path to opening love's door.
Five Dead-End Dating Patterns and How to Break Them
By Diana Kirschner, Ph.D. Special to Yahoo! Personals Updated: Nov 1, 2007
You know the signs. You're with a guy and get that gut feeling -- you're going to be hurt and lose out in the same way as before. And even though you vow that this time will be different, it all comes sadly to pass and you're back to the tissue box and Ben & Jerry's. Welcome to the world of dead-end dating patterns.
Here are the top five deadly patterns, along with potent fixes to help you escape them.
1. Not perfect -- I'll pass
The pattern: Your best friend talks you into signing up for online dating. You interact with a number of men and quickly back out of seeing them because of various defects that each one has: this guy is too cynical; that one has bad teeth; the other spilled his espresso macchiato grande all over his shirt. The reality is that you don't even give them a chance to emerge and be who they are. No one is good enough. You unconsciously project your own feelings of inadequacy onto each guy you meet or date. The flaws in them become blinding -- completely and totally turning you off. You run.
gYour reactions are nothing more than defensive maneuversh
Your reactions are nothing more than defensive maneuvers designed to guard against being rejected yourself. Then you end up alone, wondering why there are no good guys out there.
The fix: Listen to that voice in your head that is hypercritical of you. Then you won't be projecting so much. If you start feeling turned off when he spills his coffee, as you help him find some napkins to clean up the mess, say to yourself, "I'm being picky and critical in some way of myself, just like my mother (or father) is." Even though this feels strange it will change the way you look at men.
2. Chase me
The pattern: This is similar to "Not perfect -- I'll pass" in that you interact with a guy and then distance yourself. But in this scenario, you have great sex in his king-sized bed and open up not only sexually but emotionally. After the cozy coupling and three-hour confessionals, you get scared to death. You pull back suddenly and become unavailable, or you act crazy and/or dump him. Even if he is loving, you insist that he doesn't really care about you. Almost against your own will, you find yourself running away for no particular reason. Deep down you know that you're starting to love the guy so you have to break up with him before he can do it to you. At least that way you can control the heartbreak. What you really want is for him to smash through the barricades you've thrown up and come riding in on his white horse to claim you. But you never tell him. So you set him up to fail you. He doesn't chase after you. And you say to yourself, I knew it all along.
The fix: You need to slow things down! Remember the mantra: Jump in too fast and it's over fast. And, unless he's a real jerk, no running off! Instead, take a chance -- hang in there and be real with him.
3. I'll make you love me -- push away
The pattern: You meet a guy you like and work hard to land him -- hopping right into bed, making exotic dinners, even buying him tickets to the playoffs. You're not yourself with him -- just busy trying to be the image of what you think he wants in a woman. You're his love slave, chef, therapist, and savior. All you want, consciously at least, is for him to stay and never leave you. What you get is a phone that never rings. Your over-giving has chased him into the arms of the nearest girly-girl who needs him to take care of her! When you finally get the bad news through the grapevine, you're completely baffled by how stupid men can be.
The fix: The giving has to go both ways. Your one-sided over-giving is just masking your own fear of rejection. Understand that you can't make anyone love you. It's either there or it's not. Look for a partner who really loves you for you. (Yes, it's possible).
4. Fade away
The pattern: You finally force yourself to get out there in the land of men and date. And you admit that some of the guys have potential. Some you even like. You're polite, you act interested, and you're responsive. But for some reason, none of them ever calls you back after the initial Starbucks date. You don't get it. What's actually happening is that you're driving men away with subtle verbal or nonverbal signals that say "I don't like you" or "I'm bored" or "I'm boring." But you're not aware that you're sending these signals. So all the guys just fade away. You complain that the single men near you don't really want to have relationships.
The fix: Before a date, close your eyes and imagine that the person you're about to meet is a dear old friend who you haven't seen in years. Greet the guy and start the evening with that friendly vibe. If you like him, end the date with the same warmth.
5. Crumbs
The pattern: You're involved with a guy (who may be married) who sees you occasionally and only when it works in his schedule. For the most part, he treats you well when he's with you.
gIf he's wealthy, he may buy you Manolosh
If he's wealthy, he may buy you Manolos or take you out to five-star restaurants. He may be hot in bed. But he cuts you off if his wife or son needs the slightest thing. And he's never available when you need or want him. This rejection causes you a great deal of pain, yet you think that overall it's a good deal. You spend a lot of time thinking and fantasizing about him: how he's going to leave his wife or cut back on his work schedule and be with you in a rose-covered cottage or on the beach in Maui. In your heart of hearts, you know that day will never come, but you're afraid to act on that knowledge. Although you'd never admit it, even to your best friend, you believe that this second-class status is the very best you'll ever be able to get and you're damn lucky to have it.
The fix: Give up the crumbs and take a seat at the banquet table. First, break up with him. Then make a rule: I only date men who are (a) available and (b) crazy about me (for real). Try this on for size, even if it means spending time with guys who "aren't good enough" but who treat you like royalty. You need to learn what it really means to be loved.
If you recognize yourself in any of these scenarios, congratulations. You have the courage to really see yourself, and that's always the first step towards change. The second step is to try the "fixes" on for size. If changing your M.O. feels weird, remember: that strange scary feeling means you're on the right path to opening love's door.
qilver wrote: There is a book. A book i heard about, and i should have read when my "then" gf told me to read. The Five Love Languages, we all have a primary one, and a secondary one, and they can overlapp...Knowing them, being aware of them, gives us a better insight of our significant other, or in my case, my "hopefully" significant gf in the future. I just don't feel motivated thesdays to read insightful books, and in theory it sounds like the best advice, but in reality i just need to try it.
I'm a bit curious about that book. So curious that I'm thinking of getting it. :P
I didn't want to quote your entire posts, but I've read it all and it was very insightful. I also enjoyed your other post that mentioned where to find someone and such.
That was interesting about you meeting a girlfriend at church. I'm a little afraid to do that because 1) I'm drifting between religions at this point and 2) I don't want to end up with some fanatic. Oh, also 3) if I did meet with someone in that type of atmosphere, it would suck to break up and still go to the same church.
Re-entering the dating scene is just plain hard. I imagine that I'll just end up being those creepy old ladies who everyone feels sorry for because they couldn't find a husband. :sweat:
I guess the best thing to do is just not openly look for someone and they'll come. At least, that's the advice some people have given me.
bmwracer wrote:
Gehh, did you copy this from my Myspace profile? :beaten:
You wrote something in your myspace profile? I don't remember checking that. Maybe I should. :P
bmwracer wrote:
How so? :headscratch:
I'm a bit confused myself.. Unless she's talking about my flirting with you, beemie boy. :inlove: ;)
By the way, the article you posted was a great read. I definitely fit the #2 type. Reject them before they reject you. It probably stems from being in a sort-of relationship with someone and him telling me that it's over, only to find out that he found someone else and was showing off her pics to our mutual friends. I found out several months later and felt so humiliated. I guess my lack of trust issue stems from that incident and whenever I got close to someone, I pushed them away. That was over 10 years ago and although I got over that incident, I still have a hard time trusting people. :(
wow.. i didn't know there's a thread like this in jdorama...what's the purpose of this thread?? love problems?? :crazy:
kisarazu wrote:wow.. i didn't know there's a thread like this in jdorama...what's the purpose of this thread?? love problems?? :crazy:
What's the purpose of your post? If you've read the title of the thread, it should've been obvious. :crazy:
the purpose of my post is to make things clear sorry if it meant something to you or you are offended i'm not looking for a fight here peace on earth!! :victory: haha actually i was happy to find this thread i have a very serious love prob...well not totally serious but it's something that bugs my mind everyday!! haha is it okay to share it in this thread? :puppydog:
No offense taken. :) And yup, this is a relationship advice thread, so you can post whatever love problems you have and we'll try to help you out. :)
thanks!! hehe well i'll try to sort my feelings out first before posting it i'm a little confuse rgiht now haha!! :mrgreen: and i little embarass about it hehe :bonk:
kisarazu wrote:thanks!! hehe well i'll try to sort my feelings out first before posting it i'm a little confuse rgiht now haha!! :mrgreen: and i little embarass about it hehe :bonk:
Sure, just take your time. :) And don't worry about embarassing yourself in this thread. If you've read my posts, I've spilled a lot of embarassing things myself and even though it bothered me at first, just knowing that I'm not alone in feeling the way I am makes it much better than keepng it all inside. Besides, the cool people in this forum will sympathize with any problems you have and try to help you out. :)
Wynter wrote:
:tolerance:
It's not the boot, but I'll take it. :hehe:
I've read somewhere once that to be better at flirting, it's like anything, you need practice. Just by randomly chatting with anyone of the opposite sex or not (grocery store, line at restaurant, 7/11, elevators...), once you meet someone you're interested in, you'll have much less chances of screwing up by babbling nonsense or at least have the guts to go see that person and talk to him/her. :)
It helps build confidence too; and tons of people are attracted by confidence. :victory:
tabana wrote:It helps build confidence too; and tons of people are attracted by confidence. :victory:
I agree 100%.
Being a brilliant conversationalist usually means asking questions about the other person and having them talk. SO you shy people should take heart. If you can just say hi you almost all of the way there.
Just going up and saying hi got me into the best two years of my life so far. :thumbsup:
And asking for his number instead when he asked for mine. Intrigued him. ;) And he said he would have been too shy to phone anyway.
A girlfriend of mine just tried it and it worked for her too!
Yay! I said something useful for once. :woot:
Another tip: Enjoy Yourself
Smile, make eye contact and keep the conversation upbeat. No one is going to come over for a chat, if you're staring into your drink like there's been a death in the family. :hehe:
Another tip: Enjoy Yourself
Smile, make eye contact and keep the conversation upbeat. No one is going to come over for a chat, if you're staring into your drink like there's been a death in the family. :hehe:
Haha, one of my dad's friends was trying to set me up with his nephew. I didn't really give an answer so I don't think anything will come from it. It's nice to have some sort of options though..
bmwracer wrote:Here ya go... From Yahoo! Personals:
Five Dead-End Dating Patterns and How to Break Them
4. Fade away
The pattern: You finally force yourself to get out there in the land of men and date. And you admit that some of the guys have potential. Some you even like. You're polite, you act interested, and you're responsive. But for some reason, none of them ever calls you back after the initial Starbucks date. You don't get it. What's actually happening is that you're driving men away with subtle verbal or nonverbal signals that say "I don't like you" or "I'm bored" or "I'm boring." But you're not aware that you're sending these signals. So all the guys just fade away. You complain that the single men near you don't really want to have relationships.
The fix: Before a date, close your eyes and imagine that the person you're about to meet is a dear old friend who you haven't seen in years. Greet the guy and start the evening with that friendly vibe. If you like him, end the date with the same warmth.
I think I'm here... :sweat:
cori wrote:
I'm a bit confused myself.. Unless she's talking about my flirting with you, beemie boy. :inlove: ;)
:say_yes:
I'm convinced you two should hook it up. >>sprouts godmother wings<<
<<<---- But there's her. :inlove:
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